Chapter 9 of 366

When was the last time I had a good sleep? Or rather, have a good nice time totally to myself?
32 days. I counted. and I expect to continue to be like this for another few weeks.
Can my body hold on? maybe. But I am not so sure about my mental health, or my soul. I am pretty sure they are breaking apart.

And in that case, this would be a journal of me spiralling into madness.

Being this nerve-wrecking hardworking, I thought I am making a pretty good progress in my life, to make myself more capable and able to possess status and items that can let me better control my life, or perhaps make people around me happy, give them what they want, that sort of things. But all I feel is losing control, or being controlled. I lost my freedom, I lost my me time, I lost myself. I am that sour face you saw in your senile old neighbour.

I thought I am progressing quite far in my life, but all I see are more successful people around me, and gosh they seem like they are just breezing through, full of support from family, have things the way they want. no competitions. no troubles. And being freaking successful at a young tender age,

Heck I want to be like that too.

But now I am so drained all I want to do when I reach home is just to sleep.

Yea you can judge me by saying I am not having enough discipline, but who are you to judge.

...

All I want in my life is to see people around me happy.

But however I pull myself apart at the seams, give my all, and sacrificed my health, mental health, general well being so I can be bettter in making people happy, there will always be people who are unhappy with me. Like I am some sort of disappointment.

Why cant people just hold me and tell me that I am enough.

Why cant they see me as a simple guy whos fighting his best battle in his daily life but never gives up?

There will always be people who judges me according to how I bend to their will.

So what if I decided that its better to not follow your suggestions?

So what if I thought better to follow your wills and whims?

So why are you unhappy cause I am not your cute puppet.

Some people dont need friends or families, all they need are dogs who will listen to them.

Before you judge me, I hope you can sincerely put yourself through my life.  Then after that perhaps we can sit down and have a drink, and talk about me. I am in dire need for a pair of fresh eyes on myself.

There's a saying.

Even God waited till the judgement day to judge all humanity, who are we to judge others so fast?




and damn, whats with that constant tickling/aching on my left chest.
I might die young.