Chapter 9 of 366

When was the last time I had a good sleep? Or rather, have a good nice time totally to myself?
32 days. I counted. and I expect to continue to be like this for another few weeks.
Can my body hold on? maybe. But I am not so sure about my mental health, or my soul. I am pretty sure they are breaking apart.

And in that case, this would be a journal of me spiralling into madness.

Being this nerve-wrecking hardworking, I thought I am making a pretty good progress in my life, to make myself more capable and able to possess status and items that can let me better control my life, or perhaps make people around me happy, give them what they want, that sort of things. But all I feel is losing control, or being controlled. I lost my freedom, I lost my me time, I lost myself. I am that sour face you saw in your senile old neighbour.

I thought I am progressing quite far in my life, but all I see are more successful people around me, and gosh they seem like they are just breezing through, full of support from family, have things the way they want. no competitions. no troubles. And being freaking successful at a young tender age,

Heck I want to be like that too.

But now I am so drained all I want to do when I reach home is just to sleep.

Yea you can judge me by saying I am not having enough discipline, but who are you to judge.

...

All I want in my life is to see people around me happy.

But however I pull myself apart at the seams, give my all, and sacrificed my health, mental health, general well being so I can be bettter in making people happy, there will always be people who are unhappy with me. Like I am some sort of disappointment.

Why cant people just hold me and tell me that I am enough.

Why cant they see me as a simple guy whos fighting his best battle in his daily life but never gives up?

There will always be people who judges me according to how I bend to their will.

So what if I decided that its better to not follow your suggestions?

So what if I thought better to follow your wills and whims?

So why are you unhappy cause I am not your cute puppet.

Some people dont need friends or families, all they need are dogs who will listen to them.

Before you judge me, I hope you can sincerely put yourself through my life.  Then after that perhaps we can sit down and have a drink, and talk about me. I am in dire need for a pair of fresh eyes on myself.

There's a saying.

Even God waited till the judgement day to judge all humanity, who are we to judge others so fast?




and damn, whats with that constant tickling/aching on my left chest.
I might die young.

Chapter 7 of 366

First things first.

I have been having the most challenging (yet) period of my life.

I have been working for the Nth day consecutively now, if not counting Christmas Day which is full of events which further drain me physically.

Yes, now I am posted in the in the Oral Surgery Department in HKL. People say its all fun and a great way to forge new friendships, do some networkings, expand your horizons. Its all true. 

BUT ITS HECKING TIRING.

Yea you can blame partly on me, because the stingy me is unwilling to drive to work because of the petrol and the tolls ( Blame the Sarawakian in Me). 

So I am walking to walk every day, which is a frigging 25 km of journey with train transit and approimately 20 mins of walk in between. I feel my muscles screaming in protest everytime I toiled on on this gruesome trial. But thats not the worst of it.

I Dont get a rest day. Let me elaborate.

I have other commitments on weekends ( Please forgive me for being vague )

So it sort of paints a picture how my life now is: Go to work before the sun rises, and come back after the sun sets. Every single day. It might be nothing if you only see I take it on day by day, but if you have it for 30 days on a stretch, how would you feel?

owh not to mention those annoying on calls. Imagine get called up at 12am and have to drag your stony body to work with a 25km drive. seriously those things can kill.

honestly I am completely drained as of now. Dragging through my routine like a zombie.

...

And I had the scare of my life recently.

It all started with me spraining my neck. You must be like heck yea, everyone get neck sprains, those kind where you cant tilt your head for weeks and it feels like someone chopping at your head everytime you try to sneeze.

Except this time it just wont go away, which is probably due to my intense workload and my hopeless working posture ( What a occupational hazard really ). And a thought crept to my mind, I could have neck cancer.

Let me give you some context to my actions. I am posted in Oral Surgery, and everyday I am shown with a variaties of oral and maxillofacial cancers that claim many lives in just merely months after diagnosis. Yes, true stories. Imagine having a bad cough and you go to see a doctor. BOOM, congrats you have stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma of lung with brain metastases (True Story), you have no chance of curing and we can only make you feel better while you slowly pass. The thought of befallen with the same ill fate is just scary.

And to make matters even worse, I thought I feel a swelling developing on my neck on the left side.

So I have some time to come to terms with my possible worst-case-scenario.

What if I really got some aggresive form of cancer and are left with months to live?

What should I do with my family. How do I say goodbye to my loved ones. And in what manner do I want to leave this world?

These questions are just what I think through the weekend, in the midst of my hectic life, as I can only show my suspicion to my Specialist at oral surgery on Mon.

Seriously, who would have to think about all these at the tender age of 27. I guess only the real pathetic ones do.

So I managed to show my specialist my neck and Lo and Behold.

Everything is fine, the specialist spot nothing.

two thoughts come to my mind spontaneously:

1. Heck yea I dn have cancer

2. Ah time to blame it all back to my strenous lifestyle now.

3. Ah time to put up with human's bullshit for a few more years.

Yea, I am a joke. You can Laugh at  me.

...

To put things in a more serious tone.

What if I really have cancer. I mean, its not like I am immune to cancer, or death, as a matter of fact.

Am I ready to put all my affairs in order, and wait to pass?

are you?

The older I grow, the more I think humans are really fragile.

You either die a hero or you lived long enough to become the villain

Its just really tiring to live sometimes you know.

The constant judgement from everyone around you.

Trying to be your best self but people just keeps beat you down.

Trying to rise again but they beat you and ask you to stay down.

Now I really know why the bible says we live in a world of sin.

...

There are those times when unfortunately, people starts to have a unrealistic, perfect impression of you.

Yea, you heard me right, it is unfortunate when people think of you as a really nice person.

True, it might help you boost your relationship with that particular person, or land you a couple of goodies from time to time. sure.

But honestly, do you think you can keep up the image and be the perfect person that is not really you?

You can for sure try, but ultimately you will fail.

And what awaits then? Crashing, crumbling down of your image. 

That person can no longer recognize you as who they think you are in their mind, because they really dn know you in the first place.

So what does that left you with?

Probably a new enemy,  or a person who's really afraid of you.

Its really unfair sometimes when people cant see the real you before they form an impression of you.

Its not fair when they think highly of you when its not realistic

And its not wise when you try to act better than you really are.

Which brings us back to my previous post about when someone first met you, they should get an info card, or a presentation about who you really are. Then they can choose to piss off or start a relation with you, embracing who you really are.

Anyways, I am not getting anywhere by saying all these. We are in fact, the very creature that we are criticizing. 

...

Humans by nature are judgmental creatures.

They look at all the good you have done, and cant see it, or thinks it is expected of you.

One mistakes and BOOM, they will rain judgement on you.

What about all those goods you have done before this? They turn out to be insignificant in the eyes of those who had already nailed you to the cross.

God waited patiently for the end of world to judge us, who are we to judge so soon?

Its good sometimes to have someone who really knows you to your core.

Someone who knew about your weakness, who can see your strength and celebrate it

Who knows the reason for all your actions, and the way you do things, the way you think, and see everything that you do as normal.

and understands you

But I am a freak, I am a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here, I dont belong here.

The thirst for being understood is all too real now.

I am sorry to disappoint. I really do.

...

They say you either die a hero, or you lived long enough to be the villain.

I guess here comes the Darkening story Arc of my life eh.

Lets see.

Oh How the Mighty Had fall

We always think that we are some invincible being standing in the centre of all existing entity.
We feel strong.
We feel powerful.
We often feel nothing can hurt us, right then, right there.

But is it true?

Little did we know we are just a step away from our fall.


Yes, recently I guess we all came across news of untimely death of many people, which kind of make me wonder, how far is our delusion that we are untouchable on this world.

Yes you can blame on our lifestyles, that we are consuming more carcinogenic food, that we need to handle more stress, that there are more accidents around waiting to befallen us. But put that all aside, i guess we all have to face the truth, that we humans are just fragile.

We are like a gale, quickly fading in the wind.
Like an ember, swaying and struggling to stay alive
Like the final slit of daylight, not knowing when then next moment will consume us with total darkness.

We are weak.
The next moment I can die right here and now infront of my unpublished blogpost, succumbing to some heart failure unbeknownst to me.

life is unpredictable.
We all feel healthy until the doctor announced that we have stage 4 brain cancer.


Yea, you all get my point.
If all these can't bring the dawn of realization upon you, I am grateful to God that He spared you from all these worries, and I will pray that you have a good life.

Right now I just want to appreciate everything around me.
And try to enjoy and stay in the moment, which rarely comes by now.

...

I realized a sad truth about living in adulthood only recently.

That we should be too careful when treading among the adults.

Abide by the rules,

Follow the crowd,

Say Yes,

Do what others do,

Don't appear to be too special,

By any chance you slipped, you will simply open the door for all kinds of judgement and gossiping against you. 

Which is kinda scary, mind you.

I have had my fill of being discussed (behind my back) for acting a little bit out of the ordinary, and it makes you wonder what had changed when we all grew up.

Can you agree with me that humans are ugly and evil?

...

Does anyone still read blogposts these days, or is it just me.

Honestly?

I will start this word post with a recount of what happened in my previous hectic week.
Okay, I kind of forgot most of it already, because my memory is already sucking to the max.

Basically it all started when my car ( Yes, I got a car now) got showered by bird poop when I unknowingly parked it under a huge tree. Yes, I never really owned a car before so I wont know of these kind of taboos. Then comes those nights when I cant come home early to enjoy my alone time. When I become so mentally and emotionally drained trouble in work starts to hit me, one after another. My life can't be anymore worse.

As you can imagine, these are all just trivial matters, and from a bystander's eye, I might look like a spoiled brat who cried and howl over some lost toys. But who are people to judge unless if they are the one going through it? I maybe admitting to weakness in my resolve but truth be told, I really suffered a lot from last week.

Its like what joker said, All it takes one is one bad day to reduce the sanest person alive to lunacy.

One. Bad. Day.

But I've pulled through, life is kinda good. But somehow life is being a gatling gun loaded with lemons, sending challenges unceasingly, like battering ram rages on against my fragile sanity/emotional state. I guess that could only mean 2 things, 1. life is being exceedingly difficult  or 2. I am getting too comfortable and complained more these days.

...

One of my seniors once told me there will be a day when I burnt out. Not physically, and its not even about mental exhaustion. Its the kind of burn out where you lose your compass in your life. What is the point of working/living? What is the point of leading such busy life? What is the point for fighting so hard? and where is the end point of that? And what are we getting at the end?

I know there's an obvious answer to that but once going through that I know the struggle is very real.

The way I see it. The night is long and bleak.

I once told him, find meaning in little things. Time with your loved ones, genuine smiles, chill times, moments in life that will become memories. 

Now I know its easier said than done.

...

Back to HUMANS.

HUMANS are nasty.

Theres a lot I want to say but I guess I cant quite find the words 

I guess my time for me here is done.

Will talk more about humans soon.

Sucks to be me

I am always fond of vanilla ice-creams.
Maybe it's because when I was little, my parents used to bring me to this nice little buffet restaurant in the city.
It's my first ever buffet dinner, mind you.

Surprisingly, all the foods, hot dog rolls ( having hot dog rolls can kinda tell you this isn't any luxurious buffet dinner), fried food, the chicken really made my day. And oh gosh the ice-cream, I wont ever ever forget its taste ever since.

And now, I am constantly on the search for the familiar, unforgettable vanilla ice-cream flavour anywhere. And on rare occasions when I found it, it will be a blissful treat, and somehow my mind will always bring me back to that day, when the little boy enjoyed his buffet ice-cream, when life was good.

And we humans are all the same, we will all do whatever it takes to feel good, to bring us back to the day when we felt good.

...

Is it okay, when we hurt someone, we justify it by saying because others hurt us too?

Is it alright to hurt if that person hurted us, in a manner it became a justly executed retaliation;

or isit just plain wrong??

How would you defend yourself?

And is it right?

...

My life took a turn.

Used to be restless and relaxing life now becoming tiring, I am barely holding my eyes open now, and gosh its only 11.47 pm.

I will try my best, to fight for a better tomorrow.

God, I need strength.

Diary Entry 7/9/2019

Honestly I've got a lot to say,  a lot to recount.

But life finds a way to separate me from this sanctuary of mine.

So, Dear Diary,

Work is fine. Challenging but fine.

There are days when I just breeze through all the work and walk away like a true victor.

And there are days when I blamed myself more than anyone could for unable to solve my patient's problem.

She say, I am kinda weird for I love my job and I really enjoyed working. But, just I wait, soon I will be as lazy and resentful as all the others out there.

I sincerely hope that is not true. I hope my little candle of passion can light up the darkness.

...

Life can be tough

But what is tougher is dealing with people.

I've witness first hand, of people who can smile and talk to you, but backstab you when you are not around.

And for what did I deserve such treatment? Because I am trying to do my job.

Yeap, you get hated for doing your job.

In what world would you be appreciated for trying to improve yourself from day to day?? Not this earth I realized.

I feel really uneasy. Suffocating even, to dwell in this place I thought I can call my second home.

I was again wrong, so hopelessly.

No doubt there are good ones, in humanity's defense.

But for humanity sake I hope those are true, are really, and will remain true.

and with that I will be grateful.