Through My Default Eyes

Embark another journey into no-man-land.
No one Recognize me.
No one knows.
Looking through the broken lens.
















It's funny how all this brings back the days when you said that waterfront is the most beautiful place in Kuching in the night. Daylight shone on the place bringing up all the hopes and dreams belonging to you that tortures me even now.

"I think Kuching will be a very beautiful place in the future. The waterfront is simply too beautiful, plus all the malls, shopping complex...."



















Everywhere i go, i leave footstep.
Treading wind,
Drenching mud,
Everywhere i go, I capture memories,
Perfection in a split second.

Log Entries.

I have an eager to wake up in some freaking hour in the morn and blog.

I give in to the surge of urgency and give the first night a try.

Fail. Without success. Alarm fail to wake me (a sleepy me) up at 3am.

The second night *take two*

I was awoke with a lurch in stomach and a agonizing pain in my tummy, as i dreamt about zombies and hot-barreled shotgun. A very bad combination like Cola and Mentos.



*wat the hell, why am i awake??*


Grabbing my bro's wristwatch for a peep, it shows clearly 2.12am under the blinding florescent glare. Perfect, exactly 38 minutes before i plan to wake up.

Turning of my alarm, i ran downstairs with a speed that would break the world's record but sadly, witnessed by no one, into somewhere that i doesn't belong at times like this. What do you call it?? Lavatory aka Gents aka Ladies aka Toilet


*IS it that another shot of pain will drive me into unconciousness?? be my guest*


After the longest hour of my desperate life, i made myself a hot malt drink, seconds before i come to realize that my stomach is suppose to be sleeping at times like this. Resting to gain the energy to work the next day. Poor guy, just disrupted your sleep didn't I?? Hope you won't be sleep deprived tomorrow. Oh wait, my mistakes. i'm suppose to say "later part of today".



*So here I am*


Opening up my laptop, my hand starts to dance frantically on the board that consist of keys made up of Roman letters. So what am i going to blog about?? i wondered as words starts to form on my blank pages. Great, no point asking. Something random will come out anyways.

A big fat ugly lizard is trying to push itself through the seam of the door, i better don't fool around with the door or else i might squashed the bug.

Something come into my mind. Something so overwhelming and heartwarming that i tried really hard to push away. The kindness of the particular family, how they treat others with goodness while they themselves prosper. Kind to the fact that i might not raise my heads upon them just because they're simply too good. What was that called, intimidating kindness?? Speechless blessings?? I don't know. I know not. That's just something that'll motivate me to treat others the same way they did to me.

And then my mind is diverted to her instead. It's suppose to be a sweet thing to do before, suddenly thinking about her, thought of her and miss her suddenly, like those old days in the tattered pages of history. What is she doing now, sleeping i guess?? My mind holds no answer anymore. Do i care about that?? No, apparently. Something had sealed myself in from all hurtings and pains; or opt two, something had taken the part of me which was attached to her away, reaping the emotional part from it's very core.

Speaking of which, i was reminded again that all the pains and sufferings in this wordl means this earth is not my home. I'm going to leave world someday too, like any other breathing guys and girls dozing around in this hour, and i'm going to leave all this misery and desperatemo-ness as i left the world. Something to be anticipated, at least. For the time being, the very idea of losing someone had twisted or somehow mixed my personality.

Okay, 3.00am. Favourite time for prayers and ghost haunting.

Could i see Ju-On face outside the window if i turn around and peek??



*Ten Ringgit says that there'll be one shouting "IN YOUR FACE!"*



I turned around.

Yikes!!! A strange reflection of myself on the semi-opaque glass window, nothing else.

And i drew a conclusion that here comes the end of all this randomness.

I typed my last words

Clicked "create post"

And logged off.




*log off*








Untitled



Lead me to the cross
Where your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord i lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to you
Lead me
Lead me to the Cross




Savior
He can move a mountain
Our God is Mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose and conquer the grave
Jesus conquer the grave

If you.


If you remembers Mother Theresa, who shows great love to those in need;
Don't forget that Jesus shows great compassion to those who needs him.

If you remembers Isaac Newton who showed us the law of gravity;
Don't forget Jesus who showed us the way of salvation.

If you remembers Martin Luther who found the Methodist Belief;
Don't forget Jesus who promised.

If you remembers Mahatma Gandhi who fought all his life for his nation;
Don't forget Jesus who gave his life to all mankind.

If you remembers Barack Obama who sought peace to the world;
Don't Forget the prince of peace, Jesus.

独白


想念你了


都快六个月了,你的脸,至今我仍没见到。

说想念,也不是。

习以为常,也不是。


你的笑容,
你的一个削皮的欢笑,
你活泼的一个碰触,
你的一举一动,
你所说的一切,
你的承诺,
关于你的一切的一切,
我,仍然难以忘怀。

与你相处的短短的四季,


夏,秋,


是我有生之年最奇妙的一段时光,

你,并不是很美。 但是却足以让我深深陷入这无底坑。你的不完美,在我眼里尽是完美。

完美。完美。完美。完美。完美。

还有什么能让我留恋到现在??无可否定的,就是你。到底你是何方神圣??为什么事到如今我还是如痴如醉??看来让我不明白的除了你以外,还有我自己。 是的,我仍然放不下。


放不下你的美
放不下你的天真
放不下你的撒娇
放不下有你的生活
放不下你的陪伴
放不下你的激励,鼓励
放不下你的爱
放不下你如今虚假的承诺

放不下没有我在你身旁的你。。。

。。。
。。。

你知道吗??我的感觉,从以前到现在都没变,完完整整的为你保留着。
感觉到吗??

很高兴你拥有了自由,更高兴你找到了快乐,

留下了沉默,
留下了伤痛,
留下了寂寞,
留下了我。

莫非这只是一则悲凉的独白??
你在哪里??
你的心究竟在何方??


切记,
哪里有你,
我的心也在那里,
不要忘记,
累了,
伤了,
倦了,
想家了,
可以回来,
我会在这里等你,
一直都在,
直到我不在的那一天。

这是我给你的承诺


我会一直在家里等你,一直一直一直一直等。。。。。


独白说白了,放不下的是我。
我不能逼你留下,
为了你好,
你快乐就好,
祝你天天快乐,开心,健康。


宝贝,我还仍然深深爱着。。。



I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way





MIsery at Best



What does that tell you when all hopes are lost??


Once there's this man who've lost his family in a dreadful car crash. He seemed normal after the heartbreaking tragedy, not far different from who he used to be. He dragged his old car back, fix it day and night, only to wreck it again on the night of the anniversary of his family's death.

As all may disapprove the act of the man, preparing and reliving the despair all over again after time, i find the act a little bit unique from my point of view, as it struck up my curiousity.

What was it??
Is he going to feel better after reliving the past??

It is a self-torturous process that most of us doesn't have to endure, but sadly some of us have chosen this path as a way to remind ourselves of our subsistence. It makes us feel alive, it makes us part of the pain, which had become a major part of us after the tragedy.

So, what about it?? Have empathy, please.

Why open up again for the same hurtings over and over again?? Why reading the book that will bring all the sad memories back?? Why reminisce about past that'll cause mental breakdown?? Do i deserve all this?? Is it right to do this? Is it somehow going to make me stronger after being hurt again?? Neither do i know, i don't fathom myself after disastrous times that break my nerves and threw me down into the endless pit of misery. I no longer know my self.

WHO AM I??

Maybe i've become some low self-esteem creature living on this planet, dragging my zombified organic compositions, my biological parts of emotions, on a journey of love that's full of toils and hardships. I'll never knew. Am i still me??


p.s. Thanks D.J for his on-time blessing, will share about it soon.

The last Song, Review.

A story full of love. It’s basically about the story of a rebellious daughter who spent her summer with her dying dad (which she only came to realize in the end) and discovered the meaning of the summer, or perhaps her entire life.

One thing that catches my attention the most is the undying love of the father. The clear description of how death slowly took him away is unbearably touching. It’s kinda sad when we see a life slowly vanish into nothing and death slowly take its toll. Wet cough, decreasing in weight, declining strength, longer nap times, deterioration of appetite. They’re all clearly portrayed, showing what death can do to a dying man.


I wonder why I always have a feeling that I’m dying soon.


The feeling that my days are numbered, that I have no much time left.


It’s not the wanting-to-suicide feeling, I’ve known better not to do that, and that I’m not stupid enough to do it. It’s a feeling that life isn’t secure, that I’m going to fade away any minute.


Is it because of my Sinus problem?? Is it because my cough has not been any better for the past few months?? Is it because my health is deteriorating over time these days??


I won’t be surprised if I’m diagnosed with cancer one day, I’ve been expected this to happen, if any of my problems isn’t getting better. Now, living another days mean more than a miracle to me. It’s work of God.

Life is just too frail and weak that God can take it away almost instantaneously. Life is nothing but a candle in the wind, easily put out by a wisp of breeze. And the meaning of it is to bring light to the darkness around us.


I’m glad I figured all these out at my young age, since a lot of other people won’t even understand this for the rest of their life. For them, life is just a party, and all they have to do is enjoy it. The end of it means THE END. They will feel insecure, empty towards the end, but not for me.


Back to the topic.


The love shown by the father is too overwhelming that I nearly shed tears thinking how much this dad had done for the family. And how unfair it is for him to die early, to only share a summer with his children. A loving father like him doesn’t deserve all this, he deserved to be better. But that’s just what life is, Unfair and cruel.


As for another part of the story which grossed me out, it’ll be another story for another time around.



Panel 1


The following post is meant as a sharing, no copyright offense intended. The administrator of http://stupiakboy.blogspot.com would not want anyone end up thinking "this is damn easy, i'm damn good, bring it on!"

Arrived there 40 mins earlier. Went to the counter. Signed my name. Sit on a chair.

Then i started mingling around with a necktie guy, coming to realizing shorty that he is my groupmate (short after Erim, Lilian, joined in. Not to forget Sharon who joined us later, replacing the missing number 2). After some get along mingling session, sharing about our dreams, result, and course applied, we moved to the multimedia department, where we were interviewed.

After the short talk, telling us not to leak the interview question (which we won't be doing =D), we were asked to put up our number tags and move along into the interview room.

"hey, i've got number one!!?? Holy crap!!"
"Erm.... Who got number four??"
"I am Number Four. XD"



We walked into the the room, two guys and a lady sat there. One looked like a CEO of some multinational corporate (really intimidating), one looked like a geek with laptop infront of him and the lady looked normal (which makes her pretty abnormal).

The session went on well, leisure chat, like a peer-to-peer sharing session, just that the CEO guy's stare makes me uneasy as if he's looking through me, searching for a reason to eliminate me. Plus, everyone else's english is so fluid that i think that i'll be pretty D*mned in the end. But luckily, i still managed to muster some courage and spat some words out.

In the conclusion, i freaked out.

"Do you know the name of our Youth and Sports minister??"
"Erm....."
"What about our Prime Minister??"
"Najib."
"Full name please"
"er......"
"Which ministry is in-charged by the Prime Minister aside from being the Prime Minister Himself??"
"ER....."
"Who is our education Minister??"
" *Speechless* "
"Great, how are you going to introduce your country to the foreigner if you don't even know Malaysia??"


Nevertheless, it ended quite well. You guys shouldn't be afraid. =)
All the best.


p.s. Having nauseousness all the while after the interview... Brain strain??

BUSY?? Another JPA Interview essential. =D

On the selection criteria, JPA focuses on 9 core subjects for academic results. This would constitute 65% of the selection points. Based on past experience, it is very crucial to have 9A1s in these core subjects (there are hundreds, if not thousands of students with 9A1s for their core subjects), especially if you are applying for competitive programs.

Family income would constitute another 10% of the selection. Based on past year's counting, those with family monthly income of RM5000 of below (majority of Malaysian family falls under this category. Monthly income of approximately RM1500 per month ould mean 10 points, RM5001-RM10000 would mean 5 points and more than RM10001 would mean 0 point. The other 10% would come from co-curricular activities.

There are 3 aspects for these co-curricular activities, i.e. uniformed bodies/clubs/societies, sports and other achievements. For each aspect, you are evaluated for your top 5 unique achievements. If you have achievements in only 1 sport, then you would receive zero point for the other 4 achievements in sports. For sports and other achievements categories, it would be based on your highest level of representation.

For past years, it doesn't matter whether you win or not in the competition. It is measured based on your highest level of representation. So, it would be 1 point for representing the country, 0.8 point for representing the state, 0.6 point for representing the district, 0.4 point for representing the school and 0.2 point for representing clubs/societies. So, if you only represent your school in 1 report, you would get 0.4 out of 5 points. I am not too sure how the 15% is converted to 10%.

There are 2 possibilities of how it is done. Normalize that 15% to 10%, or choose the top 2 categories. I would think that the former method is done. For uniformed bodies/clubs/societies, this is based on your highest position held. Head prefect would most probably earn you 1% and the chain of point goes down as you move down the layer of positions, eg: President of Clubs/Societies, Prefects, Secretary, Vice President, Treasurer, Committee Member, Member etc. It is crucial for you to fill up the form with the optimum point in mind. You would need to show the certificates during interview, and that is just to verify that you fill up honestly.

A common misconception of applicants would be that they think that they have excellent co-curricular activities (especially if they are comparing with their friends in same high school). However, one thing to note, there are thousands of high school. Let's put this into perspective. Assume that you are a prefect, president of 1 society in school, secretary in another society in school and a committee member of another society. Lets assume that we have only 1,000 secondary schools in Malaysia, and each school, has 20 prefects only (most schools have much more) and 20 societies only (with 1 president, 1 secretary and 5 committee members). This would mean that there are 20,000 prefects in Malaysia, 20,000 presidents of societies, 20,000 secretaries and 100,000 committee members.

The last portion of 15% is interview performance. This is typically a group discussion of between 6-12 people, where you would get questions of a topic, eg: National Service, and you are required to discuss among fellow JPA scholarship applicants for 1 hour. For a long list of past-year interview questions, please go to The Worldwide Malaysian Students Network for it. During the interview, JPA officers would often let the group of you to discuss freely, where they just sit back and observe.

The most common pitfall is dominating the discussion. Often, students would come out from the interview room, thinking that they have done very well, since they provide more than half of the discussion content, and speak for like 30 minutes during the 1 hour. If you are doing this, your chance diminishes close to zero. What they are observing is your leadership abilities, communication skills, listening skills (This is crucial, most people just think of sharing your thoughts and not augmenting what others say), analytical skills etc.

If there are group members who are quiet, you should lead and guide them to share their opinion. You should try to lead the discussion into a framework, where you will not fall out of topic. It is very easy to sway from the topic of discussion. Try to summarize the discussion too. This would show your management and leadership skill, which is crucial for future civil servants. Provide solid arguments with convincing examples and not just mere loads of normal ideas. Quality matters. Do make eye contacts with the interviewers and other students.

If you are not successful in your application, you should definitely try your best to appeal. If you do not appeal, you stand zero chance of getting the scholarship. If you appeal, you would have a finite positive chance of getting the scholarship. So, why not try? Merely complaining that it is not fair would not boost your chance at all. JPA would have a specific form for you to appeal. Do submit your appeal directly to JPA, while providing a copy to various parties to help you appeal. MCA, through the leadership of YB Dato' Seri Ong Ka Ting, has managed to help many students appealing to JPA. The same goes to Gerakan, UMNO, MIC as well.

I hope this sharing would benefit many of you, especially those of you who did your SPM in 2006. Good Luck to all of you! Hopefully you would share this resource with your friends. Explore all the information here in TinKosong, a site which is fully run by volunteers to help fellow younger generation of Malaysians, i.e. you! If you have anything to share, do write in to TinKosong so that you are be able to share with fellow Malaysians! Being one of the co-developer of The Worldwide Malaysian Student Network (Another site fully run by volunteers, with total web hits exceeding 8.8 million), I would encourage you to visit that site too (if you haven't), to read through tons of sharing by many who have gone through the process of applying for scholarships, as well as questions by many of your peers. Do post your questions there (There is no stupid question!) and do share any information that you know with your friends. (The more you share, the more others are willing to share too). We are trying to inculcate the sharing and learning culture. For the past few years, hundreds of JPA scholars are ReCom.org members. Hopefully, we can see the same trend again this year. Good luck!

Depressisimo


Hey,
I desperately hope that you're still reading my blog,
The only place now you can seek my true feelings, my real thoughts

Are the chances scarce??
Don't you care anymore??
I can only hope.
I hope that you still care.



All these days I've been thinking about my grievance, everything that happened hurts my heart to the fullest, making you easier for the rest of the times.
Even your last promise means nothing.
Do i still believe in you?? i believed. Now i don't.
I remember that you say you still want me as your best friend.
Now, it's just insignificant.





I wonder if I can forget everything by deleting your contact??
You've succeeded, why shouldn't i work it out too??
Why am i foolish enough to indulge in this intriguing torturous torment??
I just can't get it.













曾经的那份爱
我至今还在
等待

I'm just a guy with a cheap phone.

It's kinda funny when you're the only person who knew yourself around.

Secluded.

Unknown to other people.

Mysterious.

People look at you but they don't know who you are.

As of me, i looked through the scratched lens of my 5130 Xpressmusic phone :



















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