28th February, Sunny.

I always want to know what i really want in this life. But as the question sinks deeper into me, as i've done a turbulent rounds of thinking and reflection. I found out that what i really wanted is ultimate care from someone, or an intimate understanding bond between me and someone. There it is, some love. It always surprised me that i actualy envied those people who had a loving family with all their members understand each other so well that they are able to share secrets freely, without any worry. I longed for that kind of relationship. That kind of feeling when you're so naked infront of those you care, no masks, no pretence.

When i get to know those people who formed gangs and their so-called "family", i feel the longing to have my own group of besties who can share all my thoughts, happiness, sadness, secrets, and provide comfort when i'm down. I envied them. I'm jealous. I'm extremely depressed when i see them sharing their moments and thoughts together while i sat at a corner, putting my mask on, keeping all my thoughts secure in a hidden vial.

I wanted someone to understand me.
I wanted someone to be with me when i faced hardship.
I wanted a companion, a trusted compatriot of life, whom will never forsake me when i'm lost.

However, reality always fails me. I've a wide link of friends, all kinds, but the bond is just merely superficial. I can't even name a few who's close enough to know all about me. Apparently, there're none. After 18 years of life i finally came to one sober truth, i've got no friends who really understands me, or is willing to care for me. Why?? Am i somesort of freako?? Again, it really saddens me when i always know that other people have a group, or one or two friends who are close enough to spend every piece of thought together, and i simply cannot accept the fact that i'm out there, like everyone else, but without a close friend.

How miserable is that??

Pretty, trust me.

I don't know why people always come to me when they're facing problems, as they sought for advices, help, suggestions. I welcome it. i really do, and i'm most happy to provide assistance in my ability. But when it comes to me facing the problems, i'm lost, i'm hopeless, and i'm depressed. Somehow i come to the conclusion that i've dealt with too much serious stuffs that people thinks that "Joshua has no problem at all!! He can handle himself if he can handle us", "Joshua looked Jolly, it's unlikely that he suffered from some problems.", "come on, he's JOshua, let he handle it himself". Since i'm young i've been viewed as a little kid with potential, bright, sociable, always comes out with great ideas, always lending a ear and helps, seemed like nothing can harm me. I'm not surprise at all if it's really the whole impression that causes me to build up my own mental defense, in order to show everyone that "i'm perfect, i don't need help".

Well, maybe i'm right that the whole "trying to impress everyone" thing makes me unapproachable, makes everyone thinks that "Joshua doens't needs companionships, he doesn't need a companion". I think i'm a freak. Why are there people with close buddies that can share all emotions with, and here i am without a human who understands me?? I'm a freak.

Is it possible that i'm perhaps too shy to voice out?? Everyone wants me to help solve their problem, as if i'm holding the key to every solution. When the question's solved, 'bye' is all i will get. I resonated with this particular saying that sounded like this :

The teacher can be a student's mentor, but a student can never be a teacher's mentor

What?? am i thinking that i'm some sort of teacher?? no i am not. I just feels that when people start to categorize me as the "problem solver", i can never reveal my worries and troubles to anyone anymore. It feels weird. At least it is weird if you relate it with logics.

Then this person appeared for me. Cared for my feelings, shared my worries, making me feel i'm deeply being loved, be there to cheer me up when i'm down, lifted me up when i'm depressed, and treated me like i'm a special one. I admit the whole process thrilled me, and i feel that i'm the luckiest guy in the world. I mean, is there anyone else who understands me?? Can she be replaced by anyone else?? Absolutely not. I would hold very dear to the bond between us and appreciate fully what i'm given. I thanked God every night, prayed to Him for giving me the best friend of my life. And then, i feel contented, no longer alone, no longer stray or lost, and finally found a shelther to rely on. Feel being loved very much. How would i know if this will not last?? like specks of dust fading in the wind?? I never know who will i become when i lost her. I would tell her, "Hey, i'm a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you're doing it perfectly".

Sometimes i pitied myself for locking my trueself so deeply within me, literally making me a social hermit. People who successfully opened my heart had done a great job, and i appreciate and love them with all my heart.

Back to the topic. I'm still as lonely as an island floating on the vast pacific ocean. Lost, like a blind man in amazon forest. I'm always caught off guard by how fast people change, how situations changed its look in a blink of an eye, as if it's instantaneous. How can someone who cared for you changed to be a stranger in a blink of an eye?? i can't take it. I just can't accept the fact that why hearts can be swayed easily, that people changes drastically with the change of situation.

And now i'm tired, tired being swirled around in this whirlpool, which seemed to be no ending. I realized all these thinking rendered me an emotionally-fragile person. I no longer appreciate humour, no longer joyful. Sick and tired, that will be all. Even reading a story about the closeness of a non-blood-related family, or sing a rhythm makes me want to shed tears. I want to know, what had happened to me?? what had i become?? Who holds the answer to my questions?? who helds the key to my solution??

I Don't know.

I do know that God is the closest to me all these while. He seeks for me instead of i seeked him. But the problem is, he's not real enough to me. I really dreaded to be bathed in his everlasting love for eternity, not needing other forms of love. I pray and pray and pray, and i keep on seeking, yet i'm not found.

Now who's willing to lend a ear?? where can i share my thoughts?? My blog. And my God. SHAME ON ME for not having friends who understands me.

For those who had followed me till the end of this passage, you've known better. I personally thank you that you care. My soul is screaming for understanding, and i'm begging for some care, like a beggar who begs for a worthless penny on the street. I realized how Bankrupted i am when it comes to love, i'm all out of love.

Who's willing to care for me??
I'm crying out.