Wrap-up

And I say, Blabber Away, Joshua.

And here I am again, just blabbering away whatever crap thoughts that enter my head, and pour into this collection of words and ideas unwelcomed in this now sickened society.

…

 

So how am I doing lately??

I think a few words wouldn’t be enough for me to wrap up everything that I’ve been through in this 2 long months of absence.

And hence, a short wrap-up, and I promise to be as detailed as possible.

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Study Week. Final Exams. Holiday. End of First Year.

I think I am still pretty much cracking my head trying to figure out who am I, and where am I standing in this world. Things had been so different from the past, and everything around me just looks so peculiar, and yet so familiar. I’ve almost came out with this conclusion that I am mentally breaking down, but I decided to deny it, and continue to hold onto the hope that perhaps everyone is going through the same thing too.

I can only hope.

Somehow I don’t think I am a bit at all tailored to undertake degree studies in a university, because I know up until now I am still not adapted to study in this kind of environment where people are really striving and thriving hard to be the best of the best, and give in their all for a more distinct title on this paper of so-called “certificate”.

People would stay up all night and burn out their midnight and morning oil just to study, while I would prefer to sleep because it is more beneficial to my wellbeing.

I would feel dejected and sometimes annoyed when people pour in their bestest effort into academics, as if all their life is about studying, and their life revolves around studies and grades.

Am I missing the point here??

Maybe its not the matter of right or wrong here, what matters is the norm.

Maybe all people dedicate their life to study around here, and I am the odd one out.

I am the only one not fitting into the picture

I am the only unable to fit in into the society.

You can slap me and tell me in my face that I am just sulking because I am not getting a satisfying result, that I am just being bitter. But I am actually fine with that, and in fact I felt free, and that the air is cleaner for the moment. This kind of thing is not my first priority, and it never will be. But I do feel resented by the fact that, maybe I don’t belong here.

I don’t belong.

…

I watched The Fault in Our Stars, and I can’t help but not like it, because it’s a nice movie, but a movie too sad for me to take in and imagine it happening in the reality.

Funny thing is that, I kept thinking that there’s some hidden messages that the director wish to relay, that perhaps he’s trying to deliver a deeper meaning through this literally short-lived love story. Although from the looks of it the movie is pretty straight forward and blunt, but my mind kept on loiter around in the movie’s universe, and toying on the role of that mean, bitchy writer, and the real meaning behind “Some infinities are bigger than some infinities”

Okay, I admit the movie somehow found a place in my head, and I am trying hard to flush it out of my mind simply because it is too sad.

Yea, so I still don’t like it.

But often times, don’t you think that life is very similar??

We would never know when the last time we will be with our loved ones is, we wouldn’t possibly know when our time comes.

Life, though predictable, is not so predictable at times.

It’s not something cliché that I use to impress people, but I just feel deeply so.

When the time comes, would we still have any regrets? Or would we feel satisfied and have no regrets?

And I wonder,

Is it that good time doesn’t last long, so we might learn to appreciate the brief, bright glow it shines on our life and realizes its true value?

Is it that bad times seems so long, so we might grow stronger and live out of it, and one day look back and feel accomplished from how far we had come?

But there are a couple of things that I am sure of,

That pain demands to be felt

And that the world is not a wish-granting factory.

…

I want to leave a mark.
But Van Houten: The marks humans leave are too often scars

Nothing is ever simple anymore,

Living a life is no longer a simple thing

I might not be the friendliest person that you will meet in your life, and I can be mean and insensible

But trust me

When you sees me under these mask of ever unpredictable demeanor, I would make sure I walk the extra mile to see you, too.

And with that, you will be a friend.