ACT I
Yea, so back to the story.
I was told to learn to be sincere. What is sincerity, i wondered; and what does it take for someone to be be sincere?
Isit in the way we talk?
or isit in the way we walk?
Being a clown-ass guy back then, all I knew was to make jokes and try to make others laugh by making a fool out of myself. That was how I try to show how I care for people, by making them laugh, which turn out to be annoying, in their eyes.
No one taught me how to be a sincere person, and they measured sincerity with a ruler and scale that I don't understand back then. Is sincerity measurable, quantifiable, by acts of a certain kind?
And why trying to make people whom we care about laugh is not considered a sincere gesture?
Maybe its just not an "adult" thing to do.
I dont blame anyone, now that I've looked back. I am who I am today because of this miserable teenage years.
...
ACT II
Many things happened along the way.
I broke up twice.
Lost a couple of friends, both figuratively and literally.
One thing that I realize is that, to show that you care, trying to make them laugh is never enough.
You want to make some friends by making them laugh? SCREW YOU.
You want to care for someone by making some funny jokes? FUCK YOU YOU ARE ANNOYING
You want to be a funny guy that everyone loves? GO TO HELL DONT YOU KNOW YOU ARE ANNOYING ENOUGH?
But there I was, confused, tired and drained, wondering why no matter how hard I try, people turn away from me. What is it that they are looking for? Am I not the one that they want? Am I not the friend/partner choice? Am I really that bad?
No one told me to be sincere, you need to act a certain pre-scripted way in a SOP-ish manner.
Not what you feel from your heart, and what you want to do from your heart.
Come the fuck on man, I am just a kid who wants, who loves to make people laugh.
maybe people wont get it, or maybe I am just that weird with my own Modus Operandi.
Those people killed me, and I never try to make anyone laugh anymore.
I lost my way. I stumbled around, hating everyone. Trying to love myself more. Putting myself first. Honestly, it was all a blur. I cant remember clearly what happened in those days; or maybe my mind never want to try to remember. Because I was that awful, at least in my own eyes.
...
ACT III
Then I learnt,
To be sincere, you have to make the person feel important. You have to go out of your way, sacrifice everything and lay yourself down for the person so he/she would know, that they are on the top of the world.
...
ACT VI
One day she told me, I am the most sincere person she knew. That I would always give my best to give the best to people I care about.
I dont know how true is that, but at least someone noticed.
Well, I am not saying being sincere is a bad thing, that making someone feel loved and treasured is a wrong act to commit.
But is sincerity a made-up construct, defined by a certain set of rules and bounds?
Does hearts and intentions weigh in then? Is the heart and good intentions important then.
Are we sincere, as long as we mechanically replicate what others do, as seem fit by the society and accepted in the norm?
Are we just machines programmed to love only in a way we are allowed to?
...
ACT V
I appealed to the boy who loves to make people laugh, as he lay rest in the tomb of fading memories.
I told him, "Its just how the world is, Its how it works. People accepts the love in a form they think they deserve, other than those, are trash"
The boy smiled, and said nothing. But something in his smile, tells me he meant well, with the good intention of the whole big world.
Rest In Peace. I will remember you, boy.
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