Imagine

Imagine with me.
That you have this opportunity to start over
To the very beginning

No one knows who you are
No one have any clue of what kind of person you are
No friends made yet
No attachments
No burdens

Everything start anew

Would you, or would you not take it?
And how differently would you live this life should you choose to restart?


And how differently do you think it will be from the life you are living now?

Tempting, isnt it?

...

I've written all these with a sound mind and clear conscience.
Though my body one the other hand, is drown in toxin.

Funny thing is, as I grow I start to understand why grown up drinks Why do they seek solace from something that numbs them, but chew them up on the inside. I start to understand why grown ups do what they do, act the way they are now. It used to be so weird but now I am slowly able to understand

and ooops, I am a grown up now.

You wished that people are simpler, but sadly, I think we all gain a certain maturity when we comes of age, We hurt, we got hurt, we obtained new company, we became alone. We all learn something from our journey and developed a more complex character, if not wiser. Me, for instance, realize the need of a private sanctuary that is not a person or a place, but something inside you that have your back when you falls.

That's why I no longer feel comfortable sharing about myself to everyone.
I no longer feel comfortable that this is a public place, though not much people has access to this private sanctuary
I no longer feel comfortable in making everyone happy if I have to be the one suffering.

Tell me, is this how all grown up grown to be?
I wish I am simpler too.
Free from conflicting wars within
free from difficult choices to be made
Free from the delimma of who to please, and at the same time upset the other
Free from uncontrollable wants and needs
Free from the reality
Free from obligations I need to comply in order to keep those things matter to me

At one point of life, when you are slowly suffocated by disaster of your own making, you wish to go back, to restart, to escape, to not belong, to not care, to escape the very place you fit in, but doesnt belong to.

That's me now.



...

It has happened before
and it is happening now.
It will always be a mystery to me that

If it's me who's pulling myself back from belonging to a home

or

The problem is with the home that I dont fit in

or

There's wasnt even a home to begin with