I realized I always want to pour my heart out here, but too many things and external factors held me back, despite my very strong inner yearning.
This place used to be my sanctum of solitude. But look at me now, not doing things that I love, and doing things that I like not. Now the keyboard feels so strange, and the clanking sound of the keys sounds like a distant echo from the past.
Happy meh New Year everyone out there. If you are here, I wish for you a coming year full of blessings, health and happiness. I guess by the time you are as old as me, you would realize these 3 are the most important wealth that you can own in this world.
...
Truly coming back here had provided me with some solace that I cant seem to find anywhere else.
If there's a God, I hope he reads this because I haven't been praying lately.
I feel better already as I have written this far.
This is as close to therapy as I can get, and getting it, make me feel like I can finally unburden my heavy laden load and take off my mask, and cry.
...
I don't know how to carry on with my life.
Everyday feels more like taking a toll on me. Yes, I might be oessimistic at times, but who has the right to invalidate what I feel in the present moment?
There are days when I feel so lonely, even if there are people surrounding me. And there will be times when happy things in life doesn't seem to excite me anymore. I believe there's a name for all these signs combined, it's called depression. =)
Recently I've come to terms with the fact that I am suffering from some form of PTSD. Who knew I could be one to suffer from a traumatic childhood? I don't think anyone knows. Now who would understand what I go through at nights where I cant go to sleep, imagining sounds of war in my head, when everything is quiet around me? I want to escape this nightmare, to not hear things, but reality is so unforgiving, I thought I've loose it, but little do I know its merely a delusion created by devil itself, luring me into another sleepless night?
It's not easy being me. I guess I don't even know how to help myself.
...
Yes our world is plague with COVID still. Just as we can see improvement in the daily cases, there will be another country leader do something too stupid to fathom and screw the country over. Now BAM, we had 5000+ cases daily. To put things into perspective, just half a year ago we have only 2 digits of daily cases. What makes things worst is that these holier-than-thou, "religious", racist leaders still got paid their full salary for doing nothing.
Seriously What The Fuck yo.
Enough about the ministers, the citizens are another kind of work-of-art.
Flouting SOPs, ape-like gesture of scanning temperature with their palm, wearing mask with their noses out in the open, wearing latex gloves but touching everything in their path. I go speechless everytime I see such behaviours.
and funny enough, they would cry and cry for the Gov to lockdown the whole country (which turn out to be non-existent), but when the gov really locked down (but doenst seem so), people get busy with roaming the malls, shopping for CNY stuffs, taking pictures at the Pavillion.
Tell me what's wrong with you people. Its as though no one wants the world to recover from the ravages of COVID.
losing faith in humanity.
...
What could go wrong
When all I did is just articulating what I think?
I couldn't be more wrong
Because what I feel and think is just simply invalid
Because I am just an emotionless robot.
And I have to act like traversing through a minefield
Does that simply means my thoughts doesnt matter?
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