Dear Blog,
I named you redefinition because i thought somehow i can redefine, or determine who i really am during my daily journey with you. I hope to get a firm grasp of who am i, what kind of person i am, including things and stuffs that i like or dislike, and maybe not be blur about who am i suppose to be in the future. How long has it been?? A good long 2 years of redefinition?? I wonder have you ever got bored of me talking/shouting/crying/spilling over you, but anyways i thank you for being such a frank listener, always frank and silent, and allows me to express all my silent cries. Blog, really, i thank you.
So here comes the question, do i really know myself?? Honestly i don't know, infact, i don't even understand why at time i reacted to some particular incident and why am i so affected by certain happenings. Can i really show who i really am inside through this you as my mirror?? i seriously hope so, or at least just let me have a peek at who i am through a third-person-view, let alone an eagle's eye view. Why was it?? I think i'm at lost here.
I usually thinks about really weird, philosophical stuffs, allowing my right and greater right to conflict, or letting my wrong and greater wrong clashes. Things that never cross people's mind, things that are ugly, things that shows how ugly the world is, and also things that i never want to know. Am i too melancholic for thinking such stuffs?? i like to, cause it makes me understand people and the environment around me better, so that i can have a better look and will not just simply follow other people's lead, and travelled the road less taken. But why is all this makes me weird over time?? like something just altered my character, changed me and turned around, and made me someone with constant pain and burden?? How can i be happy when the world keeps on reveal to me something that breaks my heart??
You can see it right, i mean, you do see it right?? i used to be some jolly dude who have fun blogging about some random stuffs in his life and who wants to just share his happiness to the world. Now all these thoughts all these miserable comments on how people around act, what drew all these from my mind?? Is it the magical properties of long years?? Does age adds worries to people and suffocate them with more and more things to mourn over from day to day?? If this is the price to be paid for growing up, i rather choose to be Peter Pan, forever young and happy in my own Neverland.
Speaking of which, i think i know why Peter chose to stay on neverland instead of living in the world. It's because the world is a very cruel place to live in. When i was young big guys used to tell me " being a grown up is not an easy thing", "Being a children is the best", "Don't ever ever wish to grow up fast". Now i understand. Now i realize. And i realize that it really takes time to realize the truth that's being laid upon me since young.
So Aging is a process where people gets more complicated, where relationships is built on somthing fragile that's intangible, where people had to grow up or else they'll be left behind, and soon forgotten by people.
Now then, i'm curious, am i the one idiot that thinks that the world can be a better place when i take the initiative to treat other people good??Maybe I'm that fool who thinks that things can be simple and easy when i start to not-think-too-much. To its irony, when i treat people with pure friendliness and kindness, they start to doubt my sole purpose of being friend with them, and when i see things through a simple eye, i simply can't help to think of the darkside behind the moon.
And sometimes i'll got tired of becoming the mister nice guy, the good friend and the one who all people thought i am.
Do you know how hard it is to pretend not to mind when deep down in your heart, you mind??
Do you know how tormenting it is when you have to treat someone with neutral kindness while deep in your mind you can sense that he/she is hating and can't bear with you for another millisecond??
And do you know how hard it is to pretend to not to know something infront of people while deep in your heart you want to shout out with all you have??
Do you know how hard it is to deal with sadness that delved so deep in heart you can feel it rot within you can corrupt you bit by bit, cracking your sanity from second to second??
Do you know how hard to forget that all the world in world is against you??
DO YOU??
No i guess not, you're just a lifeless book, a stupid website invented by me, written by me, and tailored in a way that can only shows me on a superficial scale??
Yes you are.
What about me??
Take away the smart-ass humour. Who am I??
Take away my smar-ass intelligence. Who am I??
Take away all my music talents. Who am I??
Take away my mask. Who am I??
Take away my social status. Who am I??
Take away everything. Who I really am??
And by then, who is my friend??
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