Combating life

 

Hi there guys, it's me again, after a long long hiatus like God knows how long is it. 2 years ? Maybe nobody's here anymore.

So, hi to nothing.

I am depressed. 

Yes ladies and gentlemen, your boy here is depressed.

Look mom and dad, your child is depressed.

I am depressed to a point that suicide seems like an option now, honestly. Frankly, the only thing that's been keeping me from jumping from the 15th floor now is that rational mind that I still have. If I lose my mind I would have done it without a second thought. Like, what is there to love about this world ?

Suicide story, they exist.

And here's one.

I reached out and try to search for help. When people around me can't hear my screaming for help, I had to turn my attention to the internet. I used to have a lot of friends, friends who can take all my emotions in and actually make me feel like my opinions matter. But they are gone now. I can't find anyone to talk to. I started browsing my contacts from A to Z. Nada. Seriously, isit so hard to find someone who's willing to listen now ? Most friends are now just those who you trade birthday wishes with. And colleagues, you knew in your heart they can only be someone whom you see everyday, but each have their own reservation so you guys will never reach that level of understanding/bond.

Alright back to internet.

I started searching for help online, and found this friendly little website named "befrienders". Now I am so very sorry to laugh at something noble like this but they are actually good for next to nothing. I have tried to make calls every now and then but I have never got it connected. Befrienders. Those who really had intention to kill themselves, who put all determination in this last ditch effort to save themselves, they are so gonna get disappointed. Sorry to say that. I tried writing to them instead, I got replies after like 2 weeks ? And got some generic empathy-mixed-with-encouragement which feels more like pre-drafted replies for different cases. I feel bad for them because of the reality in this world, you need money to keep things running. And for things as noble and non-profiting as this, you need money to hire call operators, and ppl who actually care enough to work their ass off with pure intention (which virtually doesn't exist in this capital). Money runs the world. And money dont care that I am not happy with how the world runs.

Searching "Malaysia depression help"  brings me to some other sites which actually offers some sort of psychological therapy for a fee. Okay first things first. I have to answer a 10-question questionaire to access what kind of problem I have, what religion I align to, and whether I am straight bi or gay. I wonder how many suicidals can actually wade through that. Then next it says they charge USD65 per week for the therapy. The cheapskate in me killed the tab and concluded that quite literally my wallet is stopping me from getting help. So poor people are less worth it to save now. Sadly, it is.

So here we are.

With no idea how did I come to this, scared of where I will go, and what should I do now, I am latching on to the fact that things will get better in due time, but suffering in the mean time. Is this hell ?

Sometimes I wonder and secretly hope that all this is because I am an attention seeker, that I use this as something catch people's attention. But I don't know. I hope it's true.

...

I am never a leader material.

I constantly need someone to guide me, spur me on, and cherish me as I continue on my journey of life. I am grateful for a few whom I have met in my life, moulding me to the person I am today.

But now I feel so alone. Like I don't have anyone that I can connect with.  I guess everyone have their worries and they are fighting their own battles too. 

You could say everyone is living in the same environment and they are doing fine. Well, maybe I am the weak one, and I should be eliminated, because of the nature of selection. Survival of the fittest. Maybe I am born to be flawed and meant to be discarded, in due time.

I desperately need someone to cheer for me as I continue to live. But I try to look around, I found out I am alone. 

I feel like a broken toy that no one would play with cause whoever dabbles with me, I will cut them.

...

And I am done with putting in effort all on my own.

I am done with always making the first move and keep giving until I am empty.

And I am done with begging people to treat me better, cause they won't.