久违

 曾几何时，小小的我们有个伟大的梦想，

想要翻山越岭，干出一片天，

对自己，对家人有个交代，

以后再也不需努力，

好好对待对自己好的人。

从不知道，这多美的梦，

始料是触手而不及

现实的残酷，满路的荆棘，

不断地挫下我们的锐气。

是的，懂了，学会了，开始量力了，

可现实还是一贯的无情施压，鞭策，

那口乌黑的通道，几时可以看到一丝亮光？

我们这样的逗逗转转，

转了几载，

身边的人一个个从生命的列车缓缓下站，

神不知鬼不觉地，离开了默默耕耘的我们。

曾几何时，我们那炙热的眼神，

慢慢的变成那个该死，凝聚不成，呆滞的目光

斗志的烈火也慢慢地退去，带着侮辱，

带着不甘向种种势力低头，投起无奈的白旗。

你问我，累吗？

累。

还能走下去吗？

不能。

那么歇一会？

不能。

来日方长，一路还是颠簸

我们奋斗，究竟不是要改变世界，

而是不要让世界吞没我们，

我们无尽撕裂般的呐喊，抵抗，

不是一分把握，

而是深怕再那么努力那一点点，

就会看到尽头。

生活从来不励志，

大环境从不给喜剧收场。

但愿事事顺愿，

定格的刹那有望，

嘘寒问暖中有情，

在最后那段灿烂的年华中，

博得几分喝彩。

Helo Darkness, my old friend

 Still doing that one post per year thingy, hey I made it back here again.

Considering what I've wrote is more on negative side, i would say this is a good thing. I was rather hoping i can close this chapter up, and perhaps lead a happier life, but life must prove me wrong again.

Hey everyone, i hope wherever you are out there, i wish you are in a better place than i am, and or perhaps i can offer some solace as i resonate with a couple of you out there who's facing the same problem.

Here Goes.

...

I start to think that we are all monsters in within. There exist an entitiy that we dont show, that harbors our real self. Now you might think, wait a minute, the real me isnt a monster?? That might be true, but the thing is, most people havent see the real you before. And when you let it show, it can be just as revolting as a real monster.

sad, right?

It can be a simple short-ended nerve that they keep plucking on, when you finally show the outburst, there you go, you became the bad guy. People can just sleep better at night if they put all the blame on one person, and consider themselves perfect.

so i became the villain in their stories, and also the one losing sleep here.

...

I have slowly come to terms with the fact that I am an unstable person.

Thanks to my childhood, and I had a tad bit worry that it runs a little in the gene. 

Despite my calm demeanor, i am constantly annoyed at different things, but more oftenly at myself.

Then i swiftly go into meltdown when the surrounding is too overwheling.

yea, i am going through a hard patch here.

But this monster is still hoping for someday, someone can see past my chaos, and embrace the hurt in me, and put me to sleep.

This dream could be beautiful, and puts a sweet smile on my face, but i guess i have got to wake up the the reality, and breath a sigh. It most probably wont happen. I might end myself one day, if i am not careful.

i forgot that surviving takes effort, that breathing needs to be controlled consciously., that theres a void in your heart that you have forgotten, still eating bits and pieces of you slowly.

...

And lastly

nice of you to slander my call of cries

as the art of manipulation

you laughed at my tears, 

and put my archiless heels to shame

thanks to you,

now i can pull myself together for a new start..

? end

The voice says

 1. The world don't owe you understanding 

2. Don't expect people to change because they won't 

3. Most people are not trained to take up the responsibility to make you happy 

4. Mental health is important. Something money can't buy 

5. Sometimes you need to set priorities on yourself, start to help yourself 

6. You won't change when time is good. You can only change when you look at your life and realize what a mess it is 

7. Get help. Don't be alone. 

8. Treat it as a journey 

9. Have a set of goals/challenge in life so your days won't feel repeated

Combating life

 

Hi there guys, it's me again, after a long long hiatus like God knows how long is it. 2 years ? Maybe nobody's here anymore.

So, hi to nothing.

I am depressed. 

Yes ladies and gentlemen, your boy here is depressed.

Look mom and dad, your child is depressed.

I am depressed to a point that suicide seems like an option now, honestly. Frankly, the only thing that's been keeping me from jumping from the 15th floor now is that rational mind that I still have. If I lose my mind I would have done it without a second thought. Like, what is there to love about this world ?

Suicide story, they exist.

And here's one.

I reached out and try to search for help. When people around me can't hear my screaming for help, I had to turn my attention to the internet. I used to have a lot of friends, friends who can take all my emotions in and actually make me feel like my opinions matter. But they are gone now. I can't find anyone to talk to. I started browsing my contacts from A to Z. Nada. Seriously, isit so hard to find someone who's willing to listen now ? Most friends are now just those who you trade birthday wishes with. And colleagues, you knew in your heart they can only be someone whom you see everyday, but each have their own reservation so you guys will never reach that level of understanding/bond.

Alright back to internet.

I started searching for help online, and found this friendly little website named "befrienders". Now I am so very sorry to laugh at something noble like this but they are actually good for next to nothing. I have tried to make calls every now and then but I have never got it connected. Befrienders. Those who really had intention to kill themselves, who put all determination in this last ditch effort to save themselves, they are so gonna get disappointed. Sorry to say that. I tried writing to them instead, I got replies after like 2 weeks ? And got some generic empathy-mixed-with-encouragement which feels more like pre-drafted replies for different cases. I feel bad for them because of the reality in this world, you need money to keep things running. And for things as noble and non-profiting as this, you need money to hire call operators, and ppl who actually care enough to work their ass off with pure intention (which virtually doesn't exist in this capital). Money runs the world. And money dont care that I am not happy with how the world runs.

Searching "Malaysia depression help"  brings me to some other sites which actually offers some sort of psychological therapy for a fee. Okay first things first. I have to answer a 10-question questionaire to access what kind of problem I have, what religion I align to, and whether I am straight bi or gay. I wonder how many suicidals can actually wade through that. Then next it says they charge USD65 per week for the therapy. The cheapskate in me killed the tab and concluded that quite literally my wallet is stopping me from getting help. So poor people are less worth it to save now. Sadly, it is.

So here we are.

With no idea how did I come to this, scared of where I will go, and what should I do now, I am latching on to the fact that things will get better in due time, but suffering in the mean time. Is this hell ?

Sometimes I wonder and secretly hope that all this is because I am an attention seeker, that I use this as something catch people's attention. But I don't know. I hope it's true.

...

I am never a leader material.

I constantly need someone to guide me, spur me on, and cherish me as I continue on my journey of life. I am grateful for a few whom I have met in my life, moulding me to the person I am today.

But now I feel so alone. Like I don't have anyone that I can connect with.  I guess everyone have their worries and they are fighting their own battles too. 

You could say everyone is living in the same environment and they are doing fine. Well, maybe I am the weak one, and I should be eliminated, because of the nature of selection. Survival of the fittest. Maybe I am born to be flawed and meant to be discarded, in due time.

I desperately need someone to cheer for me as I continue to live. But I try to look around, I found out I am alone. 

I feel like a broken toy that no one would play with cause whoever dabbles with me, I will cut them.

...

And I am done with putting in effort all on my own.

I am done with always making the first move and keep giving until I am empty.

And I am done with begging people to treat me better, cause they won't.

22/10/21

Today is another day I feel like dying.

As in, maybe I should die soon from a brain tumour in my head, or some random accident that gets me moving on from this repetitive, torturing kind of purgatory.

Life feels hard again, and it does feels like breathing takes effort, and nothing around me sparks joy anymore.

Worst is no one knows you are going through it.

Maybe, just maybe,

Everyone is going through the same shit ? What a depressing thought.

...

Been hit with the notion that I have not work hard enough at work lately.

To be clear, when it comes to work that pays, I would put in 100% effort so my employer doesn't pay me for me to do nothing, which will ultimately make me feel bad. So no, I am totally serious about my work.

But they say I am not working hard enough.

That I gave too much excuses.

It is really disheartening to hear that you are not giving enough when all you are doing is try. I mean, just because you are better and you could have done better back in your days doesn't mean I am not working hard enough.

Just hope that one day I will get there.

...

I am depressed.

 

27th Post-Script

 

 

 

 

 

Snap. 

We sent 2020 away and ushered in 2021.

Time passed just like that.

I realized I always want to pour my heart out here, but too many things and external factors held me back, despite my very strong inner yearning. 

This place used to be my sanctum of solitude. But look at me now, not doing things that I love, and doing things that I like not. Now the keyboard feels so strange, and the clanking sound of the keys sounds like a distant echo from the past.

Happy meh New Year everyone out there. If you are here, I wish for you a coming year full of blessings, health and happiness. I guess by the time you are as old as me, you would realize these 3 are the most important wealth that you can own in this world.

...

Truly coming back here had provided me with some solace that I cant seem to find anywhere else.

If there's a God, I hope he reads this because I haven't been praying lately. 

I feel better already as I have written this far.

This is as close to therapy as I can get, and getting it, make me feel like I can finally unburden my heavy laden load and take off my mask, and cry.

...

I don't know how to carry on with my life.

Everyday feels more like taking a toll on me. Yes, I might be oessimistic at times, but who has the right to invalidate what I feel in the present moment? 

There are days when I feel so lonely, even if there are people surrounding me. And there will be times when happy things in life doesn't seem to excite me anymore. I believe there's a name for all these signs combined, it's called depression. =)

Recently I've come to terms with the fact that I am suffering from some form of PTSD. Who knew I could be one to suffer from a traumatic childhood? I don't think anyone knows. Now who would understand what I go through at nights where I cant go to sleep, imagining sounds of war in my head, when everything is quiet around me? I want to escape this nightmare, to not hear things, but reality is so unforgiving, I thought I've loose it, but little do I know its merely a delusion created by devil itself, luring me into another sleepless night?

It's not easy being me. I guess I don't even know how to help myself.

...

Yes our world is plague with COVID still. Just as we can see improvement in the daily cases, there will be another country leader do something too stupid to fathom and screw the country over. Now BAM, we had 5000+ cases daily. To put things into perspective, just half a year ago we have only 2 digits of daily cases. What makes things worst is that these holier-than-thou, "religious", racist leaders still got paid their full salary for doing nothing. 

Seriously What The Fuck yo.

Enough about the ministers, the citizens are another kind of work-of-art.

Flouting SOPs, ape-like gesture of scanning temperature with their palm, wearing mask with their noses out in the open, wearing latex gloves but touching everything in their path. I go speechless everytime I see such behaviours.

and funny enough, they would cry and cry for the Gov to lockdown the whole country (which turn out to be non-existent), but when the gov really locked down (but doenst seem so), people get busy with roaming the malls, shopping for CNY stuffs, taking pictures at the Pavillion. 

Tell me what's wrong with you people. Its as though no one wants the world to recover from the ravages of COVID.

losing faith in humanity.

...

What could go wrong

When all I did is just articulating what I think?

I couldn't be more wrong

Because what I feel and think is just simply invalid

Because I am just an emotionless robot.

And I have to act like traversing through a minefield 

Does that simply means my thoughts doesnt matter?

 

Chapter 292 of 366

1. Sometimes I just wish I can choose to be done with everything move on. Objectively this is pure pessimism but right now deep down I wish I can go to sleep and don't wake up the next day. 

This goes to show how completely normal human can be pushed to his doom.

Or maybe I am that helpless

2. Society pushed the idea of patriarchy onto men and give them roles that they have to take up when they've come of age, regardless of their readiness.

Maybe I am just a wimp.

3. Everyone follows one truth that is convenient for them. If it contradicts with their way it will be simply discarded as fallacy.

4. Back during my college days my friends used to lie down on the road right infront of the college, letting go and just enjoy the moment. 

I've always thought that was a silly thing to do, but little did I know that time it was the most pure and simply thing that we can enjoy when times were simple.

5. Politics sucks. Now I know why people say there are no good or bad people in politics. Where are the righteous people in this world ?

6. Save me oh Lord.

Chapter 241 of 366

 

There are things that I need to put here first before i continue on fighting for my life.

Life is a struggle.

I am constantly caught in between been tired due to intensive work, and being depressed due to no income, due to no work.

It seems I have failed to appreciate the good side of both circumstances.

God help me.

Life is disappointing.

because life is full of people who want to put you down, 

simply because they have the power to do so, and you are not willing to give in for the sake of his ego,

or some they just feel so entitled they treat you like a servant instead of someone who tries to help you.

Yes, I have been put down by people who used to hold a high post in Government. For what? for bruising his already fragile ego. Yes. He just reached out to old acquaitance he used to know in the gov, a direct line to the health ministry,  who turns out to be a mighty boss many level above me.

I was been made an example so others wont do what I do. I was given the order to write letters to explain my actions, because the louder voice painted me like a disrespectful cunt who gave no fucks about senior citizen.

but has anyone hear about the other side?

Have they heard about the uncultured words that he repeatedly thrown at me, and the kind of outrage he had shown me while all i want was to defuse the situation.

He was a warmonger out for blood, and he wants more unless he got the "respect" that he deserves

and he got just the right connection to strike me down

I am just a nobody, and he made a point that I am just a nothing that he can easily squish in between his fingers.

...

The other fella thinks he can get 5 star service with RM1 registration fee for the treatment.

Hes's nobody, really. I think he sells car or something.

But he's a got an ego of a king.

To be completely honest, I am the kind of person who strive to give my best to a patient, so he/she might think, hey a dentist is not bad, not so scary.

I derive job satisfaction from knowing that I gave my patient a good time while accepting a decent dental treatment.

NOOOOOOoooooooo man this fella wants more, he wants to be treated like a king, or rather, to be babied with tender, loving and care.

the 2 times he came, he ended up complaining to the boss about little things that dont matter.

Maybe he just enjoy the attention. 

Fuck me, when bad things happen, they happen together.

I was made again to give in to the authority, to please the egotistical megalomaniac.

and at the same time reinforce the mindset that you can get whatever you want by making a scene.

Go to a fucking drama school would you?

 ...

心里总是有万分的不服气

为什么人类总是需要自己被在乎？

是不是当大家安分守己地活着，只要不符你的理想，

就是冒犯你。

Do you seriously think everything in life revolves around you?

What kind of culture are we trying instill in the younger generation??

...

"As a member of government service, we are trained to say "please", "thank you", and "sorry" to create a harmonious, friendly environment for the patient, while produce a brand image that government service can be warm, affordable with good quality" 

 "What most of us fail to notice is that we let a certain group of egotistical trash get their way and use government servants as a means to give a sense of security to their inferior complex."

 "When there's any confrontation, we as government servants "need to" readily give in and take up the guilt no matter how unreasonable pt's complaint is. 

 We let them win, while fully aware that we were not at fault"

 "And all these just so we can avoid official complain and accusations which will result in lengthy formal investigation and interview.

 In the end, unreasonable people will get what they want and us as government servants are often oppressed, because we are "peramah" 

 "To make matters worst, head of unit/department would often choose not to defend our own and advise to continually give in to their whims and unreasonable tantrums. 

 Just what kind of mindset are we trying to inculcate in the public here ?" 

 "Everyone saw, that by shouting and raising voices infront of everyone, you can get special treatment and priority. Next time, what argument can we give to others who tried to do the same to get the same special treatment? 

 Is this the right way to prove that "We Care"?"

 "All that I can say is that Government service has done a very good job in encouraging laziness, ego-stroking, hierachial priorities, and many more traits that doesn't reflect our Malaysian values 

 This got to stop and change, if we want to have a morally-upright future generation"

Maybe life is so frustrating its taking the peace away from me.

There will always be a part of me that I will find hard to control.

A part that speaks before the brain allows, which always land me in troubles.

and with life happening, now my word sometimes stings.

I need to think once, twice, thrice before speaking

more to learn.

how insignificant I am

more on that next time. Sleep time again. My tired body cant keep up with my depressed soul.

Chapter 211 of 366

I dont know why would I always come back to talk about this topic, death.
Somehow my life is surrounded by lots of death.

Is it meant to be?
Does all these experience is a lesson to teach me something about life?
Are all these some sort of preparation for something in the future?
I am not sure.


How does it feel when life slowly drains out of your body.
You slowly lose control over things that sustains your life,
Your breathing
Your vision
Your hearing

Everything slowly shift into a nightmarish state of blur.
You want scream, you want to do something to resuscitate yourself but alas,
you can only patiently let it pass, or let you pass.


It happened to my patient today.
Long story short he suffered from a panic attack while a procedure is carried out and he quickly slip into unconsciousness.
Everything can be fine till that one point when everything goes to hell.

It happened so fast, and so sudden, we can only react instead of stop and think carefully what to do next.
One wrong move, he might be dead.
I can clearly see him struggle to keep himself awake, taking deep breaths while slipping in and out of consciousness.

And to make the matters worst, his mom act as though her child is at the verge of death, which is not really helping anyone. I guess you can see how chaotic the situation was from my incoherence in my recount. I was sorta semi-traumatised.

First time in my life. I vow to not let my pt suffer the same thing ever, in best of my ability.


Putting that aside, I remembered when I had fair share of the experienced too.
I was just standing outside the door, struggling for breath when my vision starts to lose its colour. Everything turned black and white. and the surrounding noise got slowly muted, and my consciousness slowly fading. I feel like i might pass out and pass away at any moment.

The world became a silent dark world all of a sudden.

Was I scared?
No, I was focusing on trying to be better. I guess my brain still works as I tried my best to diagnose what is wrong with me, whether its respiratory centre suppresion, hypoxia, hypercalcemia, that sort of thing, in the moment.

I guess some people truly dont feel afraid when they die because they are too occupied with other things like staying alive.

Anyways, I guess I am no stranger to death, while I quietly wait for the passing of another person in my life.

Terminal Stage Prostate Cancer with metastasis.

While the whole world prayed for some miracle healing, me as a man of science knows for a fact that we should now plan for the worst and appreciate whatever time we have.

Such sad reality.

Perhaps we will revisit this topic yet again, someday.

Chapter 193 of 366

Tough life coming ahead, just a little update before I go off fighting for my life for perhaps a better future.

=)

Life has been difficult.
Just because I am suffering now doesn't mean the us in the past had it better.
We are at our both highest and lowest at any given point of life.

Maybe what I am saying sounds too gibberish, let me try to make it clear.

You might be at a party, and you feels good, but you can't shake that feeling of loneliness that is eating you away inside.
You might be doing a good job, earning a steady income, but your body and mental health is suffering silently
You might be having moments of zen, but little did you know you are too at ease to continue to survive in this hard and cruel world.

It seems life is slowly crawling back on tracks after the whole COVID-19 arc ( Not saying that its over tho, cause second wave can always be around the corner ). Found some side hustle to work on, and at the same time working steadily towards this commitment that I am having. Life's been pretty mundane and uneventful actuallly, in a good way.

Yes, actually I am planning for a wedding coming in a year time. (Yes that will be a story for another time, hopefully, given the chance)

...

Couple of weeks ago I am still a naive young adult enjoy my high life.

I havent worried for my financial status, thinking that my pay is able to support the lifestyle I am living.

COVID-19 taught me otherwise, that all these while I am taking up more commitments but unable to sustain my source of steady income. 

All these while I had been draining my savings without me realizing it.

Oopsie. What a bummer.

Havent I been poor before? Yea sure.

I had worked 10 hours per day, 6/7 days per week, at rm400++ per month in some convenience store.

I had worked at some restaurant and have to consume (clean) customer leftovers to satiate my hunger (shamefully admiting now, but it doesnt feels stupid at all at that moment)

I had to serve my friends family on a Christmas Eve, watching them enjoying family while I continue to work for a measly rm3.1 per hour.

I had worked as flyer boy, getting turn down for a million times and spatted on.

I had worked through the morning, 11pm to 4am, as hard labour to set some mall up for new year event.

Yea those are some of those times when I truly feel poor and desperate for cash to make my life better.

Now I am gonna add another moment in my life when I feel truly vulnerable without some cash in my pocket:

I am 27. Working as dentist. But I am left with scraps to survive after paying for all my commitments. I have to calculate expenditure for every meal and thinking of which meal to skip ( Thank God for my small appetite). I cant afford to buy health insurance. I dont have that rainy day savings to get me through should anything happened to my stream of income. I can't buy things that actually make me happy. I can't buy things that can make others happy. Lastly, I have to ask my dad if I can delay the monthly stipend that I promise to give him, just so i can survive.

Ahh maaan, sure feels sucky right now.

but most of it is due to my oversight. I could have seen it coming earlier, I could have prepared for it earlier.

But, I thank God for teaching me this small lesson. It simply means I have to reflect on how I lead my lifestyle, and live way below my means, just for a few more years at least. Soon I will be fine.

I truly hope this will somehow be a lesson for me to be humble when I achieved great heights in the future.

...

The more I grow the more I realize that, how vulnerable and defenseless we are in this world.
We can certainly try to control our future but we will only end up failing miserably.
There's too much uncertainty in this world, we can't plan ahead enough to prevent being fucked by unforeseenable debacle, or tragedy.

I have been realizing more and more that we need an almighty guiding hand that will pull us through every ordeal, or simply a hope that everything is in God's plan and it will be alright eventually.

We need to give up control and let God take the wheel.
Surrender.

Help me Oh Lord, keep me and get me through.
Because honestly I am tired, and I don't think I can do it alone.

Chapter 172 of 366

Whew.
That is like a huge hiatus, a huge gap where anime character went for training for 5 years then come back stronger than ever.

Honestly I never realized how 6 months flew back just like that.
On retrospec I only blogged twice for this year, and BAM third post comes only after half a year gone by.

So, welcome back.
For those of you who stumbled upon or came back for more updates on my life...



Previously on Stupiakjosh Chronicle:

The world Got FUCKED.
Hong Kong got fucked up.
US and NORTH.K got fucked up
An unknown virus came and ravage the whole world, disrupted the world order.
The world is never the same again.

Nations cross the world anounced Lockdown to control the spread of virus, no one can go in and out of the country, some unable to leave their home, afraid the virus will take them out should they leave home ( No one really understand the virus at that time ). The whole world is panicking, baffled by how a tiny virus can take down and paralyze the country and its economy.

death toll rises
infected rate skyrocketed.

owh. and many nice people died (RIP Kobe Bryant)

People including Stupiakjosh stayed home and do nothing.
luckily they have smartphones and internet to pass their time, God knows how people will survive if this happened in the 90s.

This whole situation turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
People got a well-deserved rest.
Nature got a well-deserved rest
Family bonded in boredom.

People realized a lot of things can be done at home without the need of going out.

People learnt to improve on their hygiene habits.

Humans band together to try to beat the virus.

The world seemed to be a better place.

Oh, then Malaysian politics got fucked up.

If you guys are truly interested, I had been actively logging and sorta write a memoir during this period of time on my twitter account. You can click here to access the memoir. Enjoy =D

好久没有这么深的感触了。

小时候我都在郁郁寡欢般的犹豫着，

或许是叛逆，

或许真的是觉得全世界与我为敌，

可是音乐总是陪伴着我。

在那无人的夜里，

我可以拿着我的吉他，

唱着唱着直到夜尽破晓为晨。

虽然无依无靠，

有时被全部人嫌弃，

总是还有音乐陪伴着我。

我就是和音乐有着那么深的绊缘，

可以说音乐就是我的命根。

发生什么事，

总是有哪一首歌，

唱着唱着，全部感情就长出来了，舒服了。

那时的我可是一无所有，

可是我有音乐，

总是有音乐陪伴着我。

只有音乐一直在陪我
看那走走停停的路
做着断断续续的梦
只有音乐一直在陪我
人来人往的冷漠
假设太阳不曾离开过

年少无知的我，

总是有那么多美丽的梦想，

那么热血，积极地想要奋斗，实现。

遗憾的是那时许多的束缚，没能达成。

长大了，

有点能力了，

想要追梦时，

遗憾的累了，现实了，

什么梦想换得到面包。

遗憾的死板了，衰老了，

梦改天再追吧。

说着说着，回不到过去了。

...

I sincerely hope next update will be soon.

Its late I needa work tomorrow.

Damn, the Me 10 years ago will never know how fast adulthood will hit him.

ciao

Chapter 9 of 366

When was the last time I had a good sleep? Or rather, have a good nice time totally to myself?
32 days. I counted. and I expect to continue to be like this for another few weeks.
Can my body hold on? maybe. But I am not so sure about my mental health, or my soul. I am pretty sure they are breaking apart.

And in that case, this would be a journal of me spiralling into madness.

Being this nerve-wrecking hardworking, I thought I am making a pretty good progress in my life, to make myself more capable and able to possess status and items that can let me better control my life, or perhaps make people around me happy, give them what they want, that sort of things. But all I feel is losing control, or being controlled. I lost my freedom, I lost my me time, I lost myself. I am that sour face you saw in your senile old neighbour.

I thought I am progressing quite far in my life, but all I see are more successful people around me, and gosh they seem like they are just breezing through, full of support from family, have things the way they want. no competitions. no troubles. And being freaking successful at a young tender age,

Heck I want to be like that too.

But now I am so drained all I want to do when I reach home is just to sleep.

Yea you can judge me by saying I am not having enough discipline, but who are you to judge.

...

All I want in my life is to see people around me happy.

But however I pull myself apart at the seams, give my all, and sacrificed my health, mental health, general well being so I can be bettter in making people happy, there will always be people who are unhappy with me. Like I am some sort of disappointment.

Why cant people just hold me and tell me that I am enough.

Why cant they see me as a simple guy whos fighting his best battle in his daily life but never gives up?

There will always be people who judges me according to how I bend to their will.

So what if I decided that its better to not follow your suggestions?

So what if I thought better to follow your wills and whims?

So why are you unhappy cause I am not your cute puppet.

Some people dont need friends or families, all they need are dogs who will listen to them.

Before you judge me, I hope you can sincerely put yourself through my life.  Then after that perhaps we can sit down and have a drink, and talk about me. I am in dire need for a pair of fresh eyes on myself.

There's a saying.

Even God waited till the judgement day to judge all humanity, who are we to judge others so fast?




and damn, whats with that constant tickling/aching on my left chest.
I might die young.

Chapter 7 of 366

First things first.

I have been having the most challenging (yet) period of my life.

I have been working for the Nth day consecutively now, if not counting Christmas Day which is full of events which further drain me physically.

Yes, now I am posted in the in the Oral Surgery Department in HKL. People say its all fun and a great way to forge new friendships, do some networkings, expand your horizons. Its all true. 

BUT ITS HECKING TIRING.

Yea you can blame partly on me, because the stingy me is unwilling to drive to work because of the petrol and the tolls ( Blame the Sarawakian in Me). 

So I am walking to walk every day, which is a frigging 25 km of journey with train transit and approimately 20 mins of walk in between. I feel my muscles screaming in protest everytime I toiled on on this gruesome trial. But thats not the worst of it.

I Dont get a rest day. Let me elaborate.

I have other commitments on weekends ( Please forgive me for being vague )

So it sort of paints a picture how my life now is: Go to work before the sun rises, and come back after the sun sets. Every single day. It might be nothing if you only see I take it on day by day, but if you have it for 30 days on a stretch, how would you feel?

owh not to mention those annoying on calls. Imagine get called up at 12am and have to drag your stony body to work with a 25km drive. seriously those things can kill.

honestly I am completely drained as of now. Dragging through my routine like a zombie.

...

And I had the scare of my life recently.

It all started with me spraining my neck. You must be like heck yea, everyone get neck sprains, those kind where you cant tilt your head for weeks and it feels like someone chopping at your head everytime you try to sneeze.

Except this time it just wont go away, which is probably due to my intense workload and my hopeless working posture ( What a occupational hazard really ). And a thought crept to my mind, I could have neck cancer.

Let me give you some context to my actions. I am posted in Oral Surgery, and everyday I am shown with a variaties of oral and maxillofacial cancers that claim many lives in just merely months after diagnosis. Yes, true stories. Imagine having a bad cough and you go to see a doctor. BOOM, congrats you have stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma of lung with brain metastases (True Story), you have no chance of curing and we can only make you feel better while you slowly pass. The thought of befallen with the same ill fate is just scary.

And to make matters even worse, I thought I feel a swelling developing on my neck on the left side.

So I have some time to come to terms with my possible worst-case-scenario.

What if I really got some aggresive form of cancer and are left with months to live?

What should I do with my family. How do I say goodbye to my loved ones. And in what manner do I want to leave this world?

These questions are just what I think through the weekend, in the midst of my hectic life, as I can only show my suspicion to my Specialist at oral surgery on Mon.

Seriously, who would have to think about all these at the tender age of 27. I guess only the real pathetic ones do.

So I managed to show my specialist my neck and Lo and Behold.

Everything is fine, the specialist spot nothing.

two thoughts come to my mind spontaneously:

1. Heck yea I dn have cancer

2. Ah time to blame it all back to my strenous lifestyle now.

3. Ah time to put up with human's bullshit for a few more years.

Yea, I am a joke. You can Laugh at  me.

...

To put things in a more serious tone.

What if I really have cancer. I mean, its not like I am immune to cancer, or death, as a matter of fact.

Am I ready to put all my affairs in order, and wait to pass?

are you?

The older I grow, the more I think humans are really fragile.

You either die a hero or you lived long enough to become the villain

Its just really tiring to live sometimes you know.

The constant judgement from everyone around you.

Trying to be your best self but people just keeps beat you down.

Trying to rise again but they beat you and ask you to stay down.

Now I really know why the bible says we live in a world of sin.

...

There are those times when unfortunately, people starts to have a unrealistic, perfect impression of you.

Yea, you heard me right, it is unfortunate when people think of you as a really nice person.

True, it might help you boost your relationship with that particular person, or land you a couple of goodies from time to time. sure.

But honestly, do you think you can keep up the image and be the perfect person that is not really you?

You can for sure try, but ultimately you will fail.

And what awaits then? Crashing, crumbling down of your image. 

That person can no longer recognize you as who they think you are in their mind, because they really dn know you in the first place.

So what does that left you with?

Probably a new enemy,  or a person who's really afraid of you.

Its really unfair sometimes when people cant see the real you before they form an impression of you.

Its not fair when they think highly of you when its not realistic

And its not wise when you try to act better than you really are.

Which brings us back to my previous post about when someone first met you, they should get an info card, or a presentation about who you really are. Then they can choose to piss off or start a relation with you, embracing who you really are.

Anyways, I am not getting anywhere by saying all these. We are in fact, the very creature that we are criticizing. 

...

Humans by nature are judgmental creatures.

They look at all the good you have done, and cant see it, or thinks it is expected of you.

One mistakes and BOOM, they will rain judgement on you.

What about all those goods you have done before this? They turn out to be insignificant in the eyes of those who had already nailed you to the cross.

God waited patiently for the end of world to judge us, who are we to judge so soon?

Its good sometimes to have someone who really knows you to your core.

Someone who knew about your weakness, who can see your strength and celebrate it

Who knows the reason for all your actions, and the way you do things, the way you think, and see everything that you do as normal.

and understands you

But I am a freak, I am a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here, I dont belong here.

The thirst for being understood is all too real now.

I am sorry to disappoint. I really do.

...

They say you either die a hero, or you lived long enough to be the villain.

I guess here comes the Darkening story Arc of my life eh.

Lets see.

Oh How the Mighty Had fall

We always think that we are some invincible being standing in the centre of all existing entity.
We feel strong.
We feel powerful.
We often feel nothing can hurt us, right then, right there.

But is it true?

Little did we know we are just a step away from our fall.


Yes, recently I guess we all came across news of untimely death of many people, which kind of make me wonder, how far is our delusion that we are untouchable on this world.

Yes you can blame on our lifestyles, that we are consuming more carcinogenic food, that we need to handle more stress, that there are more accidents around waiting to befallen us. But put that all aside, i guess we all have to face the truth, that we humans are just fragile.

We are like a gale, quickly fading in the wind.
Like an ember, swaying and struggling to stay alive
Like the final slit of daylight, not knowing when then next moment will consume us with total darkness.

We are weak.
The next moment I can die right here and now infront of my unpublished blogpost, succumbing to some heart failure unbeknownst to me.

life is unpredictable.
We all feel healthy until the doctor announced that we have stage 4 brain cancer.


Yea, you all get my point.
If all these can't bring the dawn of realization upon you, I am grateful to God that He spared you from all these worries, and I will pray that you have a good life.

Right now I just want to appreciate everything around me.
And try to enjoy and stay in the moment, which rarely comes by now.

...

I realized a sad truth about living in adulthood only recently.

That we should be too careful when treading among the adults.

Abide by the rules,

Follow the crowd,

Say Yes,

Do what others do,

Don't appear to be too special,

By any chance you slipped, you will simply open the door for all kinds of judgement and gossiping against you. 

Which is kinda scary, mind you.

I have had my fill of being discussed (behind my back) for acting a little bit out of the ordinary, and it makes you wonder what had changed when we all grew up.

Can you agree with me that humans are ugly and evil?

...

Does anyone still read blogposts these days, or is it just me.

Honestly?

I will start this word post with a recount of what happened in my previous hectic week.
Okay, I kind of forgot most of it already, because my memory is already sucking to the max.

Basically it all started when my car ( Yes, I got a car now) got showered by bird poop when I unknowingly parked it under a huge tree. Yes, I never really owned a car before so I wont know of these kind of taboos. Then comes those nights when I cant come home early to enjoy my alone time. When I become so mentally and emotionally drained trouble in work starts to hit me, one after another. My life can't be anymore worse.

As you can imagine, these are all just trivial matters, and from a bystander's eye, I might look like a spoiled brat who cried and howl over some lost toys. But who are people to judge unless if they are the one going through it? I maybe admitting to weakness in my resolve but truth be told, I really suffered a lot from last week.

Its like what joker said, All it takes one is one bad day to reduce the sanest person alive to lunacy.

One. Bad. Day.

But I've pulled through, life is kinda good. But somehow life is being a gatling gun loaded with lemons, sending challenges unceasingly, like battering ram rages on against my fragile sanity/emotional state. I guess that could only mean 2 things, 1. life is being exceedingly difficult  or 2. I am getting too comfortable and complained more these days.

...

One of my seniors once told me there will be a day when I burnt out. Not physically, and its not even about mental exhaustion. Its the kind of burn out where you lose your compass in your life. What is the point of working/living? What is the point of leading such busy life? What is the point for fighting so hard? and where is the end point of that? And what are we getting at the end?

I know there's an obvious answer to that but once going through that I know the struggle is very real.

The way I see it. The night is long and bleak.

I once told him, find meaning in little things. Time with your loved ones, genuine smiles, chill times, moments in life that will become memories. 

Now I know its easier said than done.

...

Back to HUMANS.

HUMANS are nasty.

Theres a lot I want to say but I guess I cant quite find the words 

I guess my time for me here is done.

Will talk more about humans soon.

Sucks to be me

I am always fond of vanilla ice-creams.
Maybe it's because when I was little, my parents used to bring me to this nice little buffet restaurant in the city.
It's my first ever buffet dinner, mind you.

Surprisingly, all the foods, hot dog rolls ( having hot dog rolls can kinda tell you this isn't any luxurious buffet dinner), fried food, the chicken really made my day. And oh gosh the ice-cream, I wont ever ever forget its taste ever since.

And now, I am constantly on the search for the familiar, unforgettable vanilla ice-cream flavour anywhere. And on rare occasions when I found it, it will be a blissful treat, and somehow my mind will always bring me back to that day, when the little boy enjoyed his buffet ice-cream, when life was good.

And we humans are all the same, we will all do whatever it takes to feel good, to bring us back to the day when we felt good.

...

Is it okay, when we hurt someone, we justify it by saying because others hurt us too?

Is it alright to hurt if that person hurted us, in a manner it became a justly executed retaliation;

or isit just plain wrong??

How would you defend yourself?

And is it right?

...

My life took a turn.

Used to be restless and relaxing life now becoming tiring, I am barely holding my eyes open now, and gosh its only 11.47 pm.

I will try my best, to fight for a better tomorrow.

God, I need strength.

Diary Entry 7/9/2019

Honestly I've got a lot to say,  a lot to recount.

But life finds a way to separate me from this sanctuary of mine.

So, Dear Diary,

Work is fine. Challenging but fine.

There are days when I just breeze through all the work and walk away like a true victor.

And there are days when I blamed myself more than anyone could for unable to solve my patient's problem.

She say, I am kinda weird for I love my job and I really enjoyed working. But, just I wait, soon I will be as lazy and resentful as all the others out there.

I sincerely hope that is not true. I hope my little candle of passion can light up the darkness.

...

Life can be tough

But what is tougher is dealing with people.

I've witness first hand, of people who can smile and talk to you, but backstab you when you are not around.

And for what did I deserve such treatment? Because I am trying to do my job.

Yeap, you get hated for doing your job.

In what world would you be appreciated for trying to improve yourself from day to day?? Not this earth I realized.

I feel really uneasy. Suffocating even, to dwell in this place I thought I can call my second home.

I was again wrong, so hopelessly.

No doubt there are good ones, in humanity's defense.

But for humanity sake I hope those are true, are really, and will remain true.

and with that I will be grateful.