Interlude

Somehow down the road, I started to become more and more fascinated in God's creation.

Okay, lets talk about stress.

There are only a few instances in life where I genuinely felt overwhelmingly stressed.

When I was 6 years old, I had difficulty pronouncing and differentiating some English words that have something to do with parks and gardens. And on the other end was my Dad, fierce and strict in teaching me.

11 years old, when I tried to memorize a booklet by heart for some exam but failed miserably at it. And I got no encouragement from everyone around.

17 years old, when I had to juggle between studies and multiple commitment. Then, I had to strike a balance between organizing camps, leading youths, and maintain my grades at the same time.

Stress is never fun to have. I will always remember the anxiety, how cold sweats drenched my clothes, how everything seems unreal, how sleepless nights feels like a battle where you have to entertain whatever shit your brain throws at you, and how I feel really helpless but have no choice but to take the trouble head on.

But somehow I adapted. I became stronger. There were bigger trouble that I see as little in my journey. and In my maturity, never would I thought I would be hit with stress again.

And it all started with me not having a job the same time as my batchmates, which is not suppose to happen.

People all talk about don't matter about the fucks and move on, but at the same time they run so eagerly forward and start the new phase in life on their own.

Heck yea, everyone is running forward like they are in a rat race. It is a rat race alright.

And here I am
still stuck in the past
bidding my time
willing but unable to move forward
while at the same time
there is a voice telling me that I am not working hard enough
that I should at least be as good as others
because there are a lot of good examples of successful ppl in life
and fuck you if you are not like them

So what if I am the loser
what if I cant do anything to my reality even when I want to?
What if I have a heart full of dedication but I cant make it?
Will it be enough?
Or is it not enough?