每次看着别人的生活照
我会不禁觉得
他们的生活
真的是很色彩斑斓
那我的呢？
我的生活
是不是彩色的？
好想念这里
我答应我自己
我要回来
Busy
One Simple rule in Life:
People can always judge you,
but never judge yourself,
when you know full well that,
your conscience is clear.
People can always judge you,
but never judge yourself,
when you know full well that,
your conscience is clear.
Wrap-up
And I say, Blabber Away, Joshua.
And here I am again, just blabbering away whatever crap thoughts that enter my head, and pour into this collection of words and ideas unwelcomed in this now sickened society.
…
So how am I doing lately??
I think a few words wouldn’t be enough for me to wrap up everything that I’ve been through in this 2 long months of absence.
And hence, a short wrap-up, and I promise to be as detailed as possible.
…
Study Week. Final Exams. Holiday. End of First Year.
I think I am still pretty much cracking my head trying to figure out who am I, and where am I standing in this world. Things had been so different from the past, and everything around me just looks so peculiar, and yet so familiar. I’ve almost came out with this conclusion that I am mentally breaking down, but I decided to deny it, and continue to hold onto the hope that perhaps everyone is going through the same thing too.
I can only hope.
Somehow I don’t think I am a bit at all tailored to undertake degree studies in a university, because I know up until now I am still not adapted to study in this kind of environment where people are really striving and thriving hard to be the best of the best, and give in their all for a more distinct title on this paper of so-called “certificate”.
People would stay up all night and burn out their midnight and morning oil just to study, while I would prefer to sleep because it is more beneficial to my wellbeing.
I would feel dejected and sometimes annoyed when people pour in their bestest effort into academics, as if all their life is about studying, and their life revolves around studies and grades.
Am I missing the point here??
Maybe its not the matter of right or wrong here, what matters is the norm.
Maybe all people dedicate their life to study around here, and I am the odd one out.
I am the only one not fitting into the picture
I am the only unable to fit in into the society.
You can slap me and tell me in my face that I am just sulking because I am not getting a satisfying result, that I am just being bitter. But I am actually fine with that, and in fact I felt free, and that the air is cleaner for the moment. This kind of thing is not my first priority, and it never will be. But I do feel resented by the fact that, maybe I don’t belong here.
I don’t belong.
…
I watched The Fault in Our Stars, and I can’t help but not like it, because it’s a nice movie, but a movie too sad for me to take in and imagine it happening in the reality.
Funny thing is that, I kept thinking that there’s some hidden messages that the director wish to relay, that perhaps he’s trying to deliver a deeper meaning through this literally short-lived love story. Although from the looks of it the movie is pretty straight forward and blunt, but my mind kept on loiter around in the movie’s universe, and toying on the role of that mean, bitchy writer, and the real meaning behind “Some infinities are bigger than some infinities”
Okay, I admit the movie somehow found a place in my head, and I am trying hard to flush it out of my mind simply because it is too sad.
Yea, so I still don’t like it.
But often times, don’t you think that life is very similar??
We would never know when the last time we will be with our loved ones is, we wouldn’t possibly know when our time comes.
Life, though predictable, is not so predictable at times.
It’s not something cliché that I use to impress people, but I just feel deeply so.
When the time comes, would we still have any regrets? Or would we feel satisfied and have no regrets?
And I wonder,
Is it that good time doesn’t last long, so we might learn to appreciate the brief, bright glow it shines on our life and realizes its true value?
Is it that bad times seems so long, so we might grow stronger and live out of it, and one day look back and feel accomplished from how far we had come?
But there are a couple of things that I am sure of,
That pain demands to be felt
And that the world is not a wish-granting factory.
…
I want to leave a mark.
But Van Houten: The marks humans leave are too often scars
But Van Houten: The marks humans leave are too often scars
Nothing is ever simple anymore,
Living a life is no longer a simple thing
I might not be the friendliest person that you will meet in your life, and I can be mean and insensible
But trust me
When you sees me under these mask of ever unpredictable demeanor, I would make sure I walk the extra mile to see you, too.
And with that, you will be a friend.
May Day. 五月天。
It had been so so so so long, memories of the past seem so vague
And now I am finally back to this sanctuary, though quite strange but this feels like home.
Like this is the only part of me that lingers on in the gushing stream of changes.
True enough, starting and keeping this blog is one of the best decision i had made in my life. Life with no place to pour out to our heart's content is simply excruciating. And after so long, exam by exam, wave by wave, and turmoil by turmoil, finally I am back to shout out, to scream to my hearts content in my barely audible whispers.
And now I am finally back to this sanctuary, though quite strange but this feels like home.
Like this is the only part of me that lingers on in the gushing stream of changes.
True enough, starting and keeping this blog is one of the best decision i had made in my life. Life with no place to pour out to our heart's content is simply excruciating. And after so long, exam by exam, wave by wave, and turmoil by turmoil, finally I am back to shout out, to scream to my hearts content in my barely audible whispers.
...
We all need this place where we can be close to who we truly are, a place where we are not judged nor defined by anything or anyone.
Peter Parker needs to make a stand for justice for his uncle's wrongful death, and therefore he needs to become Spiderman.
Bruce Wayne needs to take vengeance against evil in his city that took his parents life, and therefore he needs to become Batman
We all need this.
A side no one knows of, so unfamiliar sometimes we would even forget about it ourselves when we are trying to lead a normal life.
And I need this safe haven, where I can safely recount my life, and perhaps bury my deepest thoughts here, even when the world requires me to bring the secret together into the grave.
But the world is constantly pushing in, we can never be who we truly are, leave us with no choice but to put on a mask which please everyone more.
And therefore,
Batman needs to be Bruce Wayne
Spiderman needs to be Peter Parker.
We are all rotting souls in a sound flesh.
...
When I was younger, I am a nobody to anyone.
If memory serves me well, I am just an average guy who existed around somewhere, somehow.
with below average appearance
sucky grades
annoying depositions
empty wallets
zero fame
zero popularity
and a few friends far far away from the spotlight
And no one really bothered who I am, let alone care about my existence as another person on this planet.
And now, coming a long way from then, I finally found the need to give myself a wake up call.
Friendships come at a price.
It so hard to believe that there will be a genuine friend who look passes everything about you and just care for you for who you are. A good look around would suffice.
"Friends" give you orders and expect you to obey it, as if its your obligation to them
"Friends" put up a high expectation for you to live up to, so you are worthy enough to be their friends
"Friends" put their need before you, and make sure you served the purpose of making their life better
"Friends" take for granted every care you have for them, and expect you to do even more
'Friends" wished to own you, expect you to be by their side in every turn, even though at some turns they might be wrong
I've seen the truth. I've learnt my lesson. I've cleared my mind of doubts.
I see everything.
Crystal clear view of who people really are
And its really disappointing
To think that I've once considered myself lucky for slowly climb onto the stage, under the spotlight, and found so many friends.
Worse more, to think that everyone is genuinely caring and loving and went so far just to tell them that I can be a reliable friend
And worst of all, to naively assume that people who stayed around are meant to be friends or companions.
Its at these moments, dreams are shattered when people whom you trust the most turn around and stab you head on, with no reservations.
And all this just make me misses my olden days' friends who really do care, who shines still in the darkness.
...
Everyone is fighting for their life in their own way everyday
Everyone has their own battle with their demons within.
And I am fighting hard too
Somehow I am just glad that, maybe for once, i found my way back home. =)
Somewhere Out There
Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to hold on to. Nothing to be burdened for. Nothing to be sad for. Just endless and endless list of things to do, and to achieve in order to catch up with my life.
I wonder how life used to be; and how does the cool breeze feels in my hand. I am quite sure I've had miss out a lot on my life.
This much, I owe to myself.
There are more to life than this.
And often times I ask myself to see things differently, and perhaps life will be more of a pleasant view in my eyes. But why do I still feel weary as days go by?? All I feel like is that I've been bounded by many many things that I am obliged, though I am not obliged to do. The so-called " Things you should or shouldn't do". All the things that people can't wait to put on for you, as they are so quick on defining you, instead of take a careful look of your true colour.
Screw this stupid games of society
Screw this helll load of workload
Screw this boring life
Screw this
From now on my prayer will be that I will find life in the midst of this caged life
and i will find my way back home
...
Somehow I cant help but toying with my thoughts in my mind.
The WHYs, the HOWs, and the every bits of reason behind those thought.
I just cant help.
The way I see it, we are so bounded by little strings we cant see, as we slowly grows.
And it becomes so attached that, sometimes we will not be used to it when we are finally being ourselves.
It's like we had created ourselves safe boundaries for us to tread in, and without knowing we caged ourselves right inside. And we thought all this is to provide more security to ourselves, but we feel bad. And pathetic is that, we dont even know whats wrong with us.
“I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.”— Jodi Picoult (via realizes)
And there are this game that you have to play when you grow up. That's when all the melodrama starts. And as much as you hate it and wish that you never have to play it, you have to, all the same with no exceptions.
It was like we are so busy with growing up,
We forgot that people used to come not only when they want to use you
We forgot that people used to see not your looks or your social status, only for who you are
We forgot that people can be so simple, you dont have to give extra thought to what they say and what they actually mean
We forgot that things are not as complicated, and we used to have less drama
We forgot that we are so energetic and carefree those days
We forgot that we are so happily living, we don't have to be wary of our deeds or words because no one really care.
If there is a time when I would regret growing up, it will be now.
It was like we are so busy with growing up,
We forgot that people used to come not only when they want to use you
We forgot that people used to see not your looks or your social status, only for who you are
We forgot that people can be so simple, you dont have to give extra thought to what they say and what they actually mean
We forgot that things are not as complicated, and we used to have less drama
We forgot that we are so energetic and carefree those days
We forgot that we are so happily living, we don't have to be wary of our deeds or words because no one really care.
If there is a time when I would regret growing up, it will be now.
...
Pic of the day
Despite all these, I know there's life out there
Something more beautiful than all these
And its only up to how I see it
I am grateful
p.s. Figured out something again. Humans tend to replicate a particular environment or atmosphere because they want to relive the past memories that they are so fond of in their mind. But never do they know that things can be so different everytime, and that results in disappointment everytime when they didnt get the nostalgic feelings that they want to get, or got the outcome that they expect. But still they continued on everytime. Repeating the same all over again. Despite all these effort, they never know that, all they want is to relive those moment again. But no, now I know i doesnt work that way.
p.p.s But I am that stupid. I mean human nature are so complicated in a way that in a way it is pretty predictable. I will tend to do that also again, without fail.
p.p.p.s I think I am more energetic this time, as compared to the last post
p.p.p.p.s. Her name is Jun. Somehow I feel right this time round, but decided to not make a big fuss about it. So let's just KIV.
One, Twenty-One Guns
Stupiakboy is officially, legally 21!! :D
Well, I am thinkin, since I am already 21, should I changed "Stupiakboy" to "Stupiakman" instead??
LOL, just a thought.
Birthday is not the big thing for me in my life I guess, so I guess my chapter 21 will be more or less not so eventful. But guess how it turned out?? I celebrated it for 6 times. Special thanks to Jun, and all friends who cared for me. Certainly this birthday had been a great one and its really different.
...
Okay, here goes.
Tell me if I am weird or is everyone feeling the same too??
I feel like my life is starting to become a slur, like a swirling pool of memories, of recollections of who I am, my goals, and what am I suppose to do, of how this and that person mean to me and who are them to me.
weird?
Many times I was trying to delve into my conscious mind, reminisce on memories of the past, but sometimes those moments come out as a blur, and some i cannot even remember. It just feels like I have been living for too long, and now everything is starting to blur away at the face of time.
21, is it too long already??
And day just crept away day by day, and I just let it be.
I guess I've lost my momentum on life.
Happy Birthday to me.
Hope I will find new energy in the next post, one month from now maybe??
p.s. People seek for many things. Ultimately, it all lead to connection to someone, a sense that he/she understands you. I see that clearly now.
Silent Muse
Nothing much. Really.
After all that happening, my mind
still couldn’t register to the fact that I’ve really changed a lot.
So yea, nothing much happened.
Really.
…
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty sure
is one of the highlight of my life, considering the fact that I’ve been to the
theater to watch it twice. I really needa say that, Ben Stiller had really done
a great great job in producing such a moving movie, and it totally pictured my
definition to life.
“To see the world, things dangerous
to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel.
That, is the purpose of Life”
I find myself barely able to add
furthermore into this statement. This completely just sums up everything for
me. And I am completely awed with the little journey that Walter Mitty took and
see that his life completely changed. I want to be like that too, to travel, to
have a purpose to work hard for, and have a good company to fight with/for, and
ultimately, finding that stream of joy coursing within me, even when the
world starts to fall apart.
That’s life, and I cannot ask for
more than that.
…
A month passed in the new year and I
evaluated myself, and the promises that I’ve made to myself at the start of
2014; To live life out loud, and hoping all that I am is always enough for
everyone.
But the truth is, no one can ever be
enough for everyone, in fact no one can ever be enough for us (In a sense maybe
I am the one who thinks so). And it is only unlikely that the perfect world
residing within the sheath of my imagination can only stays in my head, not
being able to play out in the reality.
I mean, no matter how hard I try, no
matter how hard I Improved, there are still people who would deem me as
unworthy to share his/her friendship, or at least be convinced that the
friendship that I offer can only be pure.
I still sometimes disappoint people, even those whom I’ve given my all
to in order to prove my worth. I still
become that reason to be sad for. I still am that person who hurts when he
tries to hold on tighter.
And it was then I realize that I DON’T
HAVE TO PLEASE EVERYONE.
And it was then I decided that I should
live my life and be myself.
And it was then I know that I maybe
right, or I might be wrong.
Thing is, am I really ready to lose
all those relationships in the process of sieving out those who can really
accept and cherish us for who we are? Am I really committed to be myself and no
one else? Am I fully aware of the repercussions of my act and am willing to
accept it?
I don’t think I will ever know the
answer to that.
And here I was thinking that there
will be a day when everyone will be getting along just perfectly fine
regardless of all the differences. But now I know. The day will never ever
come. Call this my rebellion against everything that I’ve been rooting for, but I have
to challenge my faith in order to know that it is really true.
Or I will die trying.
...
To be ever Patient
Ever Loving
and ever Faithful
I am trying
And it ain't easy
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