夜

How do you start to describe emptiness??

As much as I want to make up my mind to be happy and start the day with brand new sunny disposition, at the end of the day, emptiness inevitably come gnawing inside when the night falls. I realize, that as much as I try to cover up that crooked smile of mine, people seem to realize that one thing that had been missing from me. They of course showed their concern, but the truth is, I have no idea at all what's broken and gone within me.

I just feel that I've become a different person. Not in the sense that I'm turning evil, but the fact that I'm no longer me. I can't explain the change at all, and if ever people ask, I'll tell them that I don't know too, just that things change, people change.

Now. I'm completely incapable to feel for people, as long as I am related to the matter. I'm completely incapable to be emotional, nor caring so much for other people or things that I use to care a lot about. I guess this incapability disappoints people, but I just have no clue what to do with myself.

Correction, I do feel and I do care. But just that I can no longer show and I dreaded the consequence that I have to pay when I start to care.

I want to take comfort in the fact that I've been given this opportunity to spend sometime for myself, to be there for myself, and perhaps spare some empathy for myself.Being dependent on other people for comfort in the past have make me so weak and vulnerable, so why not be there for myself?? It feels good really. This short 3 months feels like a soothing getaway for me, carefully nourished with tears and etched with scars, so that at the end of it, I will become a better person.

And perhaps in the midst of loneliness I can grow, as people grows when they are alone. I am quite convinced that people build their character when they are alone, and definitely not when they group up and have fun. In that I take comfort too.

Of all the thoughts in my dying brain, I guess all that I can muster in words are, that I am sorry If my changed brings disappointment, but I really couldn't do anything to help myself, and that I can't help to behave like this.

I'm sorry. To whom it may concern.

...

YOU

The fault is mine to hope that things will work out

Every encounter with you feeds the demon inside me

it grows

Every random dreams in the night nurtures it

Every daydream during the day makes it stronger

And soon

I am so afraid that I will be overpowered and taken over

So this has to stop

As much as I want to think otherwise

Screw all that serendipity 

I want to draw a fullstop between what we've shared

and let everything go back to what it used to be

It has to stop

STOP IT JOSHUA

...

Seriously , I don't know why people still lingers on this blog regardless how in-nutritious all these blogposts are. People can just die due to exposure to pure depression just by reading these rants of mine.

Do you all feel what I feel??

Are you feeling the same thing as me?

Are you going through the same thing as me?? 

If so, I for sure feel for you.

And I pray that one day we will be happy.