15/6/2013. 11.07pm. Moody. Sibu.

This opportunity of seclusion from my life is really rare. Away from the usual faces, away from the usual conversations, away from the usual routine, but nearer to me myself.

I think the reason behind me hating my blog is that, when I look at all the posts I made, I see a crestfallen soul trying to hold on to the filament of fine line that defines who he is. I don’t see me myself anymore. I see no Joshua Wong Shii. I only see a broken toy who defies whatever value that has in him, and slowly fade to black.

HOW WOULD YOU VIEW ME TODAY?
HOW DO YOU VIEW ME?

I guess I’ll never figure out how people think about me, despite my eager craving to know. I have the tiniest idea that perhaps I can see myself clearer through other people’s eye, instead of squinting hard at myself from my own eye, where I can’t see myself at all.

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IF I DESERVED TO BE LOVED.

People do tell you what they think about you, from time to time. “Hey, I think you are …..” “For me, you are that kind of person who…” “ You are…..”

Those words do come by quite frequently.
I mean no offense, but

Take off the sugarcoat
Take off the white lies
Take off the comfort
Take off the blatant decoration

WOULD YOU STILL DARE TO SHOW ME WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT??

I feel that I am an annoying brat that disgusts people whom I love to the core.
I feel that I am a hypocrite who wears something that people hates.
I feel that I am an abomination who does everything with an ulterior motive, with no sincerity at all.
I feel that I am a junk inside with pretty coating outside. People would love me and discard me simply after they delved deeper into my world. Simply because I am scary.
I feel that I am an attention seeker who uses his own sad story to mislead people into wasting their attention on me.


I feel like something unworthy, like how she can throw away rubbish without feeling sorry for it, nor feeling she had given up something precious.


AM I RIGHT??
AM I A DISGUSTING MONSTER WITH A SKIN??

Friends became a big part of my life for now. There’s a big part of me who feels apologetic to them because they have to take the trouble to listen to the same story over and over and over again, and offer some comfort that doesn’t help at all. But their presence and their sincerity blows me away, glue me in place, and pull myself together again.


“haha its ok la. =)
then we'll repeat it over and over until you are over it”


Thank you my friends.
I think this is the chapter of my life where I can seriously confess to you all that I love you all.
I love you all and I seriously appreciate all of your support
And how you all hold me so dear to your heart

Thank you. And I have no words that’s going to tell you how lucky I feel to have you guys around.