曾几何时，小小的我们有个伟大的梦想，
久违
曾几何时，小小的我们有个伟大的梦想，
Helo Darkness, my old friend
Still doing that one post per year thingy, hey I made it back here again.
Considering what I've wrote is more on negative side, i would say this is a good thing. I was rather hoping i can close this chapter up, and perhaps lead a happier life, but life must prove me wrong again.
Hey everyone, i hope wherever you are out there, i wish you are in a better place than i am, and or perhaps i can offer some solace as i resonate with a couple of you out there who's facing the same problem.
Here Goes.
I start to think that we are all monsters in within. There exist an entitiy that we dont show, that harbors our real self. Now you might think, wait a minute, the real me isnt a monster?? That might be true, but the thing is, most people havent see the real you before. And when you let it show, it can be just as revolting as a real monster.
sad, right?
It can be a simple short-ended nerve that they keep plucking on, when you finally show the outburst, there you go, you became the bad guy. People can just sleep better at night if they put all the blame on one person, and consider themselves perfect.
so i became the villain in their stories, and also the one losing sleep here.
...
I have slowly come to terms with the fact that I am an unstable person.
Thanks to my childhood, and I had a tad bit worry that it runs a little in the gene.
Despite my calm demeanor, i am constantly annoyed at different things, but more oftenly at myself.
Then i swiftly go into meltdown when the surrounding is too overwheling.
yea, i am going through a hard patch here.
But this monster is still hoping for someday, someone can see past my chaos, and embrace the hurt in me, and put me to sleep.
This dream could be beautiful, and puts a sweet smile on my face, but i guess i have got to wake up the the reality, and breath a sigh. It most probably wont happen. I might end myself one day, if i am not careful.
i forgot that surviving takes effort, that breathing needs to be controlled consciously., that theres a void in your heart that you have forgotten, still eating bits and pieces of you slowly.
...
And lastly
nice of you to slander my call of cries
as the art of manipulation
you laughed at my tears,
and put my archiless heels to shame
thanks to you,
now i can pull myself together for a new start..
? end
The voice says
1. The world don't owe you understanding
2. Don't expect people to change because they won't
3. Most people are not trained to take up the responsibility to make you happy
4. Mental health is important. Something money can't buy
5. Sometimes you need to set priorities on yourself, start to help yourself
6. You won't change when time is good. You can only change when you look at your life and realize what a mess it is
7. Get help. Don't be alone.
8. Treat it as a journey
9. Have a set of goals/challenge in life so your days won't feel repeated
Combating life
Hi there guys, it's me again, after a long long hiatus like God knows how long is it. 2 years ? Maybe nobody's here anymore.
So, hi to nothing.
I am depressed.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, your boy here is depressed.
Look mom and dad, your child is depressed.
I am depressed to a point that suicide seems like an option now, honestly. Frankly, the only thing that's been keeping me from jumping from the 15th floor now is that rational mind that I still have. If I lose my mind I would have done it without a second thought. Like, what is there to love about this world ?
Suicide story, they exist.
And here's one.
I reached out and try to search for help. When people around me can't hear my screaming for help, I had to turn my attention to the internet. I used to have a lot of friends, friends who can take all my emotions in and actually make me feel like my opinions matter. But they are gone now. I can't find anyone to talk to. I started browsing my contacts from A to Z. Nada. Seriously, isit so hard to find someone who's willing to listen now ? Most friends are now just those who you trade birthday wishes with. And colleagues, you knew in your heart they can only be someone whom you see everyday, but each have their own reservation so you guys will never reach that level of understanding/bond.
Alright back to internet.
I started searching for help online, and found this friendly little website named "befrienders". Now I am so very sorry to laugh at something noble like this but they are actually good for next to nothing. I have tried to make calls every now and then but I have never got it connected. Befrienders. Those who really had intention to kill themselves, who put all determination in this last ditch effort to save themselves, they are so gonna get disappointed. Sorry to say that. I tried writing to them instead, I got replies after like 2 weeks ? And got some generic empathy-mixed-with-encouragement which feels more like pre-drafted replies for different cases. I feel bad for them because of the reality in this world, you need money to keep things running. And for things as noble and non-profiting as this, you need money to hire call operators, and ppl who actually care enough to work their ass off with pure intention (which virtually doesn't exist in this capital). Money runs the world. And money dont care that I am not happy with how the world runs.
Searching "Malaysia depression help" brings me to some other sites which actually offers some sort of psychological therapy for a fee. Okay first things first. I have to answer a 10-question questionaire to access what kind of problem I have, what religion I align to, and whether I am straight bi or gay. I wonder how many suicidals can actually wade through that. Then next it says they charge USD65 per week for the therapy. The cheapskate in me killed the tab and concluded that quite literally my wallet is stopping me from getting help. So poor people are less worth it to save now. Sadly, it is.
So here we are.
With no idea how did I come to this, scared of where I will go, and what should I do now, I am latching on to the fact that things will get better in due time, but suffering in the mean time. Is this hell ?
Sometimes I wonder and secretly hope that all this is because I am an attention seeker, that I use this as something catch people's attention. But I don't know. I hope it's true.
...
I am never a leader material.
I constantly need someone to guide me, spur me on, and cherish me as I continue on my journey of life. I am grateful for a few whom I have met in my life, moulding me to the person I am today.
But now I feel so alone. Like I don't have anyone that I can connect with. I guess everyone have their worries and they are fighting their own battles too.
You could say everyone is living in the same environment and they are doing fine. Well, maybe I am the weak one, and I should be eliminated, because of the nature of selection. Survival of the fittest. Maybe I am born to be flawed and meant to be discarded, in due time.
I desperately need someone to cheer for me as I continue to live. But I try to look around, I found out I am alone.
I feel like a broken toy that no one would play with cause whoever dabbles with me, I will cut them.
...
And I am done with putting in effort all on my own.
I am done with always making the first move and keep giving until I am empty.
And I am done with begging people to treat me better, cause they won't.
22/10/21
As in, maybe I should die soon from a brain tumour in my head, or some random accident that gets me moving on from this repetitive, torturing kind of purgatory.
Life feels hard again, and it does feels like breathing takes effort, and nothing around me sparks joy anymore.
Worst is no one knows you are going through it.
Maybe, just maybe,
Everyone is going through the same shit ? What a depressing thought.
...
Been hit with the notion that I have not work hard enough at work lately.
To be clear, when it comes to work that pays, I would put in 100% effort so my employer doesn't pay me for me to do nothing, which will ultimately make me feel bad. So no, I am totally serious about my work.
But they say I am not working hard enough.
That I gave too much excuses.
It is really disheartening to hear that you are not giving enough when all you are doing is try. I mean, just because you are better and you could have done better back in your days doesn't mean I am not working hard enough.
Just hope that one day I will get there.
...
I am depressed.
27th Post-Script
Snap.
We sent 2020 away and ushered in 2021.
Time passed just like that.
I realized I always want to pour my heart out here, but too many things and external factors held me back, despite my very strong inner yearning.
This place used to be my sanctum of solitude. But look at me now, not doing things that I love, and doing things that I like not. Now the keyboard feels so strange, and the clanking sound of the keys sounds like a distant echo from the past.
Happy meh New Year everyone out there. If you are here, I wish for you a coming year full of blessings, health and happiness. I guess by the time you are as old as me, you would realize these 3 are the most important wealth that you can own in this world.
...
Truly coming back here had provided me with some solace that I cant seem to find anywhere else.
If there's a God, I hope he reads this because I haven't been praying lately.
I feel better already as I have written this far.
This is as close to therapy as I can get, and getting it, make me feel like I can finally unburden my heavy laden load and take off my mask, and cry.
...
I don't know how to carry on with my life.
Everyday feels more like taking a toll on me. Yes, I might be oessimistic at times, but who has the right to invalidate what I feel in the present moment?
There are days when I feel so lonely, even if there are people surrounding me. And there will be times when happy things in life doesn't seem to excite me anymore. I believe there's a name for all these signs combined, it's called depression. =)
Recently I've come to terms with the fact that I am suffering from some form of PTSD. Who knew I could be one to suffer from a traumatic childhood? I don't think anyone knows. Now who would understand what I go through at nights where I cant go to sleep, imagining sounds of war in my head, when everything is quiet around me? I want to escape this nightmare, to not hear things, but reality is so unforgiving, I thought I've loose it, but little do I know its merely a delusion created by devil itself, luring me into another sleepless night?
It's not easy being me. I guess I don't even know how to help myself.
...
Yes our world is plague with COVID still. Just as we can see improvement in the daily cases, there will be another country leader do something too stupid to fathom and screw the country over. Now BAM, we had 5000+ cases daily. To put things into perspective, just half a year ago we have only 2 digits of daily cases. What makes things worst is that these holier-than-thou, "religious", racist leaders still got paid their full salary for doing nothing.
Seriously What The Fuck yo.
Enough about the ministers, the citizens are another kind of work-of-art.
Flouting SOPs, ape-like gesture of scanning temperature with their palm, wearing mask with their noses out in the open, wearing latex gloves but touching everything in their path. I go speechless everytime I see such behaviours.
and funny enough, they would cry and cry for the Gov to lockdown the whole country (which turn out to be non-existent), but when the gov really locked down (but doenst seem so), people get busy with roaming the malls, shopping for CNY stuffs, taking pictures at the Pavillion.
Tell me what's wrong with you people. Its as though no one wants the world to recover from the ravages of COVID.
losing faith in humanity.
...
What could go wrong
When all I did is just articulating what I think?
I couldn't be more wrong
Because what I feel and think is just simply invalid
Because I am just an emotionless robot.
And I have to act like traversing through a minefield
Does that simply means my thoughts doesnt matter?
Chapter 292 of 366
1. Sometimes I just wish I can choose to be done with everything move on. Objectively this is pure pessimism but right now deep down I wish I can go to sleep and don't wake up the next day.
This goes to show how completely normal human can be pushed to his doom.
Or maybe I am that helpless
2. Society pushed the idea of patriarchy onto men and give them roles that they have to take up when they've come of age, regardless of their readiness.
Maybe I am just a wimp.
3. Everyone follows one truth that is convenient for them. If it contradicts with their way it will be simply discarded as fallacy.
4. Back during my college days my friends used to lie down on the road right infront of the college, letting go and just enjoy the moment.
I've always thought that was a silly thing to do, but little did I know that time it was the most pure and simply thing that we can enjoy when times were simple.
5. Politics sucks. Now I know why people say there are no good or bad people in politics. Where are the righteous people in this world ?
6. Save me oh Lord.
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