Sometimes

Sometimes I miss just lying down and look at the stars with some good company
and look at the constellation of stars
no one has to say anything
but just look up in silence
and silently drown in serendipity.

Sometimes I miss a good talk
those kind where you get to know more about yourself
the kind of talk where you can talk and get talk back to
in a genuine manner
not just the usual empty-shell talks
but the truly inspiring ones

Sometimes I miss being alone
when I dont have to care for anyone's feelings
when I dont have to think what to say next to make everyone happy
The time alone when I can be truly honest with myself
with a glass of mellow scotch, maybe
No one else but me and the dead silence.

Sometimes, I just miss living again.
And I miss all the people that comes with it.


...

Life comes a full circle
And I am back to where I started.

Confused, lost, in pain
I don't even know who I am anymore
I only know that the one who I used to be, is no more

I am no longer myself

I picked up a lot of things along the way
and now I am not really sure what of me is mine and what is not.

I tried to care. I tried to try make people happy.
But I realize that no one is ever truly satisfied.
What makes it worst is when I realize that, people meant a lot for me doesnt give a damn for me
I really gave it a try.
But in the end, all my concerns are being treated like an annoyance.

Maybe I am not the one that you want to hear from.
Maybe however concerned you are, sometimes what matters is the right person, not the right intentions.

Its okay. I really did try. I really did step out of my comfort zone and try to care.
But as much as I want to muster every courage I have in me to hate, I can't seem to do it.
trust me, I really do.

Because
You don't deserve it.
All these disappointment tells me that you dont deserve it.

...

p.s. Why am I judged for being real, and others are love for being fake?

      

Night of darkest kind

No I never thought I will come to today in this state.
I dreamt I would be that cheerful guy,  lovable by all,  smart,  sincere,  considerate, waiting to complete the dental course and leave India for good.

But things changed.
I am not who I was anymore,  and I can't seem to find the way back to the old me. 

I told my friend today,  I am completely not suicidal,  but if death were to come to me one day,  anyday,  I would gladly welcome it because it simply means I've got a way out of my troubled life.

I know it's unfair for my family,  and friends who truly cares, but sometimes become nothing seems to be a valid way out of this life. 

But death,  make everything that mattered in this world into nothing.  And those things that really matters, they are not bound by death.

She said 3 words that resonated within me

You have depression.

:o

Lets just say I really have depression
Will it matter?
Will the world stopped for a while by the dawn of the fact that I am depressed?
Will eople put down their work in their life and hold my hand and say,  it's okay?

No.

Depression can't be seen on the outside
Unlike sickness which manifested in physical weakness,



Depression often looks like this:

:)

In the night of the darkest kind,  who is here with me braving through the storm?
Who's ready to anchor me to this life?

A way out,  I can only hope for.

No man land

So,  I've installed the blogger app into my phone,  hopefully I would be able to blog more often,  anywhere.

To tell you the truth,  I really yearn to talk about myself in this no man land,  and I am glad that tonight  I am able to do so.

And to tell you the truth,  all my life I feel like other than God,  this place had been my best listener.  It's not people's fault (partly correct because some people listens just for the story), but for me I feel really uncomfortable telling people what I really think about,  what I feel,  my heart desire,  my struggles,  my worries,  my hopes and dreams.  It's just the way I am. 

I wanted to do so,  but when the time comes,  I just can't find the courage to do it

It's just the way I am

And right now,  I am just a man who's getting a little tired of living his life. 

I want to escape. I want to be free.  I want to be nothing.

\

People never knows

Guess who is He?

My heart is aching for wanting to have a friend like this.


Call me ungrateful, call me irresponsible, call me mean, call me anything.
I guess behind all that name-calling and labelling, people actually dont know who you really are deep down inside.

And that's what is holding me on today.

Say, you have this group assignment going on, but no one in your group seems to be interested enough to get the thing going
So you say, okay I will take this on and make this work.
You took up the RESPONSIBILITY that is supposed to be shared with everyone else
You took up the job, make a run for it, exhaust yourself, drain all your energy for the job
People didnt realize that
They wont even give you the acknoledgement that you deserve for the job you have done.
As time passed, slowly you became the "one that gets the job done", or the " one that needs to get to job done"
What used to be your volunteered helping-out, became your burden
You start to get taken for granted.
You even start to forget that THIS job is the kind of job that everyone should complete together
You burnt out
Your passion inside died out.
You reached out
You asked for help, from people in your group who is SUPPOSE to carry the weight together.
They replied

"No, sorry. I dont want to, and I dont have to clean up for you. Finish your own work."

I have tears in my heart, but no one knows why I frown.
No one knew why I sighed, while I cried inside
People forget about their weight as you carried for them, and it just naturally becomes yours.

...

I am alone in my world

多少次，我一直安慰自己

总有一天，有人会在乎

有人会把你看得比自己重要

日子久了，人见多了，话听多了

发现一切都没什么必要

有些东西太在意，就是你输了

我一直在我的世界里寻找着你，

翻来覆去见不到你

才发现

原来

我一直都是孤单的

和我对话的

只是那姗姗来迟，

熟悉的回音

Broken goods

At first,
I warned you
That I am a broken good
A broken toy who get hurt
Just as easy
As the waves break up at the shore

But you,
You are blinded
By the rush in your veins
Butterflies taking flight in your heart
It's just as easy
As you took me in into your life

Those days,
Best I remembered
Time passed so fast I forgot
That I was once broken,  fragile
And slowly I forget
How being broken mattered to us anymore

And now,
You had seen
The hideous, sad part of me
You forgot at once who I'm
And you only saw
The stranger that you can hardly accept

It's okay
I am broken
You can't break what already is
I am simply just broken goods
Too heavy to carry
You can just leave me here if you want to
Cause you won't wound what is already broken

Just a word post

I wonder how will people remember me as.
People come and go in this little train of life.
But will you remember me as that warm hearted guy that will lit up your heart as you remembered me?
Will you remember me as that steadfast kind of friend who will bring a smile to your face as I cross your mind?

If it's true for you.  I am glad I have brought some light into your life.
If not.  I regret that I should have tried harder.

Life is hard.
Wish everything has a simple solution like back in the days. 

Belated new year

Hey, its me again.

Its been a long long time since I last came up and talk to you. How are you doing? Its not a surprise for me if this place is long forgottten, gathered some dust, got a few cobwebs, maybe. Its been so long that my heart ached wanting to come back, wanting to grow out of this hiatus, wanting to break free from everything that holds me back from dancing on the keyboard, say a few words, and look back, and see how had my life been, for the past few months.

So, how are you? How am I?

... When I first started this blog, I write things about me, and then read back to it and see myself from a third eye. That's how I get to know myself. So basically i dont think much while i blog, just blurting whatever things that came to my mind; and when I review the posts, all things will stand out just enough.
And now, I still do that And now, I still enjoy doing so
Sometimes we think we know ourselves so much that we thought we had mastered our life We have that tinge of superiority, being untouchable, invisible, running in our veins, gives us the struts and we make our steps
but
Sometimes part of us that we never knew about, surfaces Sometimes we dont know ourselves as well as we thought Sometimes maybe, we kept feeding ourselves with the impression of us, and hide another part of us
In the end, we created a falseself that even we dont recognise. Tell me, do you recognise the you in the mirror? Is he/she who you truly are??
Sometimes just cant help but wonder why are there such monstrosity being bred within me


...

New Year. New Beginning.
It sure does feel really meh considering the fact that I am in the second year of my BDS study, and nothing is really interesting in India aside from my new "mercedes", and occasion friends visits.

Studies wise, well I rather not talk about it

The whole "live life out loud, and just be yourself" resolution of 2014 obviously doesnt really work well for me. So yea, I dont really have a clue of how to start my new year. ><

Happy Meh year everyone. Belated meh year, I mean.

Till then