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Life has been difficult.
Just because I am suffering now doesn't mean the us in the past had it better.
We are at our both highest and lowest at any given point of life.
Maybe what I am saying sounds too gibberish, let me try to make it clear.
You might be at a party, and you feels good, but you can't shake that feeling of loneliness that is eating you away inside.
You might be doing a good job, earning a steady income, but your body and mental health is suffering silently
You might be having moments of zen, but little did you know you are too at ease to continue to survive in this hard and cruel world.
It seems life is slowly crawling back on tracks after the whole COVID-19 arc ( Not saying that its over tho, cause second wave can always be around the corner ). Found some side hustle to work on, and at the same time working steadily towards this commitment that I am having. Life's been pretty mundane and uneventful actuallly, in a good way.
Yes, actually I am planning for a wedding coming in a year time. (Yes that will be a story for another time, hopefully, given the chance)
...
Couple of weeks ago I am still a naive young adult enjoy my high life.
I havent worried for my financial status, thinking that my pay is able to support the lifestyle I am living.
COVID-19 taught me otherwise, that all these while I am taking up more commitments but unable to sustain my source of steady income.
All these while I had been draining my savings without me realizing it.
Oopsie. What a bummer.
Havent I been poor before? Yea sure.
I had worked 10 hours per day, 6/7 days per week, at rm400++ per month in some convenience store.
I had worked at some restaurant and have to consume (clean) customer leftovers to satiate my hunger (shamefully admiting now, but it doesnt feels stupid at all at that moment)
I had to serve my friends family on a Christmas Eve, watching them enjoying family while I continue to work for a measly rm3.1 per hour.
I had worked as flyer boy, getting turn down for a million times and spatted on.
I had worked through the morning, 11pm to 4am, as hard labour to set some mall up for new year event.
Yea those are some of those times when I truly feel poor and desperate for cash to make my life better.
Now I am gonna add another moment in my life when I feel truly vulnerable without some cash in my pocket:
I am 27. Working as dentist. But I am left with scraps to survive after paying for all my commitments. I have to calculate expenditure for every meal and thinking of which meal to skip ( Thank God for my small appetite). I cant afford to buy health insurance. I dont have that rainy day savings to get me through should anything happened to my stream of income. I can't buy things that actually make me happy. I can't buy things that can make others happy. Lastly, I have to ask my dad if I can delay the monthly stipend that I promise to give him, just so i can survive.
Ahh maaan, sure feels sucky right now.
but most of it is due to my oversight. I could have seen it coming earlier, I could have prepared for it earlier.
But, I thank God for teaching me this small lesson. It simply means I have to reflect on how I lead my lifestyle, and live way below my means, just for a few more years at least. Soon I will be fine.
I truly hope this will somehow be a lesson for me to be humble when I achieved great heights in the future.
...
We can certainly try to control our future but we will only end up failing miserably.
There's too much uncertainty in this world, we can't plan ahead enough to prevent being fucked by unforeseenable debacle, or tragedy.
I have been realizing more and more that we need an almighty guiding hand that will pull us through every ordeal, or simply a hope that everything is in God's plan and it will be alright eventually.
We need to give up control and let God take the wheel.
Surrender.
Help me Oh Lord, keep me and get me through.
Because honestly I am tired, and I don't think I can do it alone.
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