Chapter 241 of 366

 

There are things that I need to put here first before i continue on fighting for my life.

Life is a struggle.

I am constantly caught in between been tired due to intensive work, and being depressed due to no income, due to no work.

It seems I have failed to appreciate the good side of both circumstances.

God help me.

Life is disappointing.

because life is full of people who want to put you down, 

simply because they have the power to do so, and you are not willing to give in for the sake of his ego,

or some they just feel so entitled they treat you like a servant instead of someone who tries to help you.

Yes, I have been put down by people who used to hold a high post in Government. For what? for bruising his already fragile ego. Yes. He just reached out to old acquaitance he used to know in the gov, a direct line to the health ministry,  who turns out to be a mighty boss many level above me.

I was been made an example so others wont do what I do. I was given the order to write letters to explain my actions, because the louder voice painted me like a disrespectful cunt who gave no fucks about senior citizen.

but has anyone hear about the other side?

Have they heard about the uncultured words that he repeatedly thrown at me, and the kind of outrage he had shown me while all i want was to defuse the situation.

He was a warmonger out for blood, and he wants more unless he got the "respect" that he deserves

and he got just the right connection to strike me down

I am just a nobody, and he made a point that I am just a nothing that he can easily squish in between his fingers.

...

The other fella thinks he can get 5 star service with RM1 registration fee for the treatment.

Hes's nobody, really. I think he sells car or something.

But he's a got an ego of a king.

To be completely honest, I am the kind of person who strive to give my best to a patient, so he/she might think, hey a dentist is not bad, not so scary.

I derive job satisfaction from knowing that I gave my patient a good time while accepting a decent dental treatment.

NOOOOOOoooooooo man this fella wants more, he wants to be treated like a king, or rather, to be babied with tender, loving and care.

the 2 times he came, he ended up complaining to the boss about little things that dont matter.

Maybe he just enjoy the attention. 

Fuck me, when bad things happen, they happen together.

I was made again to give in to the authority, to please the egotistical megalomaniac.

and at the same time reinforce the mindset that you can get whatever you want by making a scene.

Go to a fucking drama school would you?

 ...

心里总是有万分的不服气

为什么人类总是需要自己被在乎？

是不是当大家安分守己地活着，只要不符你的理想，

就是冒犯你。

Do you seriously think everything in life revolves around you?

What kind of culture are we trying instill in the younger generation??

...

"As a member of government service, we are trained to say "please", "thank you", and "sorry" to create a harmonious, friendly environment for the patient, while produce a brand image that government service can be warm, affordable with good quality" 

 "What most of us fail to notice is that we let a certain group of egotistical trash get their way and use government servants as a means to give a sense of security to their inferior complex."

 "When there's any confrontation, we as government servants "need to" readily give in and take up the guilt no matter how unreasonable pt's complaint is. 

 We let them win, while fully aware that we were not at fault"

 "And all these just so we can avoid official complain and accusations which will result in lengthy formal investigation and interview.

 In the end, unreasonable people will get what they want and us as government servants are often oppressed, because we are "peramah" 

 "To make matters worst, head of unit/department would often choose not to defend our own and advise to continually give in to their whims and unreasonable tantrums. 

 Just what kind of mindset are we trying to inculcate in the public here ?" 

 "Everyone saw, that by shouting and raising voices infront of everyone, you can get special treatment and priority. Next time, what argument can we give to others who tried to do the same to get the same special treatment? 

 Is this the right way to prove that "We Care"?"

 "All that I can say is that Government service has done a very good job in encouraging laziness, ego-stroking, hierachial priorities, and many more traits that doesn't reflect our Malaysian values 

 This got to stop and change, if we want to have a morally-upright future generation"

Maybe life is so frustrating its taking the peace away from me.

There will always be a part of me that I will find hard to control.

A part that speaks before the brain allows, which always land me in troubles.

and with life happening, now my word sometimes stings.

I need to think once, twice, thrice before speaking

more to learn.

how insignificant I am

more on that next time. Sleep time again. My tired body cant keep up with my depressed soul.

Chapter 211 of 366

I dont know why would I always come back to talk about this topic, death.
Somehow my life is surrounded by lots of death.

Is it meant to be?
Does all these experience is a lesson to teach me something about life?
Are all these some sort of preparation for something in the future?
I am not sure.


How does it feel when life slowly drains out of your body.
You slowly lose control over things that sustains your life,
Your breathing
Your vision
Your hearing

Everything slowly shift into a nightmarish state of blur.
You want scream, you want to do something to resuscitate yourself but alas,
you can only patiently let it pass, or let you pass.


It happened to my patient today.
Long story short he suffered from a panic attack while a procedure is carried out and he quickly slip into unconsciousness.
Everything can be fine till that one point when everything goes to hell.

It happened so fast, and so sudden, we can only react instead of stop and think carefully what to do next.
One wrong move, he might be dead.
I can clearly see him struggle to keep himself awake, taking deep breaths while slipping in and out of consciousness.

And to make the matters worst, his mom act as though her child is at the verge of death, which is not really helping anyone. I guess you can see how chaotic the situation was from my incoherence in my recount. I was sorta semi-traumatised.

First time in my life. I vow to not let my pt suffer the same thing ever, in best of my ability.


Putting that aside, I remembered when I had fair share of the experienced too.
I was just standing outside the door, struggling for breath when my vision starts to lose its colour. Everything turned black and white. and the surrounding noise got slowly muted, and my consciousness slowly fading. I feel like i might pass out and pass away at any moment.

The world became a silent dark world all of a sudden.

Was I scared?
No, I was focusing on trying to be better. I guess my brain still works as I tried my best to diagnose what is wrong with me, whether its respiratory centre suppresion, hypoxia, hypercalcemia, that sort of thing, in the moment.

I guess some people truly dont feel afraid when they die because they are too occupied with other things like staying alive.

Anyways, I guess I am no stranger to death, while I quietly wait for the passing of another person in my life.

Terminal Stage Prostate Cancer with metastasis.

While the whole world prayed for some miracle healing, me as a man of science knows for a fact that we should now plan for the worst and appreciate whatever time we have.

Such sad reality.

Perhaps we will revisit this topic yet again, someday.

Chapter 193 of 366

Tough life coming ahead, just a little update before I go off fighting for my life for perhaps a better future.

=)

Life has been difficult.
Just because I am suffering now doesn't mean the us in the past had it better.
We are at our both highest and lowest at any given point of life.

Maybe what I am saying sounds too gibberish, let me try to make it clear.

You might be at a party, and you feels good, but you can't shake that feeling of loneliness that is eating you away inside.
You might be doing a good job, earning a steady income, but your body and mental health is suffering silently
You might be having moments of zen, but little did you know you are too at ease to continue to survive in this hard and cruel world.

It seems life is slowly crawling back on tracks after the whole COVID-19 arc ( Not saying that its over tho, cause second wave can always be around the corner ). Found some side hustle to work on, and at the same time working steadily towards this commitment that I am having. Life's been pretty mundane and uneventful actuallly, in a good way.

Yes, actually I am planning for a wedding coming in a year time. (Yes that will be a story for another time, hopefully, given the chance)

...

Couple of weeks ago I am still a naive young adult enjoy my high life.

I havent worried for my financial status, thinking that my pay is able to support the lifestyle I am living.

COVID-19 taught me otherwise, that all these while I am taking up more commitments but unable to sustain my source of steady income. 

All these while I had been draining my savings without me realizing it.

Oopsie. What a bummer.

Havent I been poor before? Yea sure.

I had worked 10 hours per day, 6/7 days per week, at rm400++ per month in some convenience store.

I had worked at some restaurant and have to consume (clean) customer leftovers to satiate my hunger (shamefully admiting now, but it doesnt feels stupid at all at that moment)

I had to serve my friends family on a Christmas Eve, watching them enjoying family while I continue to work for a measly rm3.1 per hour.

I had worked as flyer boy, getting turn down for a million times and spatted on.

I had worked through the morning, 11pm to 4am, as hard labour to set some mall up for new year event.

Yea those are some of those times when I truly feel poor and desperate for cash to make my life better.

Now I am gonna add another moment in my life when I feel truly vulnerable without some cash in my pocket:

I am 27. Working as dentist. But I am left with scraps to survive after paying for all my commitments. I have to calculate expenditure for every meal and thinking of which meal to skip ( Thank God for my small appetite). I cant afford to buy health insurance. I dont have that rainy day savings to get me through should anything happened to my stream of income. I can't buy things that actually make me happy. I can't buy things that can make others happy. Lastly, I have to ask my dad if I can delay the monthly stipend that I promise to give him, just so i can survive.

Ahh maaan, sure feels sucky right now.

but most of it is due to my oversight. I could have seen it coming earlier, I could have prepared for it earlier.

But, I thank God for teaching me this small lesson. It simply means I have to reflect on how I lead my lifestyle, and live way below my means, just for a few more years at least. Soon I will be fine.

I truly hope this will somehow be a lesson for me to be humble when I achieved great heights in the future.

...

The more I grow the more I realize that, how vulnerable and defenseless we are in this world.
We can certainly try to control our future but we will only end up failing miserably.
There's too much uncertainty in this world, we can't plan ahead enough to prevent being fucked by unforeseenable debacle, or tragedy.

I have been realizing more and more that we need an almighty guiding hand that will pull us through every ordeal, or simply a hope that everything is in God's plan and it will be alright eventually.

We need to give up control and let God take the wheel.
Surrender.

Help me Oh Lord, keep me and get me through.
Because honestly I am tired, and I don't think I can do it alone.

Chapter 9 of 366

When was the last time I had a good sleep? Or rather, have a good nice time totally to myself?
32 days. I counted. and I expect to continue to be like this for another few weeks.
Can my body hold on? maybe. But I am not so sure about my mental health, or my soul. I am pretty sure they are breaking apart.

And in that case, this would be a journal of me spiralling into madness.

Being this nerve-wrecking hardworking, I thought I am making a pretty good progress in my life, to make myself more capable and able to possess status and items that can let me better control my life, or perhaps make people around me happy, give them what they want, that sort of things. But all I feel is losing control, or being controlled. I lost my freedom, I lost my me time, I lost myself. I am that sour face you saw in your senile old neighbour.

I thought I am progressing quite far in my life, but all I see are more successful people around me, and gosh they seem like they are just breezing through, full of support from family, have things the way they want. no competitions. no troubles. And being freaking successful at a young tender age,

Heck I want to be like that too.

But now I am so drained all I want to do when I reach home is just to sleep.

Yea you can judge me by saying I am not having enough discipline, but who are you to judge.

...

All I want in my life is to see people around me happy.

But however I pull myself apart at the seams, give my all, and sacrificed my health, mental health, general well being so I can be bettter in making people happy, there will always be people who are unhappy with me. Like I am some sort of disappointment.

Why cant people just hold me and tell me that I am enough.

Why cant they see me as a simple guy whos fighting his best battle in his daily life but never gives up?

There will always be people who judges me according to how I bend to their will.

So what if I decided that its better to not follow your suggestions?

So what if I thought better to follow your wills and whims?

So why are you unhappy cause I am not your cute puppet.

Some people dont need friends or families, all they need are dogs who will listen to them.

Before you judge me, I hope you can sincerely put yourself through my life.  Then after that perhaps we can sit down and have a drink, and talk about me. I am in dire need for a pair of fresh eyes on myself.

There's a saying.

Even God waited till the judgement day to judge all humanity, who are we to judge others so fast?




and damn, whats with that constant tickling/aching on my left chest.
I might die young.

Chapter 7 of 366

First things first.

I have been having the most challenging (yet) period of my life.

I have been working for the Nth day consecutively now, if not counting Christmas Day which is full of events which further drain me physically.

Yes, now I am posted in the in the Oral Surgery Department in HKL. People say its all fun and a great way to forge new friendships, do some networkings, expand your horizons. Its all true. 

BUT ITS HECKING TIRING.

Yea you can blame partly on me, because the stingy me is unwilling to drive to work because of the petrol and the tolls ( Blame the Sarawakian in Me). 

So I am walking to walk every day, which is a frigging 25 km of journey with train transit and approimately 20 mins of walk in between. I feel my muscles screaming in protest everytime I toiled on on this gruesome trial. But thats not the worst of it.

I Dont get a rest day. Let me elaborate.

I have other commitments on weekends ( Please forgive me for being vague )

So it sort of paints a picture how my life now is: Go to work before the sun rises, and come back after the sun sets. Every single day. It might be nothing if you only see I take it on day by day, but if you have it for 30 days on a stretch, how would you feel?

owh not to mention those annoying on calls. Imagine get called up at 12am and have to drag your stony body to work with a 25km drive. seriously those things can kill.

honestly I am completely drained as of now. Dragging through my routine like a zombie.

...

And I had the scare of my life recently.

It all started with me spraining my neck. You must be like heck yea, everyone get neck sprains, those kind where you cant tilt your head for weeks and it feels like someone chopping at your head everytime you try to sneeze.

Except this time it just wont go away, which is probably due to my intense workload and my hopeless working posture ( What a occupational hazard really ). And a thought crept to my mind, I could have neck cancer.

Let me give you some context to my actions. I am posted in Oral Surgery, and everyday I am shown with a variaties of oral and maxillofacial cancers that claim many lives in just merely months after diagnosis. Yes, true stories. Imagine having a bad cough and you go to see a doctor. BOOM, congrats you have stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma of lung with brain metastases (True Story), you have no chance of curing and we can only make you feel better while you slowly pass. The thought of befallen with the same ill fate is just scary.

And to make matters even worse, I thought I feel a swelling developing on my neck on the left side.

So I have some time to come to terms with my possible worst-case-scenario.

What if I really got some aggresive form of cancer and are left with months to live?

What should I do with my family. How do I say goodbye to my loved ones. And in what manner do I want to leave this world?

These questions are just what I think through the weekend, in the midst of my hectic life, as I can only show my suspicion to my Specialist at oral surgery on Mon.

Seriously, who would have to think about all these at the tender age of 27. I guess only the real pathetic ones do.

So I managed to show my specialist my neck and Lo and Behold.

Everything is fine, the specialist spot nothing.

two thoughts come to my mind spontaneously:

1. Heck yea I dn have cancer

2. Ah time to blame it all back to my strenous lifestyle now.

3. Ah time to put up with human's bullshit for a few more years.

Yea, I am a joke. You can Laugh at  me.

...

To put things in a more serious tone.

What if I really have cancer. I mean, its not like I am immune to cancer, or death, as a matter of fact.

Am I ready to put all my affairs in order, and wait to pass?

are you?

The older I grow, the more I think humans are really fragile.

Oh How the Mighty Had fall

We always think that we are some invincible being standing in the centre of all existing entity.
We feel strong.
We feel powerful.
We often feel nothing can hurt us, right then, right there.

But is it true?

Little did we know we are just a step away from our fall.


Yes, recently I guess we all came across news of untimely death of many people, which kind of make me wonder, how far is our delusion that we are untouchable on this world.

Yes you can blame on our lifestyles, that we are consuming more carcinogenic food, that we need to handle more stress, that there are more accidents around waiting to befallen us. But put that all aside, i guess we all have to face the truth, that we humans are just fragile.

We are like a gale, quickly fading in the wind.
Like an ember, swaying and struggling to stay alive
Like the final slit of daylight, not knowing when then next moment will consume us with total darkness.

We are weak.
The next moment I can die right here and now infront of my unpublished blogpost, succumbing to some heart failure unbeknownst to me.

life is unpredictable.
We all feel healthy until the doctor announced that we have stage 4 brain cancer.


Yea, you all get my point.
If all these can't bring the dawn of realization upon you, I am grateful to God that He spared you from all these worries, and I will pray that you have a good life.

Right now I just want to appreciate everything around me.
And try to enjoy and stay in the moment, which rarely comes by now.

...

I realized a sad truth about living in adulthood only recently.

That we should be too careful when treading among the adults.

Abide by the rules,

Follow the crowd,

Say Yes,

Do what others do,

Don't appear to be too special,

By any chance you slipped, you will simply open the door for all kinds of judgement and gossiping against you. 

Which is kinda scary, mind you.

I have had my fill of being discussed (behind my back) for acting a little bit out of the ordinary, and it makes you wonder what had changed when we all grew up.

Can you agree with me that humans are ugly and evil?

...

Does anyone still read blogposts these days, or is it just me.

Honestly?

I will start this word post with a recount of what happened in my previous hectic week.
Okay, I kind of forgot most of it already, because my memory is already sucking to the max.

Basically it all started when my car ( Yes, I got a car now) got showered by bird poop when I unknowingly parked it under a huge tree. Yes, I never really owned a car before so I wont know of these kind of taboos. Then comes those nights when I cant come home early to enjoy my alone time. When I become so mentally and emotionally drained trouble in work starts to hit me, one after another. My life can't be anymore worse.

As you can imagine, these are all just trivial matters, and from a bystander's eye, I might look like a spoiled brat who cried and howl over some lost toys. But who are people to judge unless if they are the one going through it? I maybe admitting to weakness in my resolve but truth be told, I really suffered a lot from last week.

Its like what joker said, All it takes one is one bad day to reduce the sanest person alive to lunacy.

One. Bad. Day.

But I've pulled through, life is kinda good. But somehow life is being a gatling gun loaded with lemons, sending challenges unceasingly, like battering ram rages on against my fragile sanity/emotional state. I guess that could only mean 2 things, 1. life is being exceedingly difficult  or 2. I am getting too comfortable and complained more these days.

...

One of my seniors once told me there will be a day when I burnt out. Not physically, and its not even about mental exhaustion. Its the kind of burn out where you lose your compass in your life. What is the point of working/living? What is the point of leading such busy life? What is the point for fighting so hard? and where is the end point of that? And what are we getting at the end?

I know there's an obvious answer to that but once going through that I know the struggle is very real.

The way I see it. The night is long and bleak.

I once told him, find meaning in little things. Time with your loved ones, genuine smiles, chill times, moments in life that will become memories. 

Now I know its easier said than done.

...

Back to HUMANS.

HUMANS are nasty.

Theres a lot I want to say but I guess I cant quite find the words 

I guess my time for me here is done.

Will talk more about humans soon.

Sucks to be me

I am always fond of vanilla ice-creams.
Maybe it's because when I was little, my parents used to bring me to this nice little buffet restaurant in the city.
It's my first ever buffet dinner, mind you.

Surprisingly, all the foods, hot dog rolls ( having hot dog rolls can kinda tell you this isn't any luxurious buffet dinner), fried food, the chicken really made my day. And oh gosh the ice-cream, I wont ever ever forget its taste ever since.

And now, I am constantly on the search for the familiar, unforgettable vanilla ice-cream flavour anywhere. And on rare occasions when I found it, it will be a blissful treat, and somehow my mind will always bring me back to that day, when the little boy enjoyed his buffet ice-cream, when life was good.

And we humans are all the same, we will all do whatever it takes to feel good, to bring us back to the day when we felt good.

...

Is it okay, when we hurt someone, we justify it by saying because others hurt us too?

Is it alright to hurt if that person hurted us, in a manner it became a justly executed retaliation;

or isit just plain wrong??

How would you defend yourself?

And is it right?

...

My life took a turn.

Used to be restless and relaxing life now becoming tiring, I am barely holding my eyes open now, and gosh its only 11.47 pm.

I will try my best, to fight for a better tomorrow.

God, I need strength.