Interlude

Somehow down the road, I started to become more and more fascinated in God's creation.

Okay, lets talk about stress.

There are only a few instances in life where I genuinely felt overwhelmingly stressed.

When I was 6 years old, I had difficulty pronouncing and differentiating some English words that have something to do with parks and gardens. And on the other end was my Dad, fierce and strict in teaching me.

11 years old, when I tried to memorize a booklet by heart for some exam but failed miserably at it. And I got no encouragement from everyone around.

17 years old, when I had to juggle between studies and multiple commitment. Then, I had to strike a balance between organizing camps, leading youths, and maintain my grades at the same time.

Stress is never fun to have. I will always remember the anxiety, how cold sweats drenched my clothes, how everything seems unreal, how sleepless nights feels like a battle where you have to entertain whatever shit your brain throws at you, and how I feel really helpless but have no choice but to take the trouble head on.

But somehow I adapted. I became stronger. There were bigger trouble that I see as little in my journey. and In my maturity, never would I thought I would be hit with stress again.

And it all started with me not having a job the same time as my batchmates, which is not suppose to happen.

People all talk about don't matter about the fucks and move on, but at the same time they run so eagerly forward and start the new phase in life on their own.

Heck yea, everyone is running forward like they are in a rat race. It is a rat race alright.

And here I am
still stuck in the past
bidding my time
willing but unable to move forward
while at the same time
there is a voice telling me that I am not working hard enough
that I should at least be as good as others
because there are a lot of good examples of successful ppl in life
and fuck you if you are not like them

So what if I am the loser
what if I cant do anything to my reality even when I want to?
What if I have a heart full of dedication but I cant make it?
Will it be enough?
Or is it not enough?

Fallacy

I didnt manage to get into the first batch of intake

If you asked me how is the day I knew I am going to be jobless for the next 3 months like, I can't find a good word for you, because I myself dn really remember how did the day go, except that it was dark, and dreadful, and I see lots of smiley faces but not mine.

I was sort of devastated.
I mean, what am I suppose to do for the next 3 months, while my friends around me started to work as a dentist, have a regular pay, on their way to build a future for themselves,
while I just sulk at a dark corner, choking back on my own salty tears?

I guess you can tell me that its not a big deal, that others had it worst than me. that another 3 months is nothing compare to those who had waited 1 year but still havent earn bread on their plates.

But I guess all that is not enough to justify the bitterness I felt in my gut, the blur in my eyes that cant place a sight on my future, and the nagging in my mind at night, that ate me up.

No one can deny the right to feel what the heart feels.

I had everything planned out, from starting to find a higher earning job in KL from Nov, then switch to a job closer to my working field one/two months before I actually start my job (tentatively in March), then actually get a job then start working as a dentist, getting my own place and start earning my living.

But shit just gotta mess up your life somehow.

I guess up until now I still blame my bad luck.
Like nothing ever goes well for me for the past months.

First, I didnt manage to go home in time due to work extension
Second, the regazzettement  of our college name (which ultimately lead to the delay of me getting my job.
Third, the downs I had in my job ( like seriously can I have a win in my life?)
Then, I got robbed of my phone, all my memories held dear are taken from me.

Come on, can it be any worse?

Hell yea, there you go, no job for you for the next 3 months, have fun and rot.

Some people asked me to retain my job as a Dental Surgery Assistant ( DSA ), while I am waiting.

But I can't do it.

I can't stomach the fact that I am stuck in a place while my friends had moved on, to the next screen.

I cant do it.

So I quit my part time job, and start to search for a meaning in my life, in the midst of waiting and rotting.

I guess I have my senior to thank for.

He asked me, "think about what you want to do the most, and do it. do it to your hearts content"

And it woke up something in my heart that will not die.

"To see the world, 

things dangerous to come to, 

to see behind walls, 

draw closer, 

to find each other, 

and to feel. 

That is the purpose of LIFE"

I guess I am a wanderluster to begin with,
and I am always fascinated with how the world looked like out there.

And sometimes I think I could capture the goodness of a place from my own perspective and share it with the world, so they can have a take of what my eyes see, and be fascinated themselves too.

I longed to see the world.
I want to go far and wide.

So I packed my bag, and I left.

no more reading from natgeo and wonder when can i visit those places

Yes, I started traveling solo, to see the world with me, myself and I.

Honestly at first I am quite fearful, of how big the world is that it might engulf me and drown me.

This is the first time I go to a foreign country on my own, with no list to do, not a name on my paper, just my feet bringing me wherever it felt like. 

I touched down on Melbourne with only one goal in mind: To forget about my reality.

               

"Sometimes I don't. 

If I like a moment, 

for me, personally,

 I don't like to have the distraction of the camera. 

I just want to stay in it"

Yeap as you all can see, its not all that scary, I made it back to tell you all my tale.

Well, I come back a better person, resigned to my fate and ready to see things in with a fresh eye.

I guess what I am trying to say is, in another 10 years when I look back, I would thank God for giving me this 3-month-break, and amazed by HIS almighty wisdom in setting my life course this way.

I continue to pray that to be true.