Shit Happens but Life Goes On

I dedicate this post to Me, Myself.

Joshua Wong Shii
A guy surviving the harsh reality of his 26 years life, embracing all the shits, giving all the fucks, and still turn out to be an Okay-Okay-guy.

Ummmm, if you dn know about it yet, yea its me. XD

I used to be this kid who's really self righteous and think that I am so very special in this world,
talk a little too much, sometimes annoy the hell out of people and still think what I did was entertaining them.

Yeap, I was the class clown kind of guy.

But honestly, deep down I was just a lonely child with the need for attention from people and for a while, feel special when I was paid some attention.
I was sad most of the time.
I belittled myself a lot, I thought of myself as a sucky kid, so what I did was praising myself all the time, saying that I am the best so I can somehow boost my already little self esteem.

It was a kinda sad kind of life.
But to be grateful, I have a circle of great friends, who cared for me more than I know till this day.
I lived an okay life, never worried for the next meal.
I am blessed with sufficient intellect to shine sometimes .
And I would say I am grateful that I had a shot at love at a young age of 17, which I failed miserably.

I could vaguely remember the guy that I used to be.
I guess in essence I have a heartful of good intentions but I dn know how to correctly act upon it.
and my own demons, and my own foul mouth, always ruined things for myself and people around me.
Maybe I am childish sometimes, and most(?) are annoyed by me.

I dont know why its like that, why when I mean the whole world of good intention but people would still stay away. Truly, I can tell you now for sure that I have no evil in me. Never selfish, always follow the crowd's opinion, a typical Mr-Yes, always make myself look stupid so everyone can have a laugh at me.

I was fucking miserable, to be honest.

and then I made it through this phase.

I grew up, I guess, by a little when I stepped into college life.
Having to learn to live on my own, plan my own time, without any control from family, free to plan my spending, do whatever that I want.
Yea, life starts to feel good.

I guess my second (failed) relationship taught me to be a better guy, somehow point to me how bitter I was in my heart. And also in my college life I got myself more friends that I can rely on till today.

and I was still trying to fit into the herd.
I wonder why isit such a hard task for me.
I surround myself with lotsa lotsa friends, spanning over a few social circles. Wide connection, but shallow relations.

I wonder if the problem was mine, that shifting around when I was little has something to do with me having a hard time to fit in.

so I am never really in the moment, I felt like a bystander and dn feel the intimacy in the circle, always thinking of the time will come when I will be in the middle of the circle.

I was fucking bitter sometimes.

I guess college killed the little child in me at some point.

Moving on to university life.
In/Accidentally I landed on a leadership role which require me to represent my batch from time to time.
I guess when you grow pass 20 you somehow grew up.

Its not immediate but rather a gradual process when I morphed into someone new.
I no longer feel the need to shine. I just want to stand aside and enjoy the whole view
I no longer feel the need to fit in, I am happy just to be myself and sometimes be selfish a little

I guess the society broke me.

I guess I became a living zombie, carrying on the same routine everyday, hoping the current phase will be gone and usher in the next phase.

I guess I became real evil at certain point, as in being selfish, calculative, self-preserving, always locking horns with someone and trying to prove myself not by being the clown, but by my own power.

And along the way I guess I found the balance.

Not to forget all the good times I have, and I found the love of my life, who taught me alot and literally play a part in changing me into a better person.

So I guess I am happy with who I am today.
Coming thus far, I can only say that you've done a freat job bracing through shits in life and trying to be a better you all the time :) you are already the better you you dreamt of when you were little. Happy Birthday, Joshua.

A note for the thief

Dear Uncle,

I dont know you, and you dont know me. The moment that we shared, its only a fraction of seconds; but enough to leave a lasting memory in my mind.

I saw you coming, but never did it cross my mind that you would be the one who will take my phone away from me. Never have I thought of you as someone who would commit such an ugly act. I only see you as some random chinese uncle in ragged cloth, on a red bike on his way to start his day.

I only see you as an ordinary person, though one struggling with life, in your own way.
But you disappointed me.
You destroyed my hopes in humanity, you shattered my faith in any ordinary stranger.

I guess I can only sum it up as a lesson in life, and you are the teacher.

I remember your face. I remember the clothes you are in. I remember the colour of your motorcycle. I remember you are wearing a white helmet, and I remember how you made me feel.

...

The only comfort I can find is that maybe you are just a very poor person who needed some cash to get through the chinese new year. Maybe you needed that extra cash to buy that one pants which will put a smile on your son's face. Or maybe it is all you needed to pay off your long-overdue rent that you need to resolve else you and your whole family will be chased out in this festive season. Or maybe, you needed the cash to pay for a debt for someone you cared deeply about.

Maybe you need the money more than me.

Maybe God has his way of blessing others through these kind of tragedy.

These are all I can think about to keep myself calm, and perhaps resign to my fate.

Then I remembered, the look on your face.

It's cold. It's hard. It's like I am staring at a wall.

Maybe its your first rodeo, but your face told me so much more.

I can't see any remorse on your face.

Maybe, you are used to do this. Maybe, this is your way of life.

...

Ever since that day I keep wondering what are you doing with my phone.

Would you be finally bringing a warm meal to the table for your family, making this the happiest CNY ever for your family, a sweet memory for your wife and kids.

Or, would your blood be drown in alcohol, as you abuses your wife and kids just because you lost all your money from another round of gambling?

Owh God please let it be the first one.

...

I am sorry.

Maybe the world had treated you harshly.

That's why you ended up where you are.

And that's why you needed to take something from me

I am sorry the world hasnt been fair for you,
but it doesn't justify what you do.
what you took away from me in a split second,
costs me a few months to recover,
and not to mention the memories, that wont come back forever.

So I hope it's worth it.
I believe in Karma,
and I believe in life after death.

I really hope for your sake that what you've done is worth it.

Once in a while I would drop in to check on everything

The funny thing is, everytime when I dont have the time or energy to blog, I would find myself full of thoughts and inspiration to pour out into this place; but when I do really have the time and energy to blog, I am lost of words. All the thoughts and emotions just faded, no where to be found. Guess that's life (?)

Okay. slight updates.

I am now back from India, and currently working on my side jobs as a dentist's assistant while bidding my time, waiting it out to be posted in the government clinic, where I am supposed to be working.

Why not just work as a dentist, since you are already one? you may ask.

This has something to do with  Malaysian law that everyone graduated in the medical should be put under compulsory service with the government for at least a year before exiting the government and started working in private sector. With the oversaturation of medical personnel in Malaysia, with thousands of graduates still unemployed, I guess the day would come sometime later, not really soon.

There you go, I am in a stupid state of waiting again. My life put on hold, not able to advance into the next phase of my life.

Why not just put everything down and enjoy your life? you may ask. Go travel, do something you love, or something.

I would really love to travel. Somewhere far and foreign, I would like to see the world.

but where does the money come from? yeap you got it right, I need to work, and hence explains why am I working now.

So do I love my life and job right now? you may ask.

HELL NO. My life is stupid now. ( more on that next time )

Just a little update. Hope everyone is doing fine here.

till next time

Indian Farewell Memoirs. Chapter 3.

*Tape Screeches*
Yep. That's me. That's me graduating into adulthood.
You must be wondering how I came to be in this very spot now.
Well, there's a story to that.

...

It all begins with me stepping into this odd country of India. We would all wonder someday, all these Indians we see in Malaysia, how is it like in their home country? It's something we would all think and then brush off to the back of our mind. I am one of those unlucky one to come to experience India. Call it fate, call it destiny, it truly defined who I am and mother India played a part in nurturing me into who I am today.

Now, this is not an inspiring sob story that will change your outlook of life, so if you are looking for meaning of life in this post, I am sorry that you wont find what you need any further down the post. In fact, this is going to be a boring ass post if you dn personally know me. It's just a long-winded recount of my journey here in India, where I have spent 5 years of my life in.

The first thing that I felt is the immense culture shock that rocked my core. Like seriously what the F*** WHY THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY BLATANTLY CUT MY FUDGING QUEUE (that actually happend within the first 3 hour of my adventure in India, in a KFC on the journey to my city). And, like seriously WHY MY THINGS ARE NOT RETURNING AFTER THEY BORROW FROM ME. I guess a country does have their distinct social geography, different social background, different culture, different upbringing in families, et cetera. Everything just feels fresh, new (sometimes in an annoying way), and I sort of enjoyed it at first. It's like a whole new journey is ahead of me. New life, New beginnings, and stuffs.

And after the honeymoon period comes the settling-in of the reality. It hits hard, and badly. That's when I start to realize I actually miss my family and friends back in Malaysia (not the sentimental, sob-ish kind of missing, just a nostalgic feeling).

Reality sets in when I faced hardship in dealing with the new environment,
when I try to fight an uphill battle to cope with the constant ragging, suffocation by the academic syllables
when I had my first fight with the auto driver for an excess 20rupees (RM1) fare charge.
when my friend is dying from a disease that everyone fail to diagnose during his stay in India.
when I first screw up with my study plan and have to cram 3 months worth of knowledge into a late night midnight study session the night before exam
when my car first ran out of petrol, and I totally had no idea why my car sputters constantly then died.
when I had my first clash with my oppresive lecturer, whom I cannot raise a complain against simply because she has "noble blood" running in her veins.

It was those moments that taught me that India is not as forgiving as Malaysia. Wait. scratch that. India taught me that living an adult life is not going to be as forgiving as when I am leading a cozy, semi-dependent life back in Malaysia. I knew then I am set on a self-building journey to be a responsible adult.

There are times when I thought I am gonna die of growing up too slow.
But I endured. I persevered and made it through. ( I am still alive, am I?)

Coincidentally enough (or not),  at the age of 18 we are slowing growing and each develop our own character. We all became someone with strong character and from there branches all kind of trouble. We argue, we fight, we all think we are right in our own way, denying all possibilities that other could be right too. We've grown proud, with our ego in its prime, as if we are ready to head on with whatever tantrums others might throw at us. We grew apart. We gang up. We built our own walls, surround ourselves with people that are comfortable to live with, but ironically have no reservation on offending others with our brutal honesty, our own version of truth.

We all became a villain in someone else's story.

 And from there we faced hardships, have our fair share of crying in our bed at night for some problem that doesnt matter now. And we adapt, we learn to get along, we learn to communicate better, we learn to tolerate others behaviours as we continue to grow into a person with dull edge. Though it sounds good, but what did that actually costs us?

We lost the light in our eyes in memorable moments
We lost the fire in our heart for a meaningful life.
We became numb.
We became zombies that only strives to survive, to weather whatever hardships and not fall, though our souls died in the process.

But I like to think that it is not permanent, and in the end we would find ourselves at the end of the tunnel, when we finally see the light in the end.

India is like a cradle to me like how a mother's embrace is like to a baby.
She took me in, an unpolished, rough reckless boy and waited for me to grow into a slightly better man.
I would like to think that I am the best version of myself as of now, thanks to India.

And here I am, as you can see in the picture.
I am holding the degree certificate, the key to my future,
and I am finally making it out of this chapter of my life.


And if you wonder what my feelings are now, I cant help but to feel sorry.
Because these pages aren't enough to make you understand how torn up I am to love and to hate, at the same time to leave this shithole-ish, yet beautiful place.

Indian Farewell Memoirs. Chapter 2

Still waiting for my extension postings to get over like waiting for a storm to pass.

Can I just get on to the packing part already?
I can't wait to leave this place.

...

Been talking to some friends these days. Found out that they started to love this place and find it hard to leave this home of ours for the past 5 years.

They asked me, why would I feel my time here is up?

I put some thought to it.

Do i hate India that much? No, not really, I actually think India is a pretty cool place. And how Coldplay make india look cool in their mv? Those are real, it's all true story. It exists.

I came from a family where travel abroad is a luxury we can only dream of. Dad fed the whole family single handedly and we literally only had enough to eat out once every weekend to be happy.

But I always wanted to go out there, see more of the "out there", be there in the "out there", at the same time knowing that it would never come true

Then it happened. I got a chance to travel to India to pursue my degree study.

To be clear dentistry is never my passion and never will be. But why would I let this go?

So I go for it.

And now 5 years has passed, and I am here. And I can't wait to get out of here.

There are things to not like about India, the hygiene, (some of) the people, the culture, the norm that can be a shock to those who never stepped into this developing country.

But in all honesty, I just wish to get back to my life, my life in Malaysia, where all my friends and family are. 5 years away from home is enough for me. In this 5 years I've drifted apart from my friends ( they probably thought I don't care for them anymore , which is not true, it's just the distance that makes us hard to keep in touch), missed many of my friends and family's important moments. Some of my friends left without saying goodbye. There're countless of things that I've missed out on. And I am really sorry for that.

Will write more about that.

...

Whenever I am unhappy I would look back
Into the past
Back to the time when I am truly happy
When I have things that I don't have now

But little did I realize
That I was unhappy in those days, too
And I would look for better days even in those moments

So the question now is,
Am I missing something that I never had,
Or am I just an ungrateful bastard.

Indian Farewell Memoirs. Chapter 1

Owh. I am back.
It's been a huge long hiatus. But somehow life has a way of dragging me back here, compelling me to jot down my unspoken words and hidden whisper, thoughts.
I will be back for sometime, hopefully long time, this time.

Yes, I will be closing the chapter of my life in india soon, 30 days give or take. I am sorry for not being updating on my life these years. Truth be told I felt like I've been isolated from the world I belong, it's like I have disappeared into thin air, from Malaysia, from my friends' life.

I am kinda excited to go back to my life (?)

Okay, this incoherent writing needs to be improved

...


Today I've learnt a lesson.
I've learnt that no matter how many friends you surround yourself with,
In the end it will always be everyone for themselves.

(I am not saying I am not one of them,
I just like to think myself as someone who would think of others,
And sometimes put other people's need before mine)

But truth hurts
The truth is,
You gotta take good care of yourself,
When helping other, and in turn expecting help,
You are making yourself weaker
You are just making yourself soft.

No more,
I will run this final mile on my own two feet.

New Year. New World.

Like a breaking dawn it started.
slow, gentle, and silently it crept up to you and make you realize,
It's here.

What's been so far is now staring at you in your face.
2017.
New Year.
Another Year.

And without realizing you already have half your foot set in the New chapter.

Happy New Year my beloved readers, you'll never know how much it means to me when you spend some time of your life to pry at the little tale of mine.

...

Everyone wants to make a new year resolution during the new year.

Although I've never absolved for a new year resolution before, at some point of my life I've made myself changes that will change how I view the world. I used to turn cold, cut off everyone in my life; I used to decide to be warm and passionate, trying my very best to be the reason people smile, sacrifice myself for others; I used to decide to live for myself, by living out loud, dont care and dont mind what others think of me, but it all didnt work out properly for me.

Care too much, you become that clown that cries in the rain

Care too less, you become an island and people start to forget about you.

So then, what should I do, how should I face this new year?

Sometimes I got too disappointed in humanity I just wish I dont have the need to connect with other people so I dont ever ever need the company of another person. but things dont just go away when you wished, willed them away.

In the end, I think, you dont need to care too much, nor care too less; you just need to find the balance and in the mean time, learn to love yourself. However, things are always easier said than done. 

And oh, I needa keep fit, at least after my final year studies. I am fat af now. DX

.,..

Sometimes I understands,

the way you were led to the circumstance that you are in today.

Maybe you didnt realize it then,

but rome is not built in a day.

The way you are in today is the Karma you are sowing long time back.

You reap what you sow, and you got what you deserved.

Now, you just have to traipse down the path that you've pave for yourself

However good or bad it is, you have to.

and there's never ever a reset button.

...

But sometimes I don't understand, how is it that you can justify not helping your friend in need, by saying you are busy saving your own ass.

Is that what friends are for?