You either die a hero or you lived long enough to become the villain

Its just really tiring to live sometimes you know.

The constant judgement from everyone around you.

Trying to be your best self but people just keeps beat you down.

Trying to rise again but they beat you and ask you to stay down.

Now I really know why the bible says we live in a world of sin.

...

There are those times when unfortunately, people starts to have a unrealistic, perfect impression of you.

Yea, you heard me right, it is unfortunate when people think of you as a really nice person.

True, it might help you boost your relationship with that particular person, or land you a couple of goodies from time to time. sure.

But honestly, do you think you can keep up the image and be the perfect person that is not really you?

You can for sure try, but ultimately you will fail.

And what awaits then? Crashing, crumbling down of your image. 

That person can no longer recognize you as who they think you are in their mind, because they really dn know you in the first place.

So what does that left you with?

Probably a new enemy,  or a person who's really afraid of you.

Its really unfair sometimes when people cant see the real you before they form an impression of you.

Its not fair when they think highly of you when its not realistic

And its not wise when you try to act better than you really are.

Which brings us back to my previous post about when someone first met you, they should get an info card, or a presentation about who you really are. Then they can choose to piss off or start a relation with you, embracing who you really are.

Anyways, I am not getting anywhere by saying all these. We are in fact, the very creature that we are criticizing. 

...

Humans by nature are judgmental creatures.

They look at all the good you have done, and cant see it, or thinks it is expected of you.

One mistakes and BOOM, they will rain judgement on you.

What about all those goods you have done before this? They turn out to be insignificant in the eyes of those who had already nailed you to the cross.

God waited patiently for the end of world to judge us, who are we to judge so soon?

Its good sometimes to have someone who really knows you to your core.

Someone who knew about your weakness, who can see your strength and celebrate it

Who knows the reason for all your actions, and the way you do things, the way you think, and see everything that you do as normal.

and understands you

But I am a freak, I am a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here, I dont belong here.

The thirst for being understood is all too real now.

I am sorry to disappoint. I really do.

...

They say you either die a hero, or you lived long enough to be the villain.

I guess here comes the Darkening story Arc of my life eh.

Lets see.

Oh How the Mighty Had fall

We always think that we are some invincible being standing in the centre of all existing entity.
We feel strong.
We feel powerful.
We often feel nothing can hurt us, right then, right there.

But is it true?

Little did we know we are just a step away from our fall.


Yes, recently I guess we all came across news of untimely death of many people, which kind of make me wonder, how far is our delusion that we are untouchable on this world.

Yes you can blame on our lifestyles, that we are consuming more carcinogenic food, that we need to handle more stress, that there are more accidents around waiting to befallen us. But put that all aside, i guess we all have to face the truth, that we humans are just fragile.

We are like a gale, quickly fading in the wind.
Like an ember, swaying and struggling to stay alive
Like the final slit of daylight, not knowing when then next moment will consume us with total darkness.

We are weak.
The next moment I can die right here and now infront of my unpublished blogpost, succumbing to some heart failure unbeknownst to me.

life is unpredictable.
We all feel healthy until the doctor announced that we have stage 4 brain cancer.


Yea, you all get my point.
If all these can't bring the dawn of realization upon you, I am grateful to God that He spared you from all these worries, and I will pray that you have a good life.

Right now I just want to appreciate everything around me.
And try to enjoy and stay in the moment, which rarely comes by now.

...

I realized a sad truth about living in adulthood only recently.

That we should be too careful when treading among the adults.

Abide by the rules,

Follow the crowd,

Say Yes,

Do what others do,

Don't appear to be too special,

By any chance you slipped, you will simply open the door for all kinds of judgement and gossiping against you. 

Which is kinda scary, mind you.

I have had my fill of being discussed (behind my back) for acting a little bit out of the ordinary, and it makes you wonder what had changed when we all grew up.

Can you agree with me that humans are ugly and evil?

...

Does anyone still read blogposts these days, or is it just me.

Honestly?

I will start this word post with a recount of what happened in my previous hectic week.
Okay, I kind of forgot most of it already, because my memory is already sucking to the max.

Basically it all started when my car ( Yes, I got a car now) got showered by bird poop when I unknowingly parked it under a huge tree. Yes, I never really owned a car before so I wont know of these kind of taboos. Then comes those nights when I cant come home early to enjoy my alone time. When I become so mentally and emotionally drained trouble in work starts to hit me, one after another. My life can't be anymore worse.

As you can imagine, these are all just trivial matters, and from a bystander's eye, I might look like a spoiled brat who cried and howl over some lost toys. But who are people to judge unless if they are the one going through it? I maybe admitting to weakness in my resolve but truth be told, I really suffered a lot from last week.

Its like what joker said, All it takes one is one bad day to reduce the sanest person alive to lunacy.

One. Bad. Day.

But I've pulled through, life is kinda good. But somehow life is being a gatling gun loaded with lemons, sending challenges unceasingly, like battering ram rages on against my fragile sanity/emotional state. I guess that could only mean 2 things, 1. life is being exceedingly difficult  or 2. I am getting too comfortable and complained more these days.

...

One of my seniors once told me there will be a day when I burnt out. Not physically, and its not even about mental exhaustion. Its the kind of burn out where you lose your compass in your life. What is the point of working/living? What is the point of leading such busy life? What is the point for fighting so hard? and where is the end point of that? And what are we getting at the end?

I know there's an obvious answer to that but once going through that I know the struggle is very real.

The way I see it. The night is long and bleak.

I once told him, find meaning in little things. Time with your loved ones, genuine smiles, chill times, moments in life that will become memories. 

Now I know its easier said than done.

...

Back to HUMANS.

HUMANS are nasty.

Theres a lot I want to say but I guess I cant quite find the words 

I guess my time for me here is done.

Will talk more about humans soon.

Sucks to be me

I am always fond of vanilla ice-creams.
Maybe it's because when I was little, my parents used to bring me to this nice little buffet restaurant in the city.
It's my first ever buffet dinner, mind you.

Surprisingly, all the foods, hot dog rolls ( having hot dog rolls can kinda tell you this isn't any luxurious buffet dinner), fried food, the chicken really made my day. And oh gosh the ice-cream, I wont ever ever forget its taste ever since.

And now, I am constantly on the search for the familiar, unforgettable vanilla ice-cream flavour anywhere. And on rare occasions when I found it, it will be a blissful treat, and somehow my mind will always bring me back to that day, when the little boy enjoyed his buffet ice-cream, when life was good.

And we humans are all the same, we will all do whatever it takes to feel good, to bring us back to the day when we felt good.

...

Is it okay, when we hurt someone, we justify it by saying because others hurt us too?

Is it alright to hurt if that person hurted us, in a manner it became a justly executed retaliation;

or isit just plain wrong??

How would you defend yourself?

And is it right?

...

My life took a turn.

Used to be restless and relaxing life now becoming tiring, I am barely holding my eyes open now, and gosh its only 11.47 pm.

I will try my best, to fight for a better tomorrow.

God, I need strength.

Diary Entry 7/9/2019

Honestly I've got a lot to say,  a lot to recount.

But life finds a way to separate me from this sanctuary of mine.

So, Dear Diary,

Work is fine. Challenging but fine.

There are days when I just breeze through all the work and walk away like a true victor.

And there are days when I blamed myself more than anyone could for unable to solve my patient's problem.

She say, I am kinda weird for I love my job and I really enjoyed working. But, just I wait, soon I will be as lazy and resentful as all the others out there.

I sincerely hope that is not true. I hope my little candle of passion can light up the darkness.

...

Life can be tough

But what is tougher is dealing with people.

I've witness first hand, of people who can smile and talk to you, but backstab you when you are not around.

And for what did I deserve such treatment? Because I am trying to do my job.

Yeap, you get hated for doing your job.

In what world would you be appreciated for trying to improve yourself from day to day?? Not this earth I realized.

I feel really uneasy. Suffocating even, to dwell in this place I thought I can call my second home.

I was again wrong, so hopelessly.

No doubt there are good ones, in humanity's defense.

But for humanity sake I hope those are true, are really, and will remain true.

and with that I will be grateful.

If I die Young

If I die Young

Let everyone take whatever they want from me,
It will be free
I want to give away my organs
I want everyone to know that I've tried my best to be the best a person can be

I want a tombstone that says,

Here lies the guy who lived a good life,
Blessed with all the goods in the world,
But lost his faith in humanity.

Life's tough
But the place that I will go, I will be enough.

Weakness

Do you have that feeling when you have been doing something for a very long time and one day it snapped.

You cant find anymore meaning in doing the same thing again and again.

Whats the purpose of making the same choice to continue, to fight on anyways?

...

Perhaps its mistake to show your weakness.

I thought at first, that having weakness is a proof that you are a human

But no one, absolutely no one can handle you at your darkest, wildest rebellious self, at least not unconditionally.

and worst are those who rub salt on your wound when you open up to you.

And I was deeply humiliated, that I believed in humanity. That you of all people can provide a comfort or some sorts to my daylight nightmare. I've made a mistake, and I deeply disappointed in myself

And I vow to never make the same mistake again.

...

Such incoherent writing, right?

Just goes to show what a mess I am in right now.

Looking forward to better days.

Pause

Cute eh. This used to be me, when I was still little

I think I've missed the last pit stop in my life.
from here on out, I can only move forward, and only forward.
And everywhere I look, everything is moving, not hitting a pause.

and slowly I am spinning out of control.

...

I used to want to be an engineer.

Why?

Because my dad is one.

I guess every boy wants to be like their father. And there I was, putting on my dad's helmet, safe shade glass, and safety boots. I guess they all kinda smell funny, but little did I realize bad then. All I knew was that I am gonna be an engineer, and at least as good as my daddy.

Then I grow up to wanting to be a pastor. I was a teenager back then, who havent begin to step into the adult world. What is the meaning of money, and what is the meaning of status and social standings to our life, I know not. Being a devout Christian (rather zealous one, too), I thought it was so easy to give up on a life of chasing a better living and become a humble servant of the Lord. Heck, I thought it was easy and how wrong I was.

And soon after I started to aspire to become a psychologist.

As one who is always curious of human behaviour and how human mind works,  I was really eager to get to the bottom of human nature and give some explaination as to why people around me act in their way. 

But guess where did I end up?

Yea, GodDamn Dentistry.

Never thought I will end up being a dentist

...

Work was fine so far

With love, 

Joshua

Live Life. Love Life. Embrace Life.

ACT I

Many many years ago, when I was still a puny kid trying to find my place in the Red Crescent Youth Unit, a leader used to tell me that I need to learn to be more sincere. Actually I blogged about it before in this very same blog. If you had read about this before then I must say you are the no.1 fan for http://stupiakboy.blogspot.com, meet up and I will treat you to a good meal. =)

Yea, so back to the story.

I was told to learn to be sincere. What is sincerity, i wondered; and what does it take for someone to be be sincere?

Isit in the way we talk?
or isit in the way we walk?

Being a clown-ass guy back then, all I knew was to make jokes and try to make others laugh by making a fool out of myself. That was how I try to show how I care for people, by making them laugh, which turn out to be annoying, in their eyes.

No one taught me how to be a sincere person, and they measured sincerity with a ruler and scale that I don't understand back then. Is sincerity measurable, quantifiable, by acts of a certain kind?

And why trying to make people whom we care about laugh is not considered a sincere gesture?

Maybe its just not an "adult" thing to do.

I dont blame anyone, now that I've looked back. I am who I am today because of this miserable teenage years.

...

ACT II

Many things happened along the way.

I broke up twice.

Lost a couple of friends, both figuratively and literally.

One thing that I realize is that, to show that you care, trying to make them laugh is never enough.

You want to make some friends by making them laugh? SCREW YOU.

You want to care for someone by making some funny jokes? FUCK YOU YOU ARE ANNOYING

You want to be a funny guy that everyone loves? GO TO HELL DONT YOU KNOW YOU ARE ANNOYING ENOUGH?

But there I was, confused, tired and drained, wondering why no matter how hard I try, people turn away from me. What is it that they are looking for? Am I not the one that they want? Am I not the friend/partner choice? Am I really that bad?

No one told me to be sincere, you need to act a certain pre-scripted way in a SOP-ish manner.

Not what you feel from your heart, and what you want to do from your heart.

Come the fuck on man, I am just a kid who wants, who loves to make people laugh.

maybe people wont get it, or maybe I am just that weird with my own Modus Operandi.

Those people killed me, and I never try to make anyone laugh anymore.

I lost my way. I stumbled around, hating everyone. Trying to love myself more. Putting myself first. Honestly, it was all a blur. I cant remember clearly what happened in those days; or maybe my mind never want to try to remember. Because I was that awful, at least in my own eyes.

...

ACT III

Then I learnt,

To be sincere, you have to make the person feel important. You have to go out of your way, sacrifice everything and lay yourself down for the person so he/she would know, that they are on the top of the world.

...

ACT VI

One day she told me, I am the most sincere person she knew. That I would always give my best to give the best to people I care about.

I dont know how true is that, but at least someone noticed.

Well, I am not saying being sincere is a bad thing, that making someone feel loved and treasured is a wrong act to commit.

But is sincerity a made-up construct, defined by a certain set of rules and bounds? 

Does hearts and intentions weigh in then? Is the heart and good intentions important then.

Are we sincere, as long as we mechanically replicate what others do, as seem fit by the society and accepted in the norm?

Are we just machines programmed to love only in a way we are allowed to? 

...

ACT V

I appealed to the boy who loves to make people laugh, as he lay rest in the tomb of fading memories.

I told him, "Its just how the world is, Its how it works. People accepts the love in a form they think they deserve, other than those, are trash"

The boy smiled, and said nothing.  But something in his smile, tells me he meant well, with the good intention of the whole big world.

Rest In Peace. I will remember you, boy.

Adulting

Imagine, if in this world, before you get to meet someone, you are given the choice to see him/her at their most hideous side, no touchups, no beautification, just raw, honest worse self. The price to pay is it applies to you too, anyone who get to meet you are shown you at your most ugly self.

What would the world be like?

Will it be a better world, or will it go to hell?

And if given the choice, would you choose to see a person at their ugliest? And how would you feel, when you are to show your worst self before others get to know you?

The problem with us is that, we are so preoccupied with chasing an ideal version of us, that we are soon fooled by ourselves and believed that we can be perfect. And we chose to believe in the best version ourselves, while sweeping all our weaknesses and poisons under the carpet, and hide our unacceptable qualities in the closet like a skeleton.

What did we achieved by doing so?

We created a seemingly perfect society/world which rots with defiant human nature deep down, like a whitewashed wall.

Do you like the world as it is right now?

Or you feel everyone deserve a little bit more honesty. No pretense. No faking any traits or personalities. Just showing who we truly are?

We humans are ugly.

...

Came across the word "Adulting" a lot these days

Yeap, I guess I can finally call myself an adult today.

I am going to start to work a job, a huge milestone in my life, in adulting.

What does adulting mean tho?

I dont know. I guess I can share more on it in time.

To be honest, this day that I waited for so long for, I am feeling rather out of place when I finally come to it. I dont feel good about it. What should I do, What I need to do, I know not. I only know I have to keep surviving.

I guess its just how being in a rat race feels.

...

Everyone deserves to feel what they felt.

Its not right to judge someone for the emotions that they are having.

Its their battle, 

Its their journey, 

Its their calling,

not ours.

But,

If you decide to lash out to others because of what you feel,

and you justify it by saying its your way of dealing with emotions,

I cant stand by you on your line.

Because when you take your issues and insecurities on someone else,

you are making your problem into others problem.

And that is a line, in my opinion, you shouldnt cross.

Freed

I had take the first step out to make my life a better one.

There is only so much that i can take.

26 years of suffering and torture. and to think that all these while I thought it is normal and everyone has the same problem.

I've been reading on how to cut off toxic people in our life.

And I realize for this one I have to do what is best for me.

To cut off with toxic people in your life means you stop letting the toxic person to have power over your life, and emotions

To cut off with toxic people in your life means you stop thinking for the good of the person and focus more on your own.

To cut off with toxic people in your life means you are choosing yourself over disrespecting yourself.

There are people who demand your concern but they don't actually need it.

There are people who demand your respect but they dont actually deserve it.

There are people who will create crises and more drama once they realize they are losing their hold over you.

True, these people exists.

Well, I've tried. 

I've tried my very best.

I tried crying till my eyes dried out, 

I tried harming myself in order for you to realize how wrong you are,

I tried appeal to your heart, as earnest as I can be,

I tried to make you see, what we all see in you,

I tried to talk nicely

I tried to fix you.

But no.

This is not the way.

The right way, is to choose to make myself happy, even though I have to stop having you in my life.

This is it.

This is goodbye.

If one day you found your way back, and realize things are not the way they were anymore,

Please remember,

That things you killed on your way back,

They cant be brought back.

RIP the hurting Joshua who cares

TOXIC

In reality, I am a very damaged guy.
I was brought up in a toxic environment.

Maybe its true that everyone has their own battles; but if you are depressed over how dysfunctional your family is, we can probably always grab a drink, sit down, and share some experience together. I think I am at least able to emphatize with how you feel.

Family is like one sick drug.
They can make you feel really bad and unhealthy, but you always come back to them, no matter how detrimental it is to your physical and mental wellbeing.

well I guess now you are gonna be like, awww come on its not as bad as you think.

But, I am gonna make my case, that how many people out there actually see their family as some addictive poison that they cant get rid off. Well, I am one, who else? Can we make a line and see how many of us are suffering here?

Oh I am suffering, still suffering.
I thought leaving home is going to make everything better, but little did I know, I left with damage like radiation poison in me, like those firemen in the Chernobyl disaster.




On a side note, It's so easy to be brutally honest and be so bare and open when telling your stories to strangers. I dn really share about myself to people I know. Is it the same for you? Or Am I just one weird weirdo.





Okay. Back to the topic

My home is always disastrously noisy, to a point where it affected my physical and mental wellbeing.
I guess it's all too familiar to you too when you first figure out that sometimes mom and dad get into arguements,

The

first time, you might be scared.
second time, you maybe be so shocked and scared and sad that you actually break into tears
then the third time
then the fourth
then the fifth
then somehow on the thirty-third time your tear glands stopped working.

when it happened, I will just be quiet and pretend to do my own work, but in reality I am crippled, I cant focus, I cant do anything.

Somehow these things in the family have its way of damaging the kids and leave behind lasting scars on the family. I mean, how do you explain to a five year old that  people who love each other sometimes wants to kill each other. it will just not make sense to the kid.

Sometimes it will stretch on to days, and at night you can hear the halls and staircase echo with disturbing noises, and no matter how tired I was, I cant fall asleep. If I am lucky enough, sometimes i fall asleep before it starts; but if I am not, I will be up the whole night trying but unable to sleep, or woke up to the sound of screams and cries in the other room.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH WOMEN
I am not a sexist but sometimes I cant really deal with women.

And the worst thing is, it is so twisted in a way that I think this is normal. I accepted this as normalcy in my life, as well as everyone else's life. I thought everyone is having the same kind of family trouble, until I went out and realize how wrong I was.

There are actually happy families. There are actually couple who really love each other and thrives from hardships and settle disagreement in civilised ways.

Sometimes I would hope that my parents will be separated so the noises wont occur as often as they can be. That's how bad it can be for me.

After leavinng home at the age of 18, I am finally relieved of the pain and agony of having to stay home and bear the torture. I thought I am going to be free, but how wrong I was.

I am challenged by my own demon, mostly due to what was given by my parents, like an inheritance of cancer. Some nights I can hear the noises in my head, though I am hundreds of miles away from home. I think that's one way of define crazy.

It become worse if I go home and actually go through the real thing. The pain is all too real and searing like old wounds reopened, like stitches break and bleed.

Will I ever be well?
Am I going to be okay?
Are we going to be okay?
What is there waiting, at the end?

"Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid"

Dark Side of the Moon

And in this glamorous City of Shanghai,

there are also poor people

sad people

people who have no idea where to get their next meal

people who are angry

people who are evil

people who are down a dark path.

I believe, there's a dark side to everything.

I am not quite sure how do I articulate on this matter.

Because recently I am struck pretty hard by an ugly side of someone dear to me.

Like how can someone who wish to inspire respect from others, commit hideous acts?

How wrong we are to think that, people that we know are who they seem on the surface.

Many times we made the same mistake, and in the end got hurt by the unfounded expectation we have for someone.

Sure there are good people in this world, I am not going to deny that.

But I guess its pretty safe to say that, everyone is struggling with something in their daily life.

I am going to borrow from the Catholic's Seven Deadly Sin:

Look around us, everyone seem to be fine.

But there are people secretly can't have enough of "nice" food out there , never know how to say stop to themselves (Gluttony)

There are people who in their twisted ways, imagine what they are going to do to the next girl/guy what they had done with many others that they have sexually coveted. (Lust)

There are people who struggle with giving themselves more good things in the world, is it ever going to be enough, they dn really know. NO, scratch that. They dont think they have enough, ever (Greed)

There are people who are angry with what others have without a shred of gratefulness for the things that they themselves own. They are so not chill when people have what they dont have (Envy)

There are people who needs to feed their ego every now and then. It can be in forms of submission from others; it can be something great that need to be achieved; it can be something that they they shouldnt ever do, it can be as small as a "like" on a facebook/instagram post. (Pride)

There are people who are just angry. Always angry. Why you ask me. I dont know, perhaps maybe they are not contented with how the things are in this world. There are also people who failed at keeping their emotions in check, always do or say things in the wisp of the moment that brought irreparable damage. (Wrath)

There are people who just dont care, hell, they dn even care about themselves. They just want the world to pass them by and do nothing (Sloth)

Yea, its ugly I know.

We are ugly people.

I believe deep down inside, we are all ugly.

Had you come to terms with your sin?

What is your sin?

I know there are plenty of FUCKING ugly ( in terms of heart ) people in the church.

I've seen and known some of them in my life.

First hand experience.

I am sorry, I have nothing against churches. I am a devout Christian myself.

But I would like to come out of my way and make a stand that:

1. No one is perfect

2. Church is not the place for you to come to look for saints.

The truth is, again I can't say enough, is that there're a lot of evil in this world, in the most holiest of places in this world, in the purest of the people. There's always something dirty under that squeaky clean doormat, always a rotten skeleton in one's closet.

And I cant stress enough that I am deeply disappointed by how well these people thrive, just because they hide their dark side better, and make a better performance than the rest. Like, people will buy the idea that someone perfect and good exists.

And it all bound to crash and burn when that fake idea is exposed, realized.

PEOPLE ARE EVIL, MAN.

LOOK AT ME, I AM EVIL.

LOOK AT US

We are just a bunch of sinful cracks trying to convince others how good we are, while deep down, we know we are just hopelessly filthy.

The realization that your role model is not as good as you think can be destructive.

Look at me now. Losing faith in humanity once again.

Going down the dark path in the mind

Just because of something someone did.

Tell me, what should one do upon the knowledge that there aren't one saint left in this world.

How can we love people around us?

How can we be good ourselves?

I guess it goes without saying, and without a doubt that we all need JESUS. I am just going to end my argument and let you decide:

If you are holier than the Gods,

If you can find everlasting peace on your own

Or if you need a Fatherly hand that guides you on your rocky road to find heaven.

Something interesting to note:

1. People always change

2. In time, a person can be an entirely new person

3. But soon you realize that some old habits/traits die hard

4. So which one is true?

a. The only unchanging truth is that everybody changes

b. The only unchanging truth is that people will never change

5. Can a person change to be better, or worse?

6. Or it is already destined, ingrained in their DNA, something that is meant to be?

Okay, I am out of things to say, Just gonna show you guys how pretty China is:

Life Sucks.

Sometimes I can understand why people chose to take their own life.

They simply dont want to have anything to do with this world.

p.s. I am not suicidal

Still Hanging On,

Joshua

Interlude

Somehow down the road, I started to become more and more fascinated in God's creation.

Okay, lets talk about stress.

There are only a few instances in life where I genuinely felt overwhelmingly stressed.

When I was 6 years old, I had difficulty pronouncing and differentiating some English words that have something to do with parks and gardens. And on the other end was my Dad, fierce and strict in teaching me.

11 years old, when I tried to memorize a booklet by heart for some exam but failed miserably at it. And I got no encouragement from everyone around.

17 years old, when I had to juggle between studies and multiple commitment. Then, I had to strike a balance between organizing camps, leading youths, and maintain my grades at the same time.

Stress is never fun to have. I will always remember the anxiety, how cold sweats drenched my clothes, how everything seems unreal, how sleepless nights feels like a battle where you have to entertain whatever shit your brain throws at you, and how I feel really helpless but have no choice but to take the trouble head on.

But somehow I adapted. I became stronger. There were bigger trouble that I see as little in my journey. and In my maturity, never would I thought I would be hit with stress again.

And it all started with me not having a job the same time as my batchmates, which is not suppose to happen.

People all talk about don't matter about the fucks and move on, but at the same time they run so eagerly forward and start the new phase in life on their own.

Heck yea, everyone is running forward like they are in a rat race. It is a rat race alright.

And here I am
still stuck in the past
bidding my time
willing but unable to move forward
while at the same time
there is a voice telling me that I am not working hard enough
that I should at least be as good as others
because there are a lot of good examples of successful ppl in life
and fuck you if you are not like them

So what if I am the loser
what if I cant do anything to my reality even when I want to?
What if I have a heart full of dedication but I cant make it?
Will it be enough?
Or is it not enough?

Fallacy

I didnt manage to get into the first batch of intake

If you asked me how is the day I knew I am going to be jobless for the next 3 months like, I can't find a good word for you, because I myself dn really remember how did the day go, except that it was dark, and dreadful, and I see lots of smiley faces but not mine.

I was sort of devastated.
I mean, what am I suppose to do for the next 3 months, while my friends around me started to work as a dentist, have a regular pay, on their way to build a future for themselves,
while I just sulk at a dark corner, choking back on my own salty tears?

I guess you can tell me that its not a big deal, that others had it worst than me. that another 3 months is nothing compare to those who had waited 1 year but still havent earn bread on their plates.

But I guess all that is not enough to justify the bitterness I felt in my gut, the blur in my eyes that cant place a sight on my future, and the nagging in my mind at night, that ate me up.

No one can deny the right to feel what the heart feels.

I had everything planned out, from starting to find a higher earning job in KL from Nov, then switch to a job closer to my working field one/two months before I actually start my job (tentatively in March), then actually get a job then start working as a dentist, getting my own place and start earning my living.

But shit just gotta mess up your life somehow.

I guess up until now I still blame my bad luck.
Like nothing ever goes well for me for the past months.

First, I didnt manage to go home in time due to work extension
Second, the regazzettement  of our college name (which ultimately lead to the delay of me getting my job.
Third, the downs I had in my job ( like seriously can I have a win in my life?)
Then, I got robbed of my phone, all my memories held dear are taken from me.

Come on, can it be any worse?

Hell yea, there you go, no job for you for the next 3 months, have fun and rot.

Some people asked me to retain my job as a Dental Surgery Assistant ( DSA ), while I am waiting.

But I can't do it.

I can't stomach the fact that I am stuck in a place while my friends had moved on, to the next screen.

I cant do it.

So I quit my part time job, and start to search for a meaning in my life, in the midst of waiting and rotting.

I guess I have my senior to thank for.

He asked me, "think about what you want to do the most, and do it. do it to your hearts content"

And it woke up something in my heart that will not die.

"To see the world, 

things dangerous to come to, 

to see behind walls, 

draw closer, 

to find each other, 

and to feel. 

That is the purpose of LIFE"

I guess I am a wanderluster to begin with,
and I am always fascinated with how the world looked like out there.

And sometimes I think I could capture the goodness of a place from my own perspective and share it with the world, so they can have a take of what my eyes see, and be fascinated themselves too.

I longed to see the world.
I want to go far and wide.

So I packed my bag, and I left.

no more reading from natgeo and wonder when can i visit those places

Yes, I started traveling solo, to see the world with me, myself and I.

Honestly at first I am quite fearful, of how big the world is that it might engulf me and drown me.

This is the first time I go to a foreign country on my own, with no list to do, not a name on my paper, just my feet bringing me wherever it felt like. 

I touched down on Melbourne with only one goal in mind: To forget about my reality.

               

"Sometimes I don't. 

If I like a moment, 

for me, personally,

 I don't like to have the distraction of the camera. 

I just want to stay in it"

Yeap as you all can see, its not all that scary, I made it back to tell you all my tale.

Well, I come back a better person, resigned to my fate and ready to see things in with a fresh eye.

I guess what I am trying to say is, in another 10 years when I look back, I would thank God for giving me this 3-month-break, and amazed by HIS almighty wisdom in setting my life course this way.

I continue to pray that to be true.