27th Post-Script

 

 

 

 

 

Snap. 

We sent 2020 away and ushered in 2021.

Time passed just like that.

I realized I always want to pour my heart out here, but too many things and external factors held me back, despite my very strong inner yearning. 

This place used to be my sanctum of solitude. But look at me now, not doing things that I love, and doing things that I like not. Now the keyboard feels so strange, and the clanking sound of the keys sounds like a distant echo from the past.

Happy meh New Year everyone out there. If you are here, I wish for you a coming year full of blessings, health and happiness. I guess by the time you are as old as me, you would realize these 3 are the most important wealth that you can own in this world.

...

Truly coming back here had provided me with some solace that I cant seem to find anywhere else.

If there's a God, I hope he reads this because I haven't been praying lately. 

I feel better already as I have written this far.

This is as close to therapy as I can get, and getting it, make me feel like I can finally unburden my heavy laden load and take off my mask, and cry.

...

I don't know how to carry on with my life.

Everyday feels more like taking a toll on me. Yes, I might be oessimistic at times, but who has the right to invalidate what I feel in the present moment? 

There are days when I feel so lonely, even if there are people surrounding me. And there will be times when happy things in life doesn't seem to excite me anymore. I believe there's a name for all these signs combined, it's called depression. =)

Recently I've come to terms with the fact that I am suffering from some form of PTSD. Who knew I could be one to suffer from a traumatic childhood? I don't think anyone knows. Now who would understand what I go through at nights where I cant go to sleep, imagining sounds of war in my head, when everything is quiet around me? I want to escape this nightmare, to not hear things, but reality is so unforgiving, I thought I've loose it, but little do I know its merely a delusion created by devil itself, luring me into another sleepless night?

It's not easy being me. I guess I don't even know how to help myself.

...

Yes our world is plague with COVID still. Just as we can see improvement in the daily cases, there will be another country leader do something too stupid to fathom and screw the country over. Now BAM, we had 5000+ cases daily. To put things into perspective, just half a year ago we have only 2 digits of daily cases. What makes things worst is that these holier-than-thou, "religious", racist leaders still got paid their full salary for doing nothing. 

Seriously What The Fuck yo.

Enough about the ministers, the citizens are another kind of work-of-art.

Flouting SOPs, ape-like gesture of scanning temperature with their palm, wearing mask with their noses out in the open, wearing latex gloves but touching everything in their path. I go speechless everytime I see such behaviours.

and funny enough, they would cry and cry for the Gov to lockdown the whole country (which turn out to be non-existent), but when the gov really locked down (but doenst seem so), people get busy with roaming the malls, shopping for CNY stuffs, taking pictures at the Pavillion. 

Tell me what's wrong with you people. Its as though no one wants the world to recover from the ravages of COVID.

losing faith in humanity.

...

What could go wrong

When all I did is just articulating what I think?

I couldn't be more wrong

Because what I feel and think is just simply invalid

Because I am just an emotionless robot.

And I have to act like traversing through a minefield 

Does that simply means my thoughts doesnt matter?

 

Chapter 292 of 366

1. Sometimes I just wish I can choose to be done with everything move on. Objectively this is pure pessimism but right now deep down I wish I can go to sleep and don't wake up the next day. 

This goes to show how completely normal human can be pushed to his doom.

Or maybe I am that helpless

2. Society pushed the idea of patriarchy onto men and give them roles that they have to take up when they've come of age, regardless of their readiness.

Maybe I am just a wimp.

3. Everyone follows one truth that is convenient for them. If it contradicts with their way it will be simply discarded as fallacy.

4. Back during my college days my friends used to lie down on the road right infront of the college, letting go and just enjoy the moment. 

I've always thought that was a silly thing to do, but little did I know that time it was the most pure and simply thing that we can enjoy when times were simple.

5. Politics sucks. Now I know why people say there are no good or bad people in politics. Where are the righteous people in this world ?

6. Save me oh Lord.

Chapter 241 of 366

 

There are things that I need to put here first before i continue on fighting for my life.

Life is a struggle.

I am constantly caught in between been tired due to intensive work, and being depressed due to no income, due to no work.

It seems I have failed to appreciate the good side of both circumstances.

God help me.

Life is disappointing.

because life is full of people who want to put you down, 

simply because they have the power to do so, and you are not willing to give in for the sake of his ego,

or some they just feel so entitled they treat you like a servant instead of someone who tries to help you.

Yes, I have been put down by people who used to hold a high post in Government. For what? for bruising his already fragile ego. Yes. He just reached out to old acquaitance he used to know in the gov, a direct line to the health ministry,  who turns out to be a mighty boss many level above me.

I was been made an example so others wont do what I do. I was given the order to write letters to explain my actions, because the louder voice painted me like a disrespectful cunt who gave no fucks about senior citizen.

but has anyone hear about the other side?

Have they heard about the uncultured words that he repeatedly thrown at me, and the kind of outrage he had shown me while all i want was to defuse the situation.

He was a warmonger out for blood, and he wants more unless he got the "respect" that he deserves

and he got just the right connection to strike me down

I am just a nobody, and he made a point that I am just a nothing that he can easily squish in between his fingers.

...

The other fella thinks he can get 5 star service with RM1 registration fee for the treatment.

Hes's nobody, really. I think he sells car or something.

But he's a got an ego of a king.

To be completely honest, I am the kind of person who strive to give my best to a patient, so he/she might think, hey a dentist is not bad, not so scary.

I derive job satisfaction from knowing that I gave my patient a good time while accepting a decent dental treatment.

NOOOOOOoooooooo man this fella wants more, he wants to be treated like a king, or rather, to be babied with tender, loving and care.

the 2 times he came, he ended up complaining to the boss about little things that dont matter.

Maybe he just enjoy the attention. 

Fuck me, when bad things happen, they happen together.

I was made again to give in to the authority, to please the egotistical megalomaniac.

and at the same time reinforce the mindset that you can get whatever you want by making a scene.

Go to a fucking drama school would you?

 ...

心里总是有万分的不服气

为什么人类总是需要自己被在乎？

是不是当大家安分守己地活着，只要不符你的理想，

就是冒犯你。

Do you seriously think everything in life revolves around you?

What kind of culture are we trying instill in the younger generation??

...

"As a member of government service, we are trained to say "please", "thank you", and "sorry" to create a harmonious, friendly environment for the patient, while produce a brand image that government service can be warm, affordable with good quality" 

 "What most of us fail to notice is that we let a certain group of egotistical trash get their way and use government servants as a means to give a sense of security to their inferior complex."

 "When there's any confrontation, we as government servants "need to" readily give in and take up the guilt no matter how unreasonable pt's complaint is. 

 We let them win, while fully aware that we were not at fault"

 "And all these just so we can avoid official complain and accusations which will result in lengthy formal investigation and interview.

 In the end, unreasonable people will get what they want and us as government servants are often oppressed, because we are "peramah" 

 "To make matters worst, head of unit/department would often choose not to defend our own and advise to continually give in to their whims and unreasonable tantrums. 

 Just what kind of mindset are we trying to inculcate in the public here ?" 

 "Everyone saw, that by shouting and raising voices infront of everyone, you can get special treatment and priority. Next time, what argument can we give to others who tried to do the same to get the same special treatment? 

 Is this the right way to prove that "We Care"?"

 "All that I can say is that Government service has done a very good job in encouraging laziness, ego-stroking, hierachial priorities, and many more traits that doesn't reflect our Malaysian values 

 This got to stop and change, if we want to have a morally-upright future generation"

Maybe life is so frustrating its taking the peace away from me.

There will always be a part of me that I will find hard to control.

A part that speaks before the brain allows, which always land me in troubles.

and with life happening, now my word sometimes stings.

I need to think once, twice, thrice before speaking

more to learn.

how insignificant I am

more on that next time. Sleep time again. My tired body cant keep up with my depressed soul.

Chapter 211 of 366

I dont know why would I always come back to talk about this topic, death.
Somehow my life is surrounded by lots of death.

Is it meant to be?
Does all these experience is a lesson to teach me something about life?
Are all these some sort of preparation for something in the future?
I am not sure.


How does it feel when life slowly drains out of your body.
You slowly lose control over things that sustains your life,
Your breathing
Your vision
Your hearing

Everything slowly shift into a nightmarish state of blur.
You want scream, you want to do something to resuscitate yourself but alas,
you can only patiently let it pass, or let you pass.


It happened to my patient today.
Long story short he suffered from a panic attack while a procedure is carried out and he quickly slip into unconsciousness.
Everything can be fine till that one point when everything goes to hell.

It happened so fast, and so sudden, we can only react instead of stop and think carefully what to do next.
One wrong move, he might be dead.
I can clearly see him struggle to keep himself awake, taking deep breaths while slipping in and out of consciousness.

And to make the matters worst, his mom act as though her child is at the verge of death, which is not really helping anyone. I guess you can see how chaotic the situation was from my incoherence in my recount. I was sorta semi-traumatised.

First time in my life. I vow to not let my pt suffer the same thing ever, in best of my ability.


Putting that aside, I remembered when I had fair share of the experienced too.
I was just standing outside the door, struggling for breath when my vision starts to lose its colour. Everything turned black and white. and the surrounding noise got slowly muted, and my consciousness slowly fading. I feel like i might pass out and pass away at any moment.

The world became a silent dark world all of a sudden.

Was I scared?
No, I was focusing on trying to be better. I guess my brain still works as I tried my best to diagnose what is wrong with me, whether its respiratory centre suppresion, hypoxia, hypercalcemia, that sort of thing, in the moment.

I guess some people truly dont feel afraid when they die because they are too occupied with other things like staying alive.

Anyways, I guess I am no stranger to death, while I quietly wait for the passing of another person in my life.

Terminal Stage Prostate Cancer with metastasis.

While the whole world prayed for some miracle healing, me as a man of science knows for a fact that we should now plan for the worst and appreciate whatever time we have.

Such sad reality.

Perhaps we will revisit this topic yet again, someday.

Chapter 193 of 366

Tough life coming ahead, just a little update before I go off fighting for my life for perhaps a better future.

=)

Life has been difficult.
Just because I am suffering now doesn't mean the us in the past had it better.
We are at our both highest and lowest at any given point of life.

Maybe what I am saying sounds too gibberish, let me try to make it clear.

You might be at a party, and you feels good, but you can't shake that feeling of loneliness that is eating you away inside.
You might be doing a good job, earning a steady income, but your body and mental health is suffering silently
You might be having moments of zen, but little did you know you are too at ease to continue to survive in this hard and cruel world.

It seems life is slowly crawling back on tracks after the whole COVID-19 arc ( Not saying that its over tho, cause second wave can always be around the corner ). Found some side hustle to work on, and at the same time working steadily towards this commitment that I am having. Life's been pretty mundane and uneventful actuallly, in a good way.

Yes, actually I am planning for a wedding coming in a year time. (Yes that will be a story for another time, hopefully, given the chance)

...

Couple of weeks ago I am still a naive young adult enjoy my high life.

I havent worried for my financial status, thinking that my pay is able to support the lifestyle I am living.

COVID-19 taught me otherwise, that all these while I am taking up more commitments but unable to sustain my source of steady income. 

All these while I had been draining my savings without me realizing it.

Oopsie. What a bummer.

Havent I been poor before? Yea sure.

I had worked 10 hours per day, 6/7 days per week, at rm400++ per month in some convenience store.

I had worked at some restaurant and have to consume (clean) customer leftovers to satiate my hunger (shamefully admiting now, but it doesnt feels stupid at all at that moment)

I had to serve my friends family on a Christmas Eve, watching them enjoying family while I continue to work for a measly rm3.1 per hour.

I had worked as flyer boy, getting turn down for a million times and spatted on.

I had worked through the morning, 11pm to 4am, as hard labour to set some mall up for new year event.

Yea those are some of those times when I truly feel poor and desperate for cash to make my life better.

Now I am gonna add another moment in my life when I feel truly vulnerable without some cash in my pocket:

I am 27. Working as dentist. But I am left with scraps to survive after paying for all my commitments. I have to calculate expenditure for every meal and thinking of which meal to skip ( Thank God for my small appetite). I cant afford to buy health insurance. I dont have that rainy day savings to get me through should anything happened to my stream of income. I can't buy things that actually make me happy. I can't buy things that can make others happy. Lastly, I have to ask my dad if I can delay the monthly stipend that I promise to give him, just so i can survive.

Ahh maaan, sure feels sucky right now.

but most of it is due to my oversight. I could have seen it coming earlier, I could have prepared for it earlier.

But, I thank God for teaching me this small lesson. It simply means I have to reflect on how I lead my lifestyle, and live way below my means, just for a few more years at least. Soon I will be fine.

I truly hope this will somehow be a lesson for me to be humble when I achieved great heights in the future.

...

The more I grow the more I realize that, how vulnerable and defenseless we are in this world.
We can certainly try to control our future but we will only end up failing miserably.
There's too much uncertainty in this world, we can't plan ahead enough to prevent being fucked by unforeseenable debacle, or tragedy.

I have been realizing more and more that we need an almighty guiding hand that will pull us through every ordeal, or simply a hope that everything is in God's plan and it will be alright eventually.

We need to give up control and let God take the wheel.
Surrender.

Help me Oh Lord, keep me and get me through.
Because honestly I am tired, and I don't think I can do it alone.

Chapter 172 of 366

Whew.
That is like a huge hiatus, a huge gap where anime character went for training for 5 years then come back stronger than ever.

Honestly I never realized how 6 months flew back just like that.
On retrospec I only blogged twice for this year, and BAM third post comes only after half a year gone by.

So, welcome back.
For those of you who stumbled upon or came back for more updates on my life...



Previously on Stupiakjosh Chronicle:

The world Got FUCKED.
Hong Kong got fucked up.
US and NORTH.K got fucked up
An unknown virus came and ravage the whole world, disrupted the world order.
The world is never the same again.

Nations cross the world anounced Lockdown to control the spread of virus, no one can go in and out of the country, some unable to leave their home, afraid the virus will take them out should they leave home ( No one really understand the virus at that time ). The whole world is panicking, baffled by how a tiny virus can take down and paralyze the country and its economy.

death toll rises
infected rate skyrocketed.

owh. and many nice people died (RIP Kobe Bryant)

People including Stupiakjosh stayed home and do nothing.
luckily they have smartphones and internet to pass their time, God knows how people will survive if this happened in the 90s.

This whole situation turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
People got a well-deserved rest.
Nature got a well-deserved rest
Family bonded in boredom.

People realized a lot of things can be done at home without the need of going out.

People learnt to improve on their hygiene habits.

Humans band together to try to beat the virus.

The world seemed to be a better place.

Oh, then Malaysian politics got fucked up.

If you guys are truly interested, I had been actively logging and sorta write a memoir during this period of time on my twitter account. You can click here to access the memoir. Enjoy =D

好久没有这么深的感触了。

小时候我都在郁郁寡欢般的犹豫着，

或许是叛逆，

或许真的是觉得全世界与我为敌，

可是音乐总是陪伴着我。

在那无人的夜里，

我可以拿着我的吉他，

唱着唱着直到夜尽破晓为晨。

虽然无依无靠，

有时被全部人嫌弃，

总是还有音乐陪伴着我。

我就是和音乐有着那么深的绊缘，

可以说音乐就是我的命根。

发生什么事，

总是有哪一首歌，

唱着唱着，全部感情就长出来了，舒服了。

那时的我可是一无所有，

可是我有音乐，

总是有音乐陪伴着我。

只有音乐一直在陪我
看那走走停停的路
做着断断续续的梦
只有音乐一直在陪我
人来人往的冷漠
假设太阳不曾离开过

年少无知的我，

总是有那么多美丽的梦想，

那么热血，积极地想要奋斗，实现。

遗憾的是那时许多的束缚，没能达成。

长大了，

有点能力了，

想要追梦时，

遗憾的累了，现实了，

什么梦想换得到面包。

遗憾的死板了，衰老了，

梦改天再追吧。

说着说着，回不到过去了。

...

I sincerely hope next update will be soon.

Its late I needa work tomorrow.

Damn, the Me 10 years ago will never know how fast adulthood will hit him.

ciao

Chapter 9 of 366

When was the last time I had a good sleep? Or rather, have a good nice time totally to myself?
32 days. I counted. and I expect to continue to be like this for another few weeks.
Can my body hold on? maybe. But I am not so sure about my mental health, or my soul. I am pretty sure they are breaking apart.

And in that case, this would be a journal of me spiralling into madness.

Being this nerve-wrecking hardworking, I thought I am making a pretty good progress in my life, to make myself more capable and able to possess status and items that can let me better control my life, or perhaps make people around me happy, give them what they want, that sort of things. But all I feel is losing control, or being controlled. I lost my freedom, I lost my me time, I lost myself. I am that sour face you saw in your senile old neighbour.

I thought I am progressing quite far in my life, but all I see are more successful people around me, and gosh they seem like they are just breezing through, full of support from family, have things the way they want. no competitions. no troubles. And being freaking successful at a young tender age,

Heck I want to be like that too.

But now I am so drained all I want to do when I reach home is just to sleep.

Yea you can judge me by saying I am not having enough discipline, but who are you to judge.

...

All I want in my life is to see people around me happy.

But however I pull myself apart at the seams, give my all, and sacrificed my health, mental health, general well being so I can be bettter in making people happy, there will always be people who are unhappy with me. Like I am some sort of disappointment.

Why cant people just hold me and tell me that I am enough.

Why cant they see me as a simple guy whos fighting his best battle in his daily life but never gives up?

There will always be people who judges me according to how I bend to their will.

So what if I decided that its better to not follow your suggestions?

So what if I thought better to follow your wills and whims?

So why are you unhappy cause I am not your cute puppet.

Some people dont need friends or families, all they need are dogs who will listen to them.

Before you judge me, I hope you can sincerely put yourself through my life.  Then after that perhaps we can sit down and have a drink, and talk about me. I am in dire need for a pair of fresh eyes on myself.

There's a saying.

Even God waited till the judgement day to judge all humanity, who are we to judge others so fast?




and damn, whats with that constant tickling/aching on my left chest.
I might die young.