I dedicate this post to Me, Myself.
Joshua Wong Shii
A guy surviving the harsh reality of his 26 years life, embracing all the shits, giving all the fucks, and still turn out to be an Okay-Okay-guy.
Ummmm, if you dn know about it yet, yea its me. XD
I used to be this kid who's really self righteous and think that I am so very special in this world,
talk a little too much, sometimes annoy the hell out of people and still think what I did was entertaining them.
Yeap, I was the class clown kind of guy.
But honestly, deep down I was just a lonely child with the need for attention from people and for a while, feel special when I was paid some attention.
I was sad most of the time.
I belittled myself a lot, I thought of myself as a sucky kid, so what I did was praising myself all the time, saying that I am the best so I can somehow boost my already little self esteem.
It was a kinda sad kind of life.
But to be grateful, I have a circle of great friends, who cared for me more than I know till this day.
I lived an okay life, never worried for the next meal.
I am blessed with sufficient intellect to shine sometimes .
And I would say I am grateful that I had a shot at love at a young age of 17, which I failed miserably.
I could vaguely remember the guy that I used to be.
I guess in essence I have a heartful of good intentions but I dn know how to correctly act upon it.
and my own demons, and my own foul mouth, always ruined things for myself and people around me.
Maybe I am childish sometimes, and most(?) are annoyed by me.
I dont know why its like that, why when I mean the whole world of good intention but people would still stay away. Truly, I can tell you now for sure that I have no evil in me. Never selfish, always follow the crowd's opinion, a typical Mr-Yes, always make myself look stupid so everyone can have a laugh at me.
I was fucking miserable, to be honest.
and then I made it through this phase.
I grew up, I guess, by a little when I stepped into college life.
Having to learn to live on my own, plan my own time, without any control from family, free to plan my spending, do whatever that I want.
Yea, life starts to feel good.
I guess my second (failed) relationship taught me to be a better guy, somehow point to me how bitter I was in my heart. And also in my college life I got myself more friends that I can rely on till today.
and I was still trying to fit into the herd.
I wonder why isit such a hard task for me.
I surround myself with lotsa lotsa friends, spanning over a few social circles. Wide connection, but shallow relations.
I wonder if the problem was mine, that shifting around when I was little has something to do with me having a hard time to fit in.
so I am never really in the moment, I felt like a bystander and dn feel the intimacy in the circle, always thinking of the time will come when I will be in the middle of the circle.
I was fucking bitter sometimes.
I guess college killed the little child in me at some point.
Moving on to university life.
In/Accidentally I landed on a leadership role which require me to represent my batch from time to time.
I guess when you grow pass 20 you somehow grew up.
Its not immediate but rather a gradual process when I morphed into someone new.
I no longer feel the need to shine. I just want to stand aside and enjoy the whole view
I no longer feel the need to fit in, I am happy just to be myself and sometimes be selfish a little
I guess the society broke me.
I guess I became a living zombie, carrying on the same routine everyday, hoping the current phase will be gone and usher in the next phase.
I guess I became real evil at certain point, as in being selfish, calculative, self-preserving, always locking horns with someone and trying to prove myself not by being the clown, but by my own power.
And along the way I guess I found the balance.
Not to forget all the good times I have, and I found the love of my life, who taught me alot and literally play a part in changing me into a better person.
So I guess I am happy with who I am today.
Coming thus far, I can only say that you've done a freat job bracing through shits in life and trying to be a better you all the time :) you are already the better you you dreamt of when you were little. Happy Birthday, Joshua.
