Chapter 9 of 366

When was the last time I had a good sleep? Or rather, have a good nice time totally to myself?
32 days. I counted. and I expect to continue to be like this for another few weeks.
Can my body hold on? maybe. But I am not so sure about my mental health, or my soul. I am pretty sure they are breaking apart.

And in that case, this would be a journal of me spiralling into madness.

Being this nerve-wrecking hardworking, I thought I am making a pretty good progress in my life, to make myself more capable and able to possess status and items that can let me better control my life, or perhaps make people around me happy, give them what they want, that sort of things. But all I feel is losing control, or being controlled. I lost my freedom, I lost my me time, I lost myself. I am that sour face you saw in your senile old neighbour.

I thought I am progressing quite far in my life, but all I see are more successful people around me, and gosh they seem like they are just breezing through, full of support from family, have things the way they want. no competitions. no troubles. And being freaking successful at a young tender age,

Heck I want to be like that too.

But now I am so drained all I want to do when I reach home is just to sleep.

Yea you can judge me by saying I am not having enough discipline, but who are you to judge.

...

All I want in my life is to see people around me happy.

But however I pull myself apart at the seams, give my all, and sacrificed my health, mental health, general well being so I can be bettter in making people happy, there will always be people who are unhappy with me. Like I am some sort of disappointment.

Why cant people just hold me and tell me that I am enough.

Why cant they see me as a simple guy whos fighting his best battle in his daily life but never gives up?

There will always be people who judges me according to how I bend to their will.

So what if I decided that its better to not follow your suggestions?

So what if I thought better to follow your wills and whims?

So why are you unhappy cause I am not your cute puppet.

Some people dont need friends or families, all they need are dogs who will listen to them.

Before you judge me, I hope you can sincerely put yourself through my life.  Then after that perhaps we can sit down and have a drink, and talk about me. I am in dire need for a pair of fresh eyes on myself.

There's a saying.

Even God waited till the judgement day to judge all humanity, who are we to judge others so fast?




and damn, whats with that constant tickling/aching on my left chest.
I might die young.

Chapter 7 of 366

First things first.

I have been having the most challenging (yet) period of my life.

I have been working for the Nth day consecutively now, if not counting Christmas Day which is full of events which further drain me physically.

Yes, now I am posted in the in the Oral Surgery Department in HKL. People say its all fun and a great way to forge new friendships, do some networkings, expand your horizons. Its all true. 

BUT ITS HECKING TIRING.

Yea you can blame partly on me, because the stingy me is unwilling to drive to work because of the petrol and the tolls ( Blame the Sarawakian in Me). 

So I am walking to walk every day, which is a frigging 25 km of journey with train transit and approimately 20 mins of walk in between. I feel my muscles screaming in protest everytime I toiled on on this gruesome trial. But thats not the worst of it.

I Dont get a rest day. Let me elaborate.

I have other commitments on weekends ( Please forgive me for being vague )

So it sort of paints a picture how my life now is: Go to work before the sun rises, and come back after the sun sets. Every single day. It might be nothing if you only see I take it on day by day, but if you have it for 30 days on a stretch, how would you feel?

owh not to mention those annoying on calls. Imagine get called up at 12am and have to drag your stony body to work with a 25km drive. seriously those things can kill.

honestly I am completely drained as of now. Dragging through my routine like a zombie.

...

And I had the scare of my life recently.

It all started with me spraining my neck. You must be like heck yea, everyone get neck sprains, those kind where you cant tilt your head for weeks and it feels like someone chopping at your head everytime you try to sneeze.

Except this time it just wont go away, which is probably due to my intense workload and my hopeless working posture ( What a occupational hazard really ). And a thought crept to my mind, I could have neck cancer.

Let me give you some context to my actions. I am posted in Oral Surgery, and everyday I am shown with a variaties of oral and maxillofacial cancers that claim many lives in just merely months after diagnosis. Yes, true stories. Imagine having a bad cough and you go to see a doctor. BOOM, congrats you have stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma of lung with brain metastases (True Story), you have no chance of curing and we can only make you feel better while you slowly pass. The thought of befallen with the same ill fate is just scary.

And to make matters even worse, I thought I feel a swelling developing on my neck on the left side.

So I have some time to come to terms with my possible worst-case-scenario.

What if I really got some aggresive form of cancer and are left with months to live?

What should I do with my family. How do I say goodbye to my loved ones. And in what manner do I want to leave this world?

These questions are just what I think through the weekend, in the midst of my hectic life, as I can only show my suspicion to my Specialist at oral surgery on Mon.

Seriously, who would have to think about all these at the tender age of 27. I guess only the real pathetic ones do.

So I managed to show my specialist my neck and Lo and Behold.

Everything is fine, the specialist spot nothing.

two thoughts come to my mind spontaneously:

1. Heck yea I dn have cancer

2. Ah time to blame it all back to my strenous lifestyle now.

3. Ah time to put up with human's bullshit for a few more years.

Yea, I am a joke. You can Laugh at  me.

...

To put things in a more serious tone.

What if I really have cancer. I mean, its not like I am immune to cancer, or death, as a matter of fact.

Am I ready to put all my affairs in order, and wait to pass?

are you?

The older I grow, the more I think humans are really fragile.