Just a Short Post

Sometimes I really have to remind myself that the world is not revolving around me, and that the world is no longer a simple space that I used to know. The people are different. The way of working with people is different. The environment is different. The priorities are different. The relationships is different. Everything is different. Living suddenly become a sad old game of life.

I now see relationships as a very very volatile, intangible, fragile thing.
I think everyone will get to be the Mr Brightside. Getting their hearts broken, Getting their hopes too high. And transformed their very best friend to a familiar stranger.

Before hearts decided to commit again, please bear in mind, that there are things that you can't undone once it happens, and there are people whom you will lose from your life once they got too hurted. As much as I want to open up my heart again, I just don't want to lose anymore friends who means a lot to me.

I hope that, someday, someone deserving will come sometime, and break down my defense, and totally win me over.


Fin.

New Life. New Beginning.

India is really an interesting place.

the moment when I lay my eyes on the red barren land, I am partially shocked to see that there are basically no greenery at all, as compare to Malaysia. and the thing around is really really ugly, dirty and colourful in a very not-calming way. These makes me really depressed and i think that i am falling sick mentally and soon, physically. DX

Food might easily comes second for things that will surprised you immensely. Aside from the shocking price as compare to Malaysian food, the taste is slowly different too. How can a cup of KFC lime soda taste literally like liquid fried chicken?? DX

And they really use a lot of spices, which makes me wonder if this makes me high abit these days.. ><

...

Tune down a bit Joshua.

Just, tune down and be normal.

You don't have to stand out of the crowd to be noticed.

Like seriously.

Please, Joshua.

Goodbye

I texted you once. No reply.

I thought you are using the other number and your current number is not active.

Try hard to recall the number combination that was once so familiar.

I texted you once again. No reply.

I thought you are not using any number, or your phone is spoiled or something.

The message is clear. I am nothing but just some annoying shit to you.

My heart shattered into broken piece yet again, as if it can be further broken down anymore.

I guess I will never again say that this is the last time you are gonna break my heart. I can only hope. I can only pray that the pain will pass, that I will pull through, that I will find someone worth keeping finally.

This sucks.

I wish I can hate you. I really do. I feel really helpless for being suck a stupid person.

...

It's always so hard to say goodbyes.

After the goodbyes, we will go our own ways and move on with our lives.

And behind those goodbyes, there are lotsa things that will be change, whether we want them to be or not.

I realize it's not the goodbyes that I feared, it's the change after that that is terrifying.

What can I say??

I am scared. Cause there are times when we did not appreciate what we have right in our hands, and when things changed, we finally realized what matters the most to us.

I am real scared. I am afraid of the unknown that lies behind this goodbye. I dread that things will not be the same anymore after I left.

I will miss every single one of you. I will miss our every conversation. I will miss those moments when our life crossed-path, even if it's just an exchange of looks, or a word or two. I will miss having you in my life. I will miss whatever that we once shared.

I am not saying these because I think that this is the end. But simply, this is the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new chapter. We all have to bid goodbye, in one form or another, get on with our life, and continue to cherish these beautiful old memories, and pray hard and hope that when we look back someday, we'll know that everything is still the same, and the friendship is intact and growing strong.

Take care.

The confession of a sinner. Like you. Like me.

Today I went to my church back in kuching, for the last time, before my departure to India, for good.

I think it's kinda funny the fact that most people thought that I have already been in India already because I've been going around bragging telling people about going to India since 2 years ago. and they listened and listened and thinks that I've been already in India for quite some years. Well, i guess i can finally say, that I am going to India, for real. =)

I thank God that he gave me a very strong message.


佳美的脚踪


谁是佳美啊？？ XD

14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”                                                                     ~Romans 10:14,15~


I see the heart of a pastor so desperately trying to reach out to us. I see tears of desperation in his eyes as he mention to us how heathen our hearts are these days to God's calling to repent. For the second time in my life I see a pastor becomes so emotional when he tries to convey his concern and hopes to us, simply because God love us and we deserve this wake up call so the beauty of God's embrace will be revealed to us.

I really look up to these pastors, and I am actually envious. And my prayer is that one day I would have the same fulfilling relationship with God, and I will love him more than anything in the world.

...

I guess I can never be the kind of courageous christian who will boldly declare gospel to people who needs it because I think I am simply too afraid of being rejected. TOO SCARED. I just hope that my daily living will be a reflector of Christ, and perhaps people will see Christ living inside me and be convinced that Christ is the only way.

I hope that people will someday believe, if not at least be encouraged, when they look at me.

Maybe one day when you guys peek into this little blogspot of mine, you will see how God slowly scatter easter eggs here and there in the course of my life, and perhpas you will join the dots and form an incredibly picture, and believe, that there is a beautiful hand behind this life which constantly struggles to live.

=)

I never would be daring enough to say this. But I really hope that everyone I care about will turn to God and believe in him because he is simply too awesome and romantically wonderful. But I am simply too shy. If only they would approach me and ask me about it, I will have lotsa tales to tell.

If only they would.

Conflicted State of Mind

And I started this Blogpost not knowing what am I going to say next. Maybe I've not been expressing myself lately, causing this awful conflicted state of mind.

It's been a long long long while since I last spent sometime for myself, to settle the dust of confusion in my mind. Perhaps I've been giving too much, don't take and in the end, I am drained. Everyday I have to wake up with jumbled mind, and from time to time I feel that things are getting out of my hands, spinning out of control, and frustrating enough, my eyes are not fast enough to catch up with the change.


And it comes down to this sad case of reality. We have expectations.
People become disappointed mainly because they have expectations in the first place.
We tend to have expectations too high on people, the world, on humanity; and in the end we become disappointed because we imagined the world to be a very awesome place. And the truth out there is killing us

And of course there are lotsa misunderstandings layered in between. We saw things just on the outside but we don't see wars been waged on the inside. We say things that make things turn sour, without knowing its full implication. We do things so recklessly, we learnt a lesson so hard it changes who we are.

And so, I guess I am just disappointed.
I am disappointed by the fact that I am starting to have expectation in people once again.

It's just so hard to take the first step again, not knowing what you are gonna be stepping on. Everything feels so insecure, and nothing seem right in this chaotic times. I don't think I am in a good shape to live a normal life again. I think I am still as knockout as ever. I think I am not ready yet, but yet I am forced to face this challenge.

Sometimes I really feel the regret of crossing path with you, giving up myself up and become a really vulnerable being. I regretted abiding in the false hope that you gave me. I regretted putting that immense trust in you, and think that you are the one for me. I regretted being so reliant on you, and I regretted letting myself to fall for you.

I am so angry at myself because I've make such a wrong choice.
I regret this so much I want to have everything back
Every moment
Every single attention
Every caring thoughts
I just hope that I can turn back time, to the time when you are just an ordinary girl.
And I will see you only as an ordinary girl.

I guess you will never know how much you have broke me, cause even I am not sure about It.
But you don't care right?
It's okay.
Afterall, I am not given a choice to say "It's not okay" right?



Will be leaving Malaysia in four days time. Still the feeling doesn't feels real to me. But the dread is slowly grasping me, and making me literally scared.

I am scared. About how the way everything will change yet again when we have to part and start our own life, somewhere out there in the land of spices.

Gawd. I am seriously hating this.
I am blocked. Thank you so much, Cherrybum, and life.

Connection

(more photos)

Bako National Park is a very wonderful place. Well, what can I say?? The invitation came by surprise and I just gladly take it, cause I am going back into the embrace of mother nature. And without preparing much I took my step and joined this two pretty friend of mine and embark on a totally impromptu journey ( for me ).

Things to take note :

1. STRICTLY no food infront of the monkeys, even things that look like food. The monkeys actually robbed make me unwillingly turn over my bag of rubbish, not knowing what will it do if I don't comply. Seeing it chewing the plastic bag and devour it really makes me worried if I've had killed this monkey by "offering" something inedible, which is later denied by professionals over there, stating that they are just merely keeping food in their pouch on both sides of cheek. Still, the monkey successfully make me the ultimate litterer in the national park, spraying my bag of rubbish everywhere in the park compound.

2. I sat down on one random path, switch on my music player on random, and just play with the grass around with the two of them. I simply thinks that the moment is beautiful. I don't think the activities or the places matter, but it's the people and the memories that matters. 

3. Doing all sorts of crazy things during the entire trip. Threw a piece of biscuit toward a bunch of monkeys and run away straight after that, while the monkeys fight to death over the piece of carbohydrate and polysaccharides. Ran like a crazy man when we came to long stretch of straight road. Doing impromptu long jump competition. All that little fun moments simply make the trip memorable. I kinda get the meaning of the wise word " It's not the destination that's important, it's the journey" already. traveling with this kind of people ROX.

Anyways, finally there's picture of my own to post in my wordposts, instead of unoriginal tumblr pics Ha.

...

 

Recently watched this Pacific Rim movie. Rated : 9/10

This is the only movie that make we awed in wonder like a 10-year-old for a very very long time.

Lotsa BOOM and KAPOW in the movie, which makes everything so awesome. The plot, expression, emotion, story, soundtrack, image, twist, surprise are perfect and right in their places. 

One element that intrigued me the most is the drifting of two human minds.

In the film, a Jaeger's neural load is too much for a single pilot to handle alone, meaning they must first be psychically linked to another pilot—a concept called "Drifting". When pilots Drift, they quickly gain intimate knowledge of each other's memories and feelings, and have no choice but to accept them.

Come to think of it, if we really do have the ability to achieve drift with another person, how well can we accept a person as a whole? Often times we are focused on the bright side of a person and oftern neglected his flaws and imperfections, and thus causing real separation when we really start to get to know that person.

So what if from the start we can gain complete understanding of another person, can we go against the norm of this world, stay even though we know that he/she can't be perfect as we thought, or should we just give up that instant, and continue to seek for perfection in the midst of the flawed?

...

We connect with people when we shared a same interest, a same topic of conversation, or a common goal. And once a connection is made, it will form an attachment that clings on your mental flesh, which simply hurts when you tries to break away from this attachment.

Well, I guess what I am trying to say is.

I don't know what should I do for now.

I connected with You and I have to be dead careful now.

History doesn't repeats and teaches us nothing.

I am still trying to put that little ounce of hope in you.

My tiny bits of gambling chip,

all in for you.

Or perhaps I should just draw back and fold, and perhaps lost what I've already put in.

I don't know. Cause you said goodbye. Which is a very honest and heartbreaking thing to do.

and you will never know, how painful is this aching in my heart when I am not sure with what future that I am handling over in YOUR hands

.

People Change

Here's a little change of me for the time being....

Before.

The long long long Korean-styled hair

Short and clean.

Credits to my friend Kelvin Tan for taking all this trouble to take this photo and Photoshop-ed so it is viewable. along with a couple of other friends =) I like the name of the album, Grown Up because it really showed how much we have changed down the years.

If I were to take out a photo of mine when I younger and compare it with me now, I don't think i can imagine how can the naive guy in the picture can grow and matured into a guy like me today. There's just too much that I've been put through these years and I believe that, if I have not encountered these, my nature will be far far deviated from who I am today.

If you get what I mean. Heh.

People change.
As we are all subjected to changes somewhere in the road of life, and when the time comes, we will changed into that someone who no one never recognises. I think it sorta explains why some people sometimes thinks that certain person have changed.

So are they aware of the change thenselves? I really hope not.
So if they do have the ability to sense the change, can they stop it? I really hope not.

Cause that way, I would be more comforted by the fact that She changed because she can't help too. I really hope so.

...

Flight date to Mysore, Karnataka, India is confirmed to be on the 25th of July.

The feeling of leaving is so real for me now, and it's really something big to take in.

Leaving for sure will bring up lotsa feelings, cause I for one doesn't love to say goodbye and leave.

Now in this swirling pond of thoughts of mine, I hope I can find the way to express myself better soon.