Pause

Cute eh. This used to be me, when I was still little

I think I've missed the last pit stop in my life.
from here on out, I can only move forward, and only forward.
And everywhere I look, everything is moving, not hitting a pause.

and slowly I am spinning out of control.

...

I used to want to be an engineer.

Why?

Because my dad is one.

I guess every boy wants to be like their father. And there I was, putting on my dad's helmet, safe shade glass, and safety boots. I guess they all kinda smell funny, but little did I realize bad then. All I knew was that I am gonna be an engineer, and at least as good as my daddy.

Then I grow up to wanting to be a pastor. I was a teenager back then, who havent begin to step into the adult world. What is the meaning of money, and what is the meaning of status and social standings to our life, I know not. Being a devout Christian (rather zealous one, too), I thought it was so easy to give up on a life of chasing a better living and become a humble servant of the Lord. Heck, I thought it was easy and how wrong I was.

And soon after I started to aspire to become a psychologist.

As one who is always curious of human behaviour and how human mind works,  I was really eager to get to the bottom of human nature and give some explaination as to why people around me act in their way. 

But guess where did I end up?

Yea, GodDamn Dentistry.

Never thought I will end up being a dentist

...

Work was fine so far

With love, 

Joshua

Live Life. Love Life. Embrace Life.

ACT I

Many many years ago, when I was still a puny kid trying to find my place in the Red Crescent Youth Unit, a leader used to tell me that I need to learn to be more sincere. Actually I blogged about it before in this very same blog. If you had read about this before then I must say you are the no.1 fan for http://stupiakboy.blogspot.com, meet up and I will treat you to a good meal. =)

Yea, so back to the story.

I was told to learn to be sincere. What is sincerity, i wondered; and what does it take for someone to be be sincere?

Isit in the way we talk?
or isit in the way we walk?

Being a clown-ass guy back then, all I knew was to make jokes and try to make others laugh by making a fool out of myself. That was how I try to show how I care for people, by making them laugh, which turn out to be annoying, in their eyes.

No one taught me how to be a sincere person, and they measured sincerity with a ruler and scale that I don't understand back then. Is sincerity measurable, quantifiable, by acts of a certain kind?

And why trying to make people whom we care about laugh is not considered a sincere gesture?

Maybe its just not an "adult" thing to do.

I dont blame anyone, now that I've looked back. I am who I am today because of this miserable teenage years.

...

ACT II

Many things happened along the way.

I broke up twice.

Lost a couple of friends, both figuratively and literally.

One thing that I realize is that, to show that you care, trying to make them laugh is never enough.

You want to make some friends by making them laugh? SCREW YOU.

You want to care for someone by making some funny jokes? FUCK YOU YOU ARE ANNOYING

You want to be a funny guy that everyone loves? GO TO HELL DONT YOU KNOW YOU ARE ANNOYING ENOUGH?

But there I was, confused, tired and drained, wondering why no matter how hard I try, people turn away from me. What is it that they are looking for? Am I not the one that they want? Am I not the friend/partner choice? Am I really that bad?

No one told me to be sincere, you need to act a certain pre-scripted way in a SOP-ish manner.

Not what you feel from your heart, and what you want to do from your heart.

Come the fuck on man, I am just a kid who wants, who loves to make people laugh.

maybe people wont get it, or maybe I am just that weird with my own Modus Operandi.

Those people killed me, and I never try to make anyone laugh anymore.

I lost my way. I stumbled around, hating everyone. Trying to love myself more. Putting myself first. Honestly, it was all a blur. I cant remember clearly what happened in those days; or maybe my mind never want to try to remember. Because I was that awful, at least in my own eyes.

...

ACT III

Then I learnt,

To be sincere, you have to make the person feel important. You have to go out of your way, sacrifice everything and lay yourself down for the person so he/she would know, that they are on the top of the world.

...

ACT VI

One day she told me, I am the most sincere person she knew. That I would always give my best to give the best to people I care about.

I dont know how true is that, but at least someone noticed.

Well, I am not saying being sincere is a bad thing, that making someone feel loved and treasured is a wrong act to commit.

But is sincerity a made-up construct, defined by a certain set of rules and bounds? 

Does hearts and intentions weigh in then? Is the heart and good intentions important then.

Are we sincere, as long as we mechanically replicate what others do, as seem fit by the society and accepted in the norm?

Are we just machines programmed to love only in a way we are allowed to? 

...

ACT V

I appealed to the boy who loves to make people laugh, as he lay rest in the tomb of fading memories.

I told him, "Its just how the world is, Its how it works. People accepts the love in a form they think they deserve, other than those, are trash"

The boy smiled, and said nothing.  But something in his smile, tells me he meant well, with the good intention of the whole big world.

Rest In Peace. I will remember you, boy.

Adulting

Imagine, if in this world, before you get to meet someone, you are given the choice to see him/her at their most hideous side, no touchups, no beautification, just raw, honest worse self. The price to pay is it applies to you too, anyone who get to meet you are shown you at your most ugly self.

What would the world be like?

Will it be a better world, or will it go to hell?

And if given the choice, would you choose to see a person at their ugliest? And how would you feel, when you are to show your worst self before others get to know you?

The problem with us is that, we are so preoccupied with chasing an ideal version of us, that we are soon fooled by ourselves and believed that we can be perfect. And we chose to believe in the best version ourselves, while sweeping all our weaknesses and poisons under the carpet, and hide our unacceptable qualities in the closet like a skeleton.

What did we achieved by doing so?

We created a seemingly perfect society/world which rots with defiant human nature deep down, like a whitewashed wall.

Do you like the world as it is right now?

Or you feel everyone deserve a little bit more honesty. No pretense. No faking any traits or personalities. Just showing who we truly are?

We humans are ugly.

...

Came across the word "Adulting" a lot these days

Yeap, I guess I can finally call myself an adult today.

I am going to start to work a job, a huge milestone in my life, in adulting.

What does adulting mean tho?

I dont know. I guess I can share more on it in time.

To be honest, this day that I waited for so long for, I am feeling rather out of place when I finally come to it. I dont feel good about it. What should I do, What I need to do, I know not. I only know I have to keep surviving.

I guess its just how being in a rat race feels.

...

Everyone deserves to feel what they felt.

Its not right to judge someone for the emotions that they are having.

Its their battle, 

Its their journey, 

Its their calling,

not ours.

But,

If you decide to lash out to others because of what you feel,

and you justify it by saying its your way of dealing with emotions,

I cant stand by you on your line.

Because when you take your issues and insecurities on someone else,

you are making your problem into others problem.

And that is a line, in my opinion, you shouldnt cross.