Que Sera Sera

And so it happened.

All the while I think it's just a part of my nature, a part that I have to live with, a thorn in me that I have to bear with.

Little do I know that, a spark left unattended will burn down the plain, a problem left unattended will result in great disaster, a small weakness left unattended will bring tragedy in the future.

If only I put in greater effort and greater attention to things around me, i would never have to suffer from such ordeal, nor drag people whom i care about down together with me.

It would be enough to get myself into trouble,

but to get my family into trouble too, it's simply unforgivable.

This has to be put to an end.

I must be paying more attention to EVERYTHING.

I must not be forgetful anymore.

This is a solemn warning for me, myself, and I.
I don't care if I have to force myself or blame myself over and over again, but I want to pay attention to everything.

Or else, Que Sera Sera.

 

*Gasps*

So I was kinda concerned with the world these days. Thanks to our neighbour country who prefer their personal gain over other nearby countries' interest, we are now on Red Alert because of the Haze Attack.

Kuching is still okay so far. But I can't help but feel heart-gripped by the fact that my friends in penisular  Malaysia are suffering from much more serious condition. It's already bad enough here with PSI lower than 100, causing itchy eyes and itchy throat, i wonder how are my friends surviving over there, especially around Johor??

Sigh... Another step nearer to doom. Scientist, please adjust the doom's day clock one minute nearer to 12??

And I wonder, if people stay in their house and switch on aircond, wouldn't this speed up the Green House Effect?? Owh Gosh... things just have gotten better and better. DX

Take care people. Really, take care.

Blog. Blogger. Blogging.

阳光。始终是我向往的。

窗外的雨再大，我的哭声再大，我要的还是

金色的阳光，和蓝天。

A friend told me a few days back that he had stopped reading my blog.

I laughed, for quite a while, and in the end tell him that it's okay.

After all, this blog is a secret sanctuary of mine. A place where I can safely tell the tale of my inner world. The truth is, this blog is now a dead sea of sad thoughts and disappointed cries. But what can I say?? It is the real war going on within me, raging on from day to day, battering at my chest from day to day.

If I have to hide my thoughts in this very place just to please my readers, then where else can I etch my hushed whispers on??

If I couldn't house my inner world with this lowly website, what's the purpose of having a blog that merely spits stories according to reader's preference??

By blogging, I am able to read all my works from a third person view, and in turn puts me in perspective about what kind of person I am. 

And down the years, I've changed from a young cheeky boy, to a naive teenage, to a adolescent with angst, and now a guy frustrated to the world.

Until this stage, I just wanted to know.

if you'll embrace me for who I am now, not just a cheery guy on the outside, but also a sadistic creature on the inside??

It's okay. =)

Muted.

There are so much things that we can cherish in the world.
Family.
Friends.
Happy moments.
Air.
Water.
Sunshine.
Skinny Loves.

The thing that faze me is that. Why would people still chase for things of this world, fame, popularity, getting wasted, get stuck with a big bunch of gang. What is the meaning in life when all of this is attained??

Does fame defines a fulfilled life?
Having many friends makes you satisfied?
Being popular equals to a life of purpose?

I don't understand.
Why do people hold on to these and in the end omitted things that comes free, with a greater deal of value.

Would you guys just wake up?? And turn to those things that's worthy to be cherished??
Please??

...

A friend once taught me how to love my family.
He showed me when we love, we shouldn't put it on our mouth, instead we should show it with our actions, without mentioning it to anyone.
He showed me that when we love we do not count how much we sacrificed. The smiles on our loved ones face is the only thing that matters at the end of the day.

I thank him from the bottom of my heart. It is really some life changing secrets. =)

...

多麼痛的領悟
你曾是我的全部
只是我回首來時路的每一步
都走的好孤獨

To Cherrybum

Do you seriously have to stab me in the heart again and again??
Is it a neccesity?
Is it even necessary??
Do you really have to do it?

If you listen carefully you can hear my heart shatter.

I am lost of tears. sadly.

15/6/2013. 11.07pm. Moody. Sibu.

This opportunity of seclusion from my life is really rare. Away from the usual faces, away from the usual conversations, away from the usual routine, but nearer to me myself.

I think the reason behind me hating my blog is that, when I look at all the posts I made, I see a crestfallen soul trying to hold on to the filament of fine line that defines who he is. I don’t see me myself anymore. I see no Joshua Wong Shii. I only see a broken toy who defies whatever value that has in him, and slowly fade to black.

HOW WOULD YOU VIEW ME TODAY?
HOW DO YOU VIEW ME?

I guess I’ll never figure out how people think about me, despite my eager craving to know. I have the tiniest idea that perhaps I can see myself clearer through other people’s eye, instead of squinting hard at myself from my own eye, where I can’t see myself at all.

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IF I DESERVED TO BE LOVED.

People do tell you what they think about you, from time to time. “Hey, I think you are …..” “For me, you are that kind of person who…” “ You are…..”

Those words do come by quite frequently.
I mean no offense, but

Take off the sugarcoat
Take off the white lies
Take off the comfort
Take off the blatant decoration

WOULD YOU STILL DARE TO SHOW ME WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT??

I feel that I am an annoying brat that disgusts people whom I love to the core.
I feel that I am a hypocrite who wears something that people hates.
I feel that I am an abomination who does everything with an ulterior motive, with no sincerity at all.
I feel that I am a junk inside with pretty coating outside. People would love me and discard me simply after they delved deeper into my world. Simply because I am scary.
I feel that I am an attention seeker who uses his own sad story to mislead people into wasting their attention on me.


I feel like something unworthy, like how she can throw away rubbish without feeling sorry for it, nor feeling she had given up something precious.


AM I RIGHT??
AM I A DISGUSTING MONSTER WITH A SKIN??

Friends became a big part of my life for now. There’s a big part of me who feels apologetic to them because they have to take the trouble to listen to the same story over and over and over again, and offer some comfort that doesn’t help at all. But their presence and their sincerity blows me away, glue me in place, and pull myself together again.


“haha its ok la. =)
then we'll repeat it over and over until you are over it”


Thank you my friends.
I think this is the chapter of my life where I can seriously confess to you all that I love you all.
I love you all and I seriously appreciate all of your support
And how you all hold me so dear to your heart

Thank you. And I have no words that’s going to tell you how lucky I feel to have you guys around.

Dark side of the Moon

Looking outside the window

Everything seemed like a reminder of sorrows

Draping crescent echoed heart that is hollow

Silent cries claws in the serene glow

Carefully you took your steps and fled

Leaving behind promises so broken

Nothing seems to feel right anymore

Lest for the chaos, turmoil that ricocheted in disarray

You stumbled in and bring wonders into my life

And left and strike me down just as fast

I was so unwell before

And yet so torn down again before I’m given the chance to heal

Tell me

What are words if you really don’t mean them when you say them?

What are words if they are only for good times then they are gone?

Do you even know?

Do you even care?

Had you known that the pain dwells in the heart?

Had you known that the memories haunt like nightmares?

Had you known that this is a torture unlike any other?

Had you known that I still care, from the bottom of my heart??

As I lay dying

I try to reach for the hand that holds

For the shoulder that is always there

For the ear that listens

For the heart that understands

For the voices that soothes

For the comfort that calms my restless heart.

But little did I know

That they are no longer there

And that I can only stare at my own death looking back at me

Stealing bits of me day by day

Like a fish dying in an ocean that forsakes it.

And little did I know

That this little bittersweet trance

Kills me inside out

Breaks me down and build me up

A freak that smiles while hurting

To dear Cherrybum

The moment when you hope that whatever that you've blogged, is read by that right person at the right time.

The moment when you hope that secret message in your little blog is delievered to the designated person.

The moment when you hope that people who read about your life would offer the right word, or at most, react to it the way you wanted.


p.s. For the time being, I think my blog sucks to the max.

Start From Here. 慢慢来。迷宫一样的未来。

Dear Blog,

We can’t escape from the reality.

We can’t escape from the logic that defines what we are.

Homo Sapiens.

Human.

Human craves for attention.

Human do all kind of things just so that they will be paid attention.

Human loves to control.

Human loves to see so highly of themselves and look down on others.

Human tries to change others.

Human rejects everything and people who behave against their will.

Human flocks together.

Human tend to take for granted all important things

Human set their eyes on things not worthy to be kept

Human get defensive when people talk about their weakness

Human never appreciate goodness in others

Human make promises and forget about them.

Human tries to play God.

Human thinks that they are God.

Human’s one big sucker.

Maybe everything in the world is incredibly simple, only that

The complexity of human makes the world a mess,

And destroy the world in a way that now it is barely inhabitable.

Full of hatred.

Full of lies.

Full of broken promises.

Full of betrayal.

Full of disappointment.

Full of things that are not suppose to happen.

I would pray all day to God so that he would let me discover some goodness remaining in this place. And I pray that He would let me see that I am a human, too.

…

 

未来的一代怎么了？？

后现代的人们，更自私，更没有分寸，更没有礼貌，更没有美德。

看到这一切，我只能纳闷，无奈。

有些人甚至还没看到

有些人甚至知道了，一点行动都没有

有些人甚至知道了，了解了，明白了，

呼吁大家警醒了，

自己还是一个样。

无耻地高呼“改变”，自己的品德却无耻地难看。

我也只能住嘴。

反正我怎么呼，

怎么喊，

我还是被看成一个不敬的小孩。

我说的话，有没有这个分量？？

那么我的用心良苦，谁能从我的泪眼里察觉？？

我的关怀方式，是你无法察觉的悲哀。

我想我想说的是，

一个人眼中只有自己，

在外面再成功，再德高望重，

再多的丰功伟绩，

我也不会向你看齐。

我也长大了。

我也有了我的原则。

我也有了我的执着。

我也很耐心地站在一旁听着。

静静地听着。

静静地看着妳自我地咆哮。

静静地感受着周遭被你糟蹋的人们的感觉。

你可以很大声。

你可以很自大。

你可以很不可一世。

但是你却不会打动我心。

永远都不会。

你可以说我无耻。

你可以说我会被天打雷劈。

你可以说我目中无人。

但是我想我觉得，

我看到的是事实，

是一次又一次，

重复又重复的固执。

错了吗？？

用你的语言对你说了。

够白了吧？？

听得懂了吧？？

我要快乐

Mental Note

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy;
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men most richly blessed.