TOXIC

In reality, I am a very damaged guy.
I was brought up in a toxic environment.

Maybe its true that everyone has their own battles; but if you are depressed over how dysfunctional your family is, we can probably always grab a drink, sit down, and share some experience together. I think I am at least able to emphatize with how you feel.

Family is like one sick drug.
They can make you feel really bad and unhealthy, but you always come back to them, no matter how detrimental it is to your physical and mental wellbeing.

well I guess now you are gonna be like, awww come on its not as bad as you think.

But, I am gonna make my case, that how many people out there actually see their family as some addictive poison that they cant get rid off. Well, I am one, who else? Can we make a line and see how many of us are suffering here?

Oh I am suffering, still suffering.
I thought leaving home is going to make everything better, but little did I know, I left with damage like radiation poison in me, like those firemen in the Chernobyl disaster.




On a side note, It's so easy to be brutally honest and be so bare and open when telling your stories to strangers. I dn really share about myself to people I know. Is it the same for you? Or Am I just one weird weirdo.





Okay. Back to the topic

My home is always disastrously noisy, to a point where it affected my physical and mental wellbeing.
I guess it's all too familiar to you too when you first figure out that sometimes mom and dad get into arguements,

The

first time, you might be scared.
second time, you maybe be so shocked and scared and sad that you actually break into tears
then the third time
then the fourth
then the fifth
then somehow on the thirty-third time your tear glands stopped working.

when it happened, I will just be quiet and pretend to do my own work, but in reality I am crippled, I cant focus, I cant do anything.

Somehow these things in the family have its way of damaging the kids and leave behind lasting scars on the family. I mean, how do you explain to a five year old that  people who love each other sometimes wants to kill each other. it will just not make sense to the kid.

Sometimes it will stretch on to days, and at night you can hear the halls and staircase echo with disturbing noises, and no matter how tired I was, I cant fall asleep. If I am lucky enough, sometimes i fall asleep before it starts; but if I am not, I will be up the whole night trying but unable to sleep, or woke up to the sound of screams and cries in the other room.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH WOMEN
I am not a sexist but sometimes I cant really deal with women.

And the worst thing is, it is so twisted in a way that I think this is normal. I accepted this as normalcy in my life, as well as everyone else's life. I thought everyone is having the same kind of family trouble, until I went out and realize how wrong I was.

There are actually happy families. There are actually couple who really love each other and thrives from hardships and settle disagreement in civilised ways.

Sometimes I would hope that my parents will be separated so the noises wont occur as often as they can be. That's how bad it can be for me.

After leavinng home at the age of 18, I am finally relieved of the pain and agony of having to stay home and bear the torture. I thought I am going to be free, but how wrong I was.

I am challenged by my own demon, mostly due to what was given by my parents, like an inheritance of cancer. Some nights I can hear the noises in my head, though I am hundreds of miles away from home. I think that's one way of define crazy.

It become worse if I go home and actually go through the real thing. The pain is all too real and searing like old wounds reopened, like stitches break and bleed.

Will I ever be well?
Am I going to be okay?
Are we going to be okay?
What is there waiting, at the end?

"Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid"