A Short One

I don't know you.
I didnt even know who you are before I knew what happened to you.

I am sorry things happened this way.

Your life is a short one. And weird enough, I always want to imagine how would it be like if my life were cut short like you.

How would others see me
How would I see myself
How would I see the world

I am not trying to say that what happened to you is a good thing, but I am sure you gained some valuable insight from the end of your life. I would not try to pretend to understand what you are going through, but honestly, I admired your courage and how you surrendered your fate to the almighty, how you still look upon the almighty in your last days.

I wish I could be like you, when my time comes

No matter what, I am sure you are now in a better place
With no tears
With no sorrows
With only joy and laughter

and I am sure you are dearly missed by your loved ones.

Rest in Peace, Dear Stranger.

C'est La Vie

Who said You can enjoy in Universities?
Who said You can sit on green lawns with your fellow Uni-mates and laugh and have fun?
All those are bullcrap

LOL

University life is not fun at all.

So now advancing through my final year of Bachelor of Dental Surgery (BDS) studies, basically my daytime is divided into two main parts: Academic Studies and Clinical Postings.

Academic studies are just the usual stuffs, lectures, hands on, and read the books, and sit for exam and yada yada but we actually get to have a feel of how our future work life would be like in Clinical postings.

Its basically like working, without license, which sounds kinda illegal, but its not illegal. But you get to get your hands on sometimes-annoying-sometimes-fun-to-have-but-sometimes-pisses-me-off patient. Not to forget that I am not fluent with the local language in the first place, which make this an even more difficult task,

But fear not, we've all adapted, and I've slowly put on with this and starting to get kinda good at it (?)
For now, I just cant wait to finish my final year and be a happy intern, hopefully. =)

...

My mind keep on brings me back to those days when I open my eyes and the first thing I do is to get on that bicycle and meet up with them. We dont have much but we are all we had. Its one of the colouful chapter of my life which I wish I can go back to.

But now look at me, and looking back on the past that I used to have. I am lost momentarily to the sight of strangers looking into my face, saying things that I dont understand, sounding like they really understood me. But, no. They are nowhere near. They say Aquariuses are very analytical in thinking and that makes them really hard to understand, but I cant help but wonder, Isit really that hard? Isit really that taxing of an effort to understand me? Or I am just being really ungrateful here?

If this is True, why do I feel something is amiss in the midst of this seemingly so-perfect life?

If what we shared is real, why do I feel like crying inside but nothing came out?

Honestly, I just cant wait to end this chapter of my life and move on. 

Because, maybe, I am never irreplaceable in other's life in this chapter of my life.

I surrender

Recap

We've all grown so much we start to think back to those days when all we have to think about is tests and endless tuitions.
We used to come to class reluctantly then faces lit up when we see each other
We would talk about the serial we all watched the night before, if not the latest not-so-canggih game, or the latest progression of the anime story in the weekend.
We would hang around whenever and wherever, and seriously, we dont have a proper topic to talk about, but now its like every words and conversations are still fresh in my mind.
We would sometimes quarrel, you once told me that we are not friends anymore but in the end you cant help but came back and talk to me, pretending nothing ever happened between us
And seriously, those childish cards that we play are all we have. We don need no expensive Starbucks coffee, nor benefits for either of us out of this friendship to make us stay. People would ask us, why be friends? but why, why cant we be friends?

Back then, living is simple. We dont have to squint hard into our life to contemplate what meaning does it brings for us everyday. We dont have to craft each everyday sentences carefully, tip-toeing so we wont venture into places we werent suppose to. Our ego wasnt so developed, others werent usually hurted by our unintentional gesture, nor are we easily hurted by others gesture.  Back then, we dont have to be someone else, but just be.

Maybe I am just feeling tired for the time being, but living suddenly take efforts. And suddenly, faces that I see no longer look like those which I have seen, and living everyday feels like crossing a warzone, with much to handle, much to ponder upon, and much to cry about.

I am out.
I am down.

And more importantly, I miss how simple people used to be, before ego comes in, before success become something that matters, before benefits weigh more than friendships.

...

Solitary Mimbletonia, Its been so Long. And I think I've been imagining having conversation with you for far too much times.

I am so happy you made it out, that you've written your story on your own. A glorious victory, holding that roll of paper, that bouquet of flower. I couldnt imagine another ending to a chapter that deserving for you. You deserve it, well done.

And oh, I think I've forgotten what your favourite colour is. And sometimes I forgot how do you look like. Everything seems so vague now, I guess its just that we've come so far since we last crossed path.

Sometimes I can't help but think, what would it be like if we made it out alive back then; or what if I was like who I am now back then? I guess no one would know. But I thank you for teaching me how to be a better guy, as you are the one who showed me the proper way to be a gentlemen. You broke me, but in a way you made me.

Though insignificant as I am to you now, my wish for you is that you will continue to be the author of your life, chasing that dream that you wanted, doing things that makes you happy, and ultimately, living a full life surrounded by those who love you.

Perhaps this is the best ending for the both of us.

Imagine

Imagine with me.
That you have this opportunity to start over
To the very beginning

No one knows who you are
No one have any clue of what kind of person you are
No friends made yet
No attachments
No burdens

Everything start anew

Would you, or would you not take it?
And how differently would you live this life should you choose to restart?


And how differently do you think it will be from the life you are living now?

Tempting, isnt it?

...

I've written all these with a sound mind and clear conscience.
Though my body one the other hand, is drown in toxin.

Funny thing is, as I grow I start to understand why grown up drinks Why do they seek solace from something that numbs them, but chew them up on the inside. I start to understand why grown ups do what they do, act the way they are now. It used to be so weird but now I am slowly able to understand

and ooops, I am a grown up now.

You wished that people are simpler, but sadly, I think we all gain a certain maturity when we comes of age, We hurt, we got hurt, we obtained new company, we became alone. We all learn something from our journey and developed a more complex character, if not wiser. Me, for instance, realize the need of a private sanctuary that is not a person or a place, but something inside you that have your back when you falls.

That's why I no longer feel comfortable sharing about myself to everyone.
I no longer feel comfortable that this is a public place, though not much people has access to this private sanctuary
I no longer feel comfortable in making everyone happy if I have to be the one suffering.

Tell me, is this how all grown up grown to be?
I wish I am simpler too.
Free from conflicting wars within
free from difficult choices to be made
Free from the delimma of who to please, and at the same time upset the other
Free from uncontrollable wants and needs
Free from the reality
Free from obligations I need to comply in order to keep those things matter to me

At one point of life, when you are slowly suffocated by disaster of your own making, you wish to go back, to restart, to escape, to not belong, to not care, to escape the very place you fit in, but doesnt belong to.

That's me now.



...

It has happened before
and it is happening now.
It will always be a mystery to me that

If it's me who's pulling myself back from belonging to a home

or

The problem is with the home that I dont fit in

or

There's wasnt even a home to begin with

Sometimes

Sometimes I miss just lying down and look at the stars with some good company
and look at the constellation of stars
no one has to say anything
but just look up in silence
and silently drown in serendipity.

Sometimes I miss a good talk
those kind where you get to know more about yourself
the kind of talk where you can talk and get talk back to
in a genuine manner
not just the usual empty-shell talks
but the truly inspiring ones

Sometimes I miss being alone
when I dont have to care for anyone's feelings
when I dont have to think what to say next to make everyone happy
The time alone when I can be truly honest with myself
with a glass of mellow scotch, maybe
No one else but me and the dead silence.

Sometimes, I just miss living again.
And I miss all the people that comes with it.


...

Life comes a full circle
And I am back to where I started.

Confused, lost, in pain
I don't even know who I am anymore
I only know that the one who I used to be, is no more

I am no longer myself

I picked up a lot of things along the way
and now I am not really sure what of me is mine and what is not.

I tried to care. I tried to try make people happy.
But I realize that no one is ever truly satisfied.
What makes it worst is when I realize that, people meant a lot for me doesnt give a damn for me
I really gave it a try.
But in the end, all my concerns are being treated like an annoyance.

Maybe I am not the one that you want to hear from.
Maybe however concerned you are, sometimes what matters is the right person, not the right intentions.

Its okay. I really did try. I really did step out of my comfort zone and try to care.
But as much as I want to muster every courage I have in me to hate, I can't seem to do it.
trust me, I really do.

Because
You don't deserve it.
All these disappointment tells me that you dont deserve it.

...

p.s. Why am I judged for being real, and others are love for being fake?

      

Night of darkest kind

No I never thought I will come to today in this state.
I dreamt I would be that cheerful guy,  lovable by all,  smart,  sincere,  considerate, waiting to complete the dental course and leave India for good.

But things changed.
I am not who I was anymore,  and I can't seem to find the way back to the old me. 

I told my friend today,  I am completely not suicidal,  but if death were to come to me one day,  anyday,  I would gladly welcome it because it simply means I've got a way out of my troubled life.

I know it's unfair for my family,  and friends who truly cares, but sometimes become nothing seems to be a valid way out of this life. 

But death,  make everything that mattered in this world into nothing.  And those things that really matters, they are not bound by death.

She said 3 words that resonated within me

You have depression.

:o

Lets just say I really have depression
Will it matter?
Will the world stopped for a while by the dawn of the fact that I am depressed?
Will eople put down their work in their life and hold my hand and say,  it's okay?

No.

Depression can't be seen on the outside
Unlike sickness which manifested in physical weakness,



Depression often looks like this:

:)

In the night of the darkest kind,  who is here with me braving through the storm?
Who's ready to anchor me to this life?

A way out,  I can only hope for.

No man land

So,  I've installed the blogger app into my phone,  hopefully I would be able to blog more often,  anywhere.

To tell you the truth,  I really yearn to talk about myself in this no man land,  and I am glad that tonight  I am able to do so.

And to tell you the truth,  all my life I feel like other than God,  this place had been my best listener.  It's not people's fault (partly correct because some people listens just for the story), but for me I feel really uncomfortable telling people what I really think about,  what I feel,  my heart desire,  my struggles,  my worries,  my hopes and dreams.  It's just the way I am. 

I wanted to do so,  but when the time comes,  I just can't find the courage to do it

It's just the way I am

And right now,  I am just a man who's getting a little tired of living his life. 

I want to escape. I want to be free.  I want to be nothing.

\

People never knows

Guess who is He?

My heart is aching for wanting to have a friend like this.


Call me ungrateful, call me irresponsible, call me mean, call me anything.
I guess behind all that name-calling and labelling, people actually dont know who you really are deep down inside.

And that's what is holding me on today.

Say, you have this group assignment going on, but no one in your group seems to be interested enough to get the thing going
So you say, okay I will take this on and make this work.
You took up the RESPONSIBILITY that is supposed to be shared with everyone else
You took up the job, make a run for it, exhaust yourself, drain all your energy for the job
People didnt realize that
They wont even give you the acknoledgement that you deserve for the job you have done.
As time passed, slowly you became the "one that gets the job done", or the " one that needs to get to job done"
What used to be your volunteered helping-out, became your burden
You start to get taken for granted.
You even start to forget that THIS job is the kind of job that everyone should complete together
You burnt out
Your passion inside died out.
You reached out
You asked for help, from people in your group who is SUPPOSE to carry the weight together.
They replied

"No, sorry. I dont want to, and I dont have to clean up for you. Finish your own work."

I have tears in my heart, but no one knows why I frown.
No one knew why I sighed, while I cried inside
People forget about their weight as you carried for them, and it just naturally becomes yours.

...

I am alone in my world

多少次，我一直安慰自己

总有一天，有人会在乎

有人会把你看得比自己重要

日子久了，人见多了，话听多了

发现一切都没什么必要

有些东西太在意，就是你输了

我一直在我的世界里寻找着你，

翻来覆去见不到你

才发现

原来

我一直都是孤单的

和我对话的

只是那姗姗来迟，

熟悉的回音