It's been a long long long while since I last spent sometime for myself, to settle the dust of confusion in my mind. Perhaps I've been giving too much, don't take and in the end, I am drained. Everyday I have to wake up with jumbled mind, and from time to time I feel that things are getting out of my hands, spinning out of control, and frustrating enough, my eyes are not fast enough to catch up with the change.
And it comes down to this sad case of reality. We have expectations.
People become disappointed mainly because they have expectations in the first place.
We tend to have expectations too high on people, the world, on humanity; and in the end we become disappointed because we imagined the world to be a very awesome place. And the truth out there is killing us
And of course there are lotsa misunderstandings layered in between. We saw things just on the outside but we don't see wars been waged on the inside. We say things that make things turn sour, without knowing its full implication. We do things so recklessly, we learnt a lesson so hard it changes who we are.
And so, I guess I am just disappointed.
I am disappointed by the fact that I am starting to have expectation in people once again.
It's just so hard to take the first step again, not knowing what you are gonna be stepping on. Everything feels so insecure, and nothing seem right in this chaotic times. I don't think I am in a good shape to live a normal life again. I think I am still as knockout as ever. I think I am not ready yet, but yet I am forced to face this challenge.
Sometimes I really feel the regret of crossing path with you, giving up myself up and become a really vulnerable being. I regretted abiding in the false hope that you gave me. I regretted putting that immense trust in you, and think that you are the one for me. I regretted being so reliant on you, and I regretted letting myself to fall for you.
I am so angry at myself because I've make such a wrong choice.
I regret this so much I want to have everything back
Every moment
Every single attention
Every caring thoughts
I just hope that I can turn back time, to the time when you are just an ordinary girl.
And I will see you only as an ordinary girl.
I guess you will never know how much you have broke me, cause even I am not sure about It.
But you don't care right?
It's okay.
Afterall, I am not given a choice to say "It's not okay" right?
Will be leaving Malaysia in four days time. Still the feeling doesn't feels real to me. But the dread is slowly grasping me, and making me literally scared.
I am scared. About how the way everything will change yet again when we have to part and start our own life, somewhere out there in the land of spices.
Gawd. I am seriously hating this.
I am blocked. Thank you so much, Cherrybum, and life.
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