Adulting

Imagine, if in this world, before you get to meet someone, you are given the choice to see him/her at their most hideous side, no touchups, no beautification, just raw, honest worse self. The price to pay is it applies to you too, anyone who get to meet you are shown you at your most ugly self.

What would the world be like?

Will it be a better world, or will it go to hell?

And if given the choice, would you choose to see a person at their ugliest? And how would you feel, when you are to show your worst self before others get to know you?

The problem with us is that, we are so preoccupied with chasing an ideal version of us, that we are soon fooled by ourselves and believed that we can be perfect. And we chose to believe in the best version ourselves, while sweeping all our weaknesses and poisons under the carpet, and hide our unacceptable qualities in the closet like a skeleton.

What did we achieved by doing so?

We created a seemingly perfect society/world which rots with defiant human nature deep down, like a whitewashed wall.

Do you like the world as it is right now?

Or you feel everyone deserve a little bit more honesty. No pretense. No faking any traits or personalities. Just showing who we truly are?

We humans are ugly.

...

Came across the word "Adulting" a lot these days

Yeap, I guess I can finally call myself an adult today.

I am going to start to work a job, a huge milestone in my life, in adulting.

What does adulting mean tho?

I dont know. I guess I can share more on it in time.

To be honest, this day that I waited for so long for, I am feeling rather out of place when I finally come to it. I dont feel good about it. What should I do, What I need to do, I know not. I only know I have to keep surviving.

I guess its just how being in a rat race feels.

...

Everyone deserves to feel what they felt.

Its not right to judge someone for the emotions that they are having.

Its their battle, 

Its their journey, 

Its their calling,

not ours.

But,

If you decide to lash out to others because of what you feel,

and you justify it by saying its your way of dealing with emotions,

I cant stand by you on your line.

Because when you take your issues and insecurities on someone else,

you are making your problem into others problem.

And that is a line, in my opinion, you shouldnt cross.

Freed

I had take the first step out to make my life a better one.

There is only so much that i can take.

26 years of suffering and torture. and to think that all these while I thought it is normal and everyone has the same problem.

I've been reading on how to cut off toxic people in our life.

And I realize for this one I have to do what is best for me.

To cut off with toxic people in your life means you stop letting the toxic person to have power over your life, and emotions

To cut off with toxic people in your life means you stop thinking for the good of the person and focus more on your own.

To cut off with toxic people in your life means you are choosing yourself over disrespecting yourself.

There are people who demand your concern but they don't actually need it.

There are people who demand your respect but they dont actually deserve it.

There are people who will create crises and more drama once they realize they are losing their hold over you.

True, these people exists.

Well, I've tried. 

I've tried my very best.

I tried crying till my eyes dried out, 

I tried harming myself in order for you to realize how wrong you are,

I tried appeal to your heart, as earnest as I can be,

I tried to make you see, what we all see in you,

I tried to talk nicely

I tried to fix you.

But no.

This is not the way.

The right way, is to choose to make myself happy, even though I have to stop having you in my life.

This is it.

This is goodbye.

If one day you found your way back, and realize things are not the way they were anymore,

Please remember,

That things you killed on your way back,

They cant be brought back.

RIP the hurting Joshua who cares

TOXIC

In reality, I am a very damaged guy.
I was brought up in a toxic environment.

Maybe its true that everyone has their own battles; but if you are depressed over how dysfunctional your family is, we can probably always grab a drink, sit down, and share some experience together. I think I am at least able to emphatize with how you feel.

Family is like one sick drug.
They can make you feel really bad and unhealthy, but you always come back to them, no matter how detrimental it is to your physical and mental wellbeing.

well I guess now you are gonna be like, awww come on its not as bad as you think.

But, I am gonna make my case, that how many people out there actually see their family as some addictive poison that they cant get rid off. Well, I am one, who else? Can we make a line and see how many of us are suffering here?

Oh I am suffering, still suffering.
I thought leaving home is going to make everything better, but little did I know, I left with damage like radiation poison in me, like those firemen in the Chernobyl disaster.




On a side note, It's so easy to be brutally honest and be so bare and open when telling your stories to strangers. I dn really share about myself to people I know. Is it the same for you? Or Am I just one weird weirdo.





Okay. Back to the topic

My home is always disastrously noisy, to a point where it affected my physical and mental wellbeing.
I guess it's all too familiar to you too when you first figure out that sometimes mom and dad get into arguements,

The

first time, you might be scared.
second time, you maybe be so shocked and scared and sad that you actually break into tears
then the third time
then the fourth
then the fifth
then somehow on the thirty-third time your tear glands stopped working.

when it happened, I will just be quiet and pretend to do my own work, but in reality I am crippled, I cant focus, I cant do anything.

Somehow these things in the family have its way of damaging the kids and leave behind lasting scars on the family. I mean, how do you explain to a five year old that  people who love each other sometimes wants to kill each other. it will just not make sense to the kid.

Sometimes it will stretch on to days, and at night you can hear the halls and staircase echo with disturbing noises, and no matter how tired I was, I cant fall asleep. If I am lucky enough, sometimes i fall asleep before it starts; but if I am not, I will be up the whole night trying but unable to sleep, or woke up to the sound of screams and cries in the other room.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH WOMEN
I am not a sexist but sometimes I cant really deal with women.

And the worst thing is, it is so twisted in a way that I think this is normal. I accepted this as normalcy in my life, as well as everyone else's life. I thought everyone is having the same kind of family trouble, until I went out and realize how wrong I was.

There are actually happy families. There are actually couple who really love each other and thrives from hardships and settle disagreement in civilised ways.

Sometimes I would hope that my parents will be separated so the noises wont occur as often as they can be. That's how bad it can be for me.

After leavinng home at the age of 18, I am finally relieved of the pain and agony of having to stay home and bear the torture. I thought I am going to be free, but how wrong I was.

I am challenged by my own demon, mostly due to what was given by my parents, like an inheritance of cancer. Some nights I can hear the noises in my head, though I am hundreds of miles away from home. I think that's one way of define crazy.

It become worse if I go home and actually go through the real thing. The pain is all too real and searing like old wounds reopened, like stitches break and bleed.

Will I ever be well?
Am I going to be okay?
Are we going to be okay?
What is there waiting, at the end?

"Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid"

Dark Side of the Moon

And in this glamorous City of Shanghai,

there are also poor people

sad people

people who have no idea where to get their next meal

people who are angry

people who are evil

people who are down a dark path.

I believe, there's a dark side to everything.

I am not quite sure how do I articulate on this matter.

Because recently I am struck pretty hard by an ugly side of someone dear to me.

Like how can someone who wish to inspire respect from others, commit hideous acts?

How wrong we are to think that, people that we know are who they seem on the surface.

Many times we made the same mistake, and in the end got hurt by the unfounded expectation we have for someone.

Sure there are good people in this world, I am not going to deny that.

But I guess its pretty safe to say that, everyone is struggling with something in their daily life.

I am going to borrow from the Catholic's Seven Deadly Sin:

Look around us, everyone seem to be fine.

But there are people secretly can't have enough of "nice" food out there , never know how to say stop to themselves (Gluttony)

There are people who in their twisted ways, imagine what they are going to do to the next girl/guy what they had done with many others that they have sexually coveted. (Lust)

There are people who struggle with giving themselves more good things in the world, is it ever going to be enough, they dn really know. NO, scratch that. They dont think they have enough, ever (Greed)

There are people who are angry with what others have without a shred of gratefulness for the things that they themselves own. They are so not chill when people have what they dont have (Envy)

There are people who needs to feed their ego every now and then. It can be in forms of submission from others; it can be something great that need to be achieved; it can be something that they they shouldnt ever do, it can be as small as a "like" on a facebook/instagram post. (Pride)

There are people who are just angry. Always angry. Why you ask me. I dont know, perhaps maybe they are not contented with how the things are in this world. There are also people who failed at keeping their emotions in check, always do or say things in the wisp of the moment that brought irreparable damage. (Wrath)

There are people who just dont care, hell, they dn even care about themselves. They just want the world to pass them by and do nothing (Sloth)

Yea, its ugly I know.

We are ugly people.

I believe deep down inside, we are all ugly.

Had you come to terms with your sin?

What is your sin?

I know there are plenty of FUCKING ugly ( in terms of heart ) people in the church.

I've seen and known some of them in my life.

First hand experience.

I am sorry, I have nothing against churches. I am a devout Christian myself.

But I would like to come out of my way and make a stand that:

1. No one is perfect

2. Church is not the place for you to come to look for saints.

The truth is, again I can't say enough, is that there're a lot of evil in this world, in the most holiest of places in this world, in the purest of the people. There's always something dirty under that squeaky clean doormat, always a rotten skeleton in one's closet.

And I cant stress enough that I am deeply disappointed by how well these people thrive, just because they hide their dark side better, and make a better performance than the rest. Like, people will buy the idea that someone perfect and good exists.

And it all bound to crash and burn when that fake idea is exposed, realized.

PEOPLE ARE EVIL, MAN.

LOOK AT ME, I AM EVIL.

LOOK AT US

We are just a bunch of sinful cracks trying to convince others how good we are, while deep down, we know we are just hopelessly filthy.

The realization that your role model is not as good as you think can be destructive.

Look at me now. Losing faith in humanity once again.

Going down the dark path in the mind

Just because of something someone did.

Tell me, what should one do upon the knowledge that there aren't one saint left in this world.

How can we love people around us?

How can we be good ourselves?

I guess it goes without saying, and without a doubt that we all need JESUS. I am just going to end my argument and let you decide:

If you are holier than the Gods,

If you can find everlasting peace on your own

Or if you need a Fatherly hand that guides you on your rocky road to find heaven.

Something interesting to note:

1. People always change

2. In time, a person can be an entirely new person

3. But soon you realize that some old habits/traits die hard

4. So which one is true?

a. The only unchanging truth is that everybody changes

b. The only unchanging truth is that people will never change

5. Can a person change to be better, or worse?

6. Or it is already destined, ingrained in their DNA, something that is meant to be?

Okay, I am out of things to say, Just gonna show you guys how pretty China is:

Life Sucks.

Sometimes I can understand why people chose to take their own life.

They simply dont want to have anything to do with this world.

p.s. I am not suicidal

Still Hanging On,

Joshua

Interlude

Somehow down the road, I started to become more and more fascinated in God's creation.

Okay, lets talk about stress.

There are only a few instances in life where I genuinely felt overwhelmingly stressed.

When I was 6 years old, I had difficulty pronouncing and differentiating some English words that have something to do with parks and gardens. And on the other end was my Dad, fierce and strict in teaching me.

11 years old, when I tried to memorize a booklet by heart for some exam but failed miserably at it. And I got no encouragement from everyone around.

17 years old, when I had to juggle between studies and multiple commitment. Then, I had to strike a balance between organizing camps, leading youths, and maintain my grades at the same time.

Stress is never fun to have. I will always remember the anxiety, how cold sweats drenched my clothes, how everything seems unreal, how sleepless nights feels like a battle where you have to entertain whatever shit your brain throws at you, and how I feel really helpless but have no choice but to take the trouble head on.

But somehow I adapted. I became stronger. There were bigger trouble that I see as little in my journey. and In my maturity, never would I thought I would be hit with stress again.

And it all started with me not having a job the same time as my batchmates, which is not suppose to happen.

People all talk about don't matter about the fucks and move on, but at the same time they run so eagerly forward and start the new phase in life on their own.

Heck yea, everyone is running forward like they are in a rat race. It is a rat race alright.

And here I am
still stuck in the past
bidding my time
willing but unable to move forward
while at the same time
there is a voice telling me that I am not working hard enough
that I should at least be as good as others
because there are a lot of good examples of successful ppl in life
and fuck you if you are not like them

So what if I am the loser
what if I cant do anything to my reality even when I want to?
What if I have a heart full of dedication but I cant make it?
Will it be enough?
Or is it not enough?

Fallacy

I didnt manage to get into the first batch of intake

If you asked me how is the day I knew I am going to be jobless for the next 3 months like, I can't find a good word for you, because I myself dn really remember how did the day go, except that it was dark, and dreadful, and I see lots of smiley faces but not mine.

I was sort of devastated.
I mean, what am I suppose to do for the next 3 months, while my friends around me started to work as a dentist, have a regular pay, on their way to build a future for themselves,
while I just sulk at a dark corner, choking back on my own salty tears?

I guess you can tell me that its not a big deal, that others had it worst than me. that another 3 months is nothing compare to those who had waited 1 year but still havent earn bread on their plates.

But I guess all that is not enough to justify the bitterness I felt in my gut, the blur in my eyes that cant place a sight on my future, and the nagging in my mind at night, that ate me up.

No one can deny the right to feel what the heart feels.

I had everything planned out, from starting to find a higher earning job in KL from Nov, then switch to a job closer to my working field one/two months before I actually start my job (tentatively in March), then actually get a job then start working as a dentist, getting my own place and start earning my living.

But shit just gotta mess up your life somehow.

I guess up until now I still blame my bad luck.
Like nothing ever goes well for me for the past months.

First, I didnt manage to go home in time due to work extension
Second, the regazzettement  of our college name (which ultimately lead to the delay of me getting my job.
Third, the downs I had in my job ( like seriously can I have a win in my life?)
Then, I got robbed of my phone, all my memories held dear are taken from me.

Come on, can it be any worse?

Hell yea, there you go, no job for you for the next 3 months, have fun and rot.

Some people asked me to retain my job as a Dental Surgery Assistant ( DSA ), while I am waiting.

But I can't do it.

I can't stomach the fact that I am stuck in a place while my friends had moved on, to the next screen.

I cant do it.

So I quit my part time job, and start to search for a meaning in my life, in the midst of waiting and rotting.

I guess I have my senior to thank for.

He asked me, "think about what you want to do the most, and do it. do it to your hearts content"

And it woke up something in my heart that will not die.

"To see the world, 

things dangerous to come to, 

to see behind walls, 

draw closer, 

to find each other, 

and to feel. 

That is the purpose of LIFE"

I guess I am a wanderluster to begin with,
and I am always fascinated with how the world looked like out there.

And sometimes I think I could capture the goodness of a place from my own perspective and share it with the world, so they can have a take of what my eyes see, and be fascinated themselves too.

I longed to see the world.
I want to go far and wide.

So I packed my bag, and I left.

no more reading from natgeo and wonder when can i visit those places

Yes, I started traveling solo, to see the world with me, myself and I.

Honestly at first I am quite fearful, of how big the world is that it might engulf me and drown me.

This is the first time I go to a foreign country on my own, with no list to do, not a name on my paper, just my feet bringing me wherever it felt like. 

I touched down on Melbourne with only one goal in mind: To forget about my reality.

               

"Sometimes I don't. 

If I like a moment, 

for me, personally,

 I don't like to have the distraction of the camera. 

I just want to stay in it"

Yeap as you all can see, its not all that scary, I made it back to tell you all my tale.

Well, I come back a better person, resigned to my fate and ready to see things in with a fresh eye.

I guess what I am trying to say is, in another 10 years when I look back, I would thank God for giving me this 3-month-break, and amazed by HIS almighty wisdom in setting my life course this way.

I continue to pray that to be true.

Shit Happens but Life Goes On

I dedicate this post to Me, Myself.

Joshua Wong Shii
A guy surviving the harsh reality of his 26 years life, embracing all the shits, giving all the fucks, and still turn out to be an Okay-Okay-guy.

Ummmm, if you dn know about it yet, yea its me. XD

I used to be this kid who's really self righteous and think that I am so very special in this world,
talk a little too much, sometimes annoy the hell out of people and still think what I did was entertaining them.

Yeap, I was the class clown kind of guy.

But honestly, deep down I was just a lonely child with the need for attention from people and for a while, feel special when I was paid some attention.
I was sad most of the time.
I belittled myself a lot, I thought of myself as a sucky kid, so what I did was praising myself all the time, saying that I am the best so I can somehow boost my already little self esteem.

It was a kinda sad kind of life.
But to be grateful, I have a circle of great friends, who cared for me more than I know till this day.
I lived an okay life, never worried for the next meal.
I am blessed with sufficient intellect to shine sometimes .
And I would say I am grateful that I had a shot at love at a young age of 17, which I failed miserably.

I could vaguely remember the guy that I used to be.
I guess in essence I have a heartful of good intentions but I dn know how to correctly act upon it.
and my own demons, and my own foul mouth, always ruined things for myself and people around me.
Maybe I am childish sometimes, and most(?) are annoyed by me.

I dont know why its like that, why when I mean the whole world of good intention but people would still stay away. Truly, I can tell you now for sure that I have no evil in me. Never selfish, always follow the crowd's opinion, a typical Mr-Yes, always make myself look stupid so everyone can have a laugh at me.

I was fucking miserable, to be honest.

and then I made it through this phase.

I grew up, I guess, by a little when I stepped into college life.
Having to learn to live on my own, plan my own time, without any control from family, free to plan my spending, do whatever that I want.
Yea, life starts to feel good.

I guess my second (failed) relationship taught me to be a better guy, somehow point to me how bitter I was in my heart. And also in my college life I got myself more friends that I can rely on till today.

and I was still trying to fit into the herd.
I wonder why isit such a hard task for me.
I surround myself with lotsa lotsa friends, spanning over a few social circles. Wide connection, but shallow relations.

I wonder if the problem was mine, that shifting around when I was little has something to do with me having a hard time to fit in.

so I am never really in the moment, I felt like a bystander and dn feel the intimacy in the circle, always thinking of the time will come when I will be in the middle of the circle.

I was fucking bitter sometimes.

I guess college killed the little child in me at some point.

Moving on to university life.
In/Accidentally I landed on a leadership role which require me to represent my batch from time to time.
I guess when you grow pass 20 you somehow grew up.

Its not immediate but rather a gradual process when I morphed into someone new.
I no longer feel the need to shine. I just want to stand aside and enjoy the whole view
I no longer feel the need to fit in, I am happy just to be myself and sometimes be selfish a little

I guess the society broke me.

I guess I became a living zombie, carrying on the same routine everyday, hoping the current phase will be gone and usher in the next phase.

I guess I became real evil at certain point, as in being selfish, calculative, self-preserving, always locking horns with someone and trying to prove myself not by being the clown, but by my own power.

And along the way I guess I found the balance.

Not to forget all the good times I have, and I found the love of my life, who taught me alot and literally play a part in changing me into a better person.

So I guess I am happy with who I am today.
Coming thus far, I can only say that you've done a freat job bracing through shits in life and trying to be a better you all the time :) you are already the better you you dreamt of when you were little. Happy Birthday, Joshua.