年末回顾

2013

2014

看左

看右

一年前，我离这里还有6000多公里。

2013年，真的是快得不得了

可是感觉上又像过了十年。

老了很多

经历了很多

颓废了很多

变了很多

回顾2013，那个男孩，

已经不在了。

...

A Review 

I don't feel like I've lived 365 days this year.

Rather, I Feel like this year has only 200 days. 

Just feels like its so freaking fast, and without me knowing, 2013 has gone for good and here comes 2014. And I am so caught in between that I don't really know what is the right way to close this year, and prepare myself for the next.

Owh, definitely not those "New Year, New Me"-ish stuffs, or any new year resolutions. I am so not gonna do those kind of stuffs cause it just werent my kind of thing, and it doesnt work.

So what's next??

I can only wish that I will be enough for everyone 

Always Good Enough, and always just enough.

Cause if I am not good enough, I cant really do anything about it. I am me, and there's no way I need to change my nature and deny who I am just so I can be "good enough" for one or two. 

That's not what I want.

I am living my life out loud.

Happy New Year. =)

Reminiscence

Okay, this is not exactly like what I’ve expected.

I resolved to resume my blogging career a while back and realize that, time isn’t really a friend of mine on this and I couldn’t really find the leisure time to blog my heart out on this space.

*Knock Knock* Is anybody still here??

Uni life sucks, and there isn’t really any free time anymore ( though you can literally caught me lying on the bed and do nothing. =P ), with medical and dental books that will never exhaust themselves in shoving new and raw information into my 8GB only brain. Furthermore, there’s family, friendship and relationships to juggle with. I can only say, wow, what a life. Luckily I can at least find comfort by the fact that there are still people out there who do blog.

Anyways, what the hell had I done that made me ended up in India?? I guess this will always be a life mystery, of how a boy with playful nature ended up as a miserable university scholar slash nerd.

And I am almost 21, without me realizing.

…

And living in India really made me think back of those days when I am studying back in Malaysia. Things are really really different back then. Though we have lotsa cash right now, but its never enough when we compare to those times when you can have half a dozen of guys staying under the same roof, and joke, play, and study together.

A bunch of guys gossiping in the same room, making fun of each other, or at the very least have a company in the midst of tackling the exams. It’s all a guy could ask for in his uni life. But alas, look at us now. We could now only face our respective textbooks and the dark and lonely night ahead, in two different countries, 5 different places.

I am having you all in my mind, my bunch of guys.  It’s a sad thing to realize that now everything is just a blurred memory from a distant past. We are all on our way, towards a same, but yet different future ahead of us.

At least we used to not play alone, jog alone, sing alone, study alone, and get intimidated alone. =P

…

And I am facing the end of 2013. Frankly this year had been freakishly fast and I cant even grasp a single Idea what I’ve done, or what actually happened in my life. All I feel like it’s a big ZOOM and I am here, holding lecron carvers and wax blocks.

If I could just gather a recollections of memories and review, maybe I will get something out of this fast and furious year, some other time

Fear and Frustrations

Hello and I am back again.

I am starting to appreciate the availability of a space for me to rant and rant and rant and rant, and am starting to appreciate the wonderful de-stressing sensation tapping on my keyboard.

Although, the sensation is now an unfamiliar one.

...

We grow. And we learn to take good care of ourselves, and carry our own luggage. We are being forced into taking care of our own business, without expecting others to lend a hand; cause that's just part and parcel of growing up, we are no longer dependent, and we are fully capable of doing things on our own.

So WHY THE HELL these kind of lousy people still exist in this world??

Nature go out of order?

The earth spun the other way round??

Failure in education system??

Why are there people who cant even take care of their own business??

I am literally speechless.

They would just complain, and talk their way to kingdom come, and ultimately expect things to be smoothen out for them. I mean what the hell?? Why not start doing something instead of talk talk talk talk and sitting there playing with your smartphone?? Is it too hard for you to start moving your soon-to-be-rotten body and work?? Can you get things done by continue your nonsense talk? Owh, shall I help out with all these mess that you are not making an effort to solve??

Perhaps I shall help you with changing your own diapers??

Being a nice guy sometimes put you in terrible deep shit that you dont even deserve to be in, to start with.

Why let people take advantage of you??

Do they even have the right??

All you have done is feeding the darkness of this fallen nature.

Seriously, why help out and let them think that, its actually okay to be this lazy and expect people to make things right for them??

Oh ya YOU.

Please do the environment a favour. 

DISAPPEAR.

Making mental note that I shouldn't spoil my kid in the future, lest they become a detestable burden for other people. I've seen enough, and had enough. All I can do is to make sure I myself don't contribute to this fall of human kind.

...

"This is really selfish but

Why can’t mental illness be like any other kind of sickness where you go to hospital and your loved ones come and give you flowers and tell you that they love you and hold your hand and make sure you get better

Why doesn’t that happen instead of awkward silences and embarrassing tears and messy bedsheets and a bunch of other stuff no one actually talks about

W H Y"

...

When I am out there all alone, only then I realize I have almost zero tolerance for Idiots.

Idiots who expect people who do things for them with a single command.

Idiots who love to win

Idiots who love to gain advantage over others

Idiots who's extremely self conscious in every single occasion

Idiots who's so ignorant about how to make other people's life better and instead, became a burden.

Cut me some slack please?

Maybe I rebelled in a different way, in a way I am fully aware of.

God Help Me.

That was a Long Hiatus Eh?

I'm back.

That's right, I am finally back.

As I slowly faded away from this realm where I can freely articulate my thoughts and shape them into blocks of words, many things happened and need lotsa time to get adjusted to, and in the end, I just disappeared, fade into black.

I never thought I will be back again, and I thought this is the point of my life when I need to say goodbye to this place where I have been abiding in for shelther, to this peaceful sanctuary of mine in the chaos. I thought I would lose it forever, as a guy who once think that he would never ever stop blogging.

I thought I am shutting the door, locking it, and walking away, and never remembering it again.

But I didn't.

I came back, because I just can't stand the ache of losing something which had done so much for me, something so dear. This place had selflessness take in all my disappointment, anger, thoughts, perceptions, happiness, hollowness without any reserve, and most importantly with no judgement at all. And who am I if I am hearty enough to leave this realm which had done so much for me?

And I am glad I am back.

Better than ever.

So what changed??

Life changes. Everyone changes. Nothing is the same if you are peeking through the same looking glass I was using the last time you read my post. Everything is constantly changing, or constantly exert, or being exert on, the force of change. Its ever-changing.

I am happier.
I found a reason to smile again.
I think I had gone astray, a bit.
I start to love Indian food, though the rest of my batchmates are still having this unknown hate towards these foods.
I become a more organized person, and therefore are often times troubled by minute matters that the Me in the past wouldnt give a damn to. Those academic, procedurial stuffs, and stuffs.
I think less.
I lost a friend to Atypical Pneumonia.
I lost hope and faith in many things.
I have had my share of sadness and sorrows, my routine of sleepless night.
And I am still holding on.

And oh btw, I got a twitter account. ^^

My friend told me if I compiled all my tweets (which is a total freaking huge number of 3000 tweets in short 2 months), they will be just about the length of a few blogs. But I think what I said here is more real than anything that I can disclose at anytime of the day, anywhere else. And this makes this place real. And I guess that's why I stayed, instead of moving on?

Well, I do realize without the honing of my blogging skills, my blogpost become a bit of unfluent and it sounds just... less interesting. But Anyways, I am just glad I am back.

...

Sometimes I think happiness and contentment in life is so simple.

It simply means losing grasp for the meaning of life, and finding new meaning of life when the sun shines again, and most importantly, how we SMILED in between.

We may lose hope, but doesn't mean we have to give up, and it doesn't mean its the end.

Perhaps, its the nature forcing us to look at the matter from a new angle?

We can only hope in times of doubts.

Holding On.

It relieves me a little to know that there are less and less people whom I know who actually reads my blog.

Don't get me wrong I am not starting to chase out friends who actually cares, but I slowly start to understand the meaning of keeping private matters to myself.

What's wrong with that kid who always wrote "http://stupiakboy.blogspot.com" on blackboard anyways?? IDK. Anyways, I figure it will be better those who doesn't care have their memory about this blog slowly fade away, so in the end I can freely fabricate my thoughts, with no restrictions and overconsiderations.

Look at me.

Here comes a time when I reach an all new All Time Low.

And I thought Life is hard enough on me already, but it just barrages on, each step higher than the other.

And the thing is, being on this foreign land forces us to be unbeatable, unchallengeable; but in the end we had been staying strong for too long we suddenly crumpled like a soft sheet of paper incapable of withstanding even the slightest bit of pressure. Just that one nudge into the soft spot will do the job, sending us crashing down into the dark lonely night

I've been so strong for so long, and it feels good to actually cry out. In like, since a long time ago?

I never remember it to be so relieving, and soul cleansing.

...

If One day you died,

What would you like people to say about you in your eulogy??

In the end, it's not your achievement that will be listed out one by one, but your impacts on people throughout your life. You can earn the whole world, but it doesn't worth more than a penny on that piece of paper that defines your legacy.

In turn. Think.

What do you want to achieve in Life?

Update : Surviving

This is literally the best pic I have taken in India, by far. Am really proud of my LUMIA camera. Despite the pixels are lousy a bit, it manage to capture the moment in its most beautiful form. The flashing of the roadlight, the blurred silhoutte of the car, the flashing lights on the tree, simply make these awesome people in the picture even more awesome. 

Am surviving still. Slowly.

Me and my housemate came out with a conclusion that there are just simply too much things to study here. 

We do study, in fact every night we do.

But the thing is, we cannot take in everything just by one read.

There are just simply too much things to read, and by-hard.

coupled with my awesomely lousy memory, it is a beautiful disaster. DX

Hoping to write a longer post the next time.

Crossroad

We come to crossroads that determines what do we want to pursue in our life.

But often enough, many distraction seem to blur our visions, keeping us from attaining what we truly need in this brief and short life.

We try to find someone who knows us from the inside out. But in the process we often lost ourselves, become someone who totally differs from who we are, just so we can be with someone who weren't meant for us. 

Shouldn't we just be ourselves, so that people can love us for who we are?

We try to gain great achievement in our life. But in the process we worn ourselves out, fighting so hard, giving up so much that what we have achieve can't really compensate the price that we've paid.

Shouldn't we just take one step at a time, and be contended with what we have at hand, cause it's an achievement itself??

We try to fulfill our dreams. But in the process our hearts become so wild that we are no longer satisfied with our little dreams. We dreamt bigger and forget of how simple our dreams used to be. 

Shouldn't we always remember how beautiful our dreams use to be and stay true to it??

We try to live a meaningful life. But in the process we stray away and searched for meaning in wrong places. We got hurt. We got disappointed while the truth is just out there trying to call out to us, but we are just too busy to hear that.

What on earth do I want??

And what on earth do I deserve??

...

It's between every laugh and smiles that I realize

 That I am getting better

Indian Summer in the Middle of Winter

Life, At a glance.

Still am busy actually. Day after day there are stuffs to do, to settle down, and heck we are already having class for 2 weeks already while some of our friends are still enjoying their life at home. Haven't really got accommodated to the 2.5 hours time difference here compare to Malaysia, as my body stil showing mild jet lag symptoms. ==

People often have the perception that the MYSORE-ans are really have the time of their life, from all this fun and exciting pictures of outings here and there. But then, who knows the silent tears shed in those sleepless nights?? And who will know the inner struggle that may be exist in these excited and crazy dentists-to-be??

The food here is not cheap here, mind you. 

Anyways, I hope I can settle down everything perhaps in a few weeks time and start to live a regular life, and that include time for blogs. =)

这样的日子

还充实吧？

...

People just love to be right.

People love to be the one who corrects other people, and be the one who leads other out into the light.

I am lost of words.

Why is the glory of being right so intriguing?

Do we really have to feel good ourselves just because we are able to correct others and wipe in their face, that how much they suck?

Sometimes it is just really unnecessary, cause when you are trying so hard to correct a person, you omitted the true reason behind the wrongs.

Maybe it's just an misunderstanding.

Maybe it's just a statement pointed in a wrong direction.

Maybe you are the one who's wrong.

When you judge fast, you are upsetting the intergrity existing around you. You become so full of yourself that you can't see those people who starts to leave you.

Let this serve as a reminder for all of us.

And yes, don't ever ever tap on my glass boundary.

...

我瘋你 別讓我說得太多
我瘋你 別讓我錯的太多
我瘋你 別讓我做得太多 
我瘋你 別讓我獲得太多
我瘋你 別讓我失去太多 

This Woman's Work

And there are times when you have these kind of moments in your life,

So beautiful 

That it hurts when it's gone.

And that's why I am letting go.

Because simply it won't do me any good to hold on to your goodness,

Which totally deviates from who you are now.

You are no longer the Cherrybum that I knew.

And therefore, I don't know you.

My memories will no longer register to anything that will bring up memories of you.

Nor I will breakdown ever again because of you.

You just simply don't worth it.

But I will pray to God.

That YOU can cope with the world that is slowly devouring you.

And I will still care, echoing from a deep trough of my heart,

A last act of genuine love, buried safe and sound.

This is cruel.

But this is life.

Impressoul. 第五个季节的日记。

大家，我过得很好

需要一个宁静的夜晚

静下心

调理思绪

Be Right Back

Just a Short Post

Sometimes I really have to remind myself that the world is not revolving around me, and that the world is no longer a simple space that I used to know. The people are different. The way of working with people is different. The environment is different. The priorities are different. The relationships is different. Everything is different. Living suddenly become a sad old game of life.

I now see relationships as a very very volatile, intangible, fragile thing.
I think everyone will get to be the Mr Brightside. Getting their hearts broken, Getting their hopes too high. And transformed their very best friend to a familiar stranger.

Before hearts decided to commit again, please bear in mind, that there are things that you can't undone once it happens, and there are people whom you will lose from your life once they got too hurted. As much as I want to open up my heart again, I just don't want to lose anymore friends who means a lot to me.

I hope that, someday, someone deserving will come sometime, and break down my defense, and totally win me over.


Fin.

New Life. New Beginning.

India is really an interesting place.

the moment when I lay my eyes on the red barren land, I am partially shocked to see that there are basically no greenery at all, as compare to Malaysia. and the thing around is really really ugly, dirty and colourful in a very not-calming way. These makes me really depressed and i think that i am falling sick mentally and soon, physically. DX

Food might easily comes second for things that will surprised you immensely. Aside from the shocking price as compare to Malaysian food, the taste is slowly different too. How can a cup of KFC lime soda taste literally like liquid fried chicken?? DX

And they really use a lot of spices, which makes me wonder if this makes me high abit these days.. ><

...

Tune down a bit Joshua.

Just, tune down and be normal.

You don't have to stand out of the crowd to be noticed.

Like seriously.

Please, Joshua.

Goodbye

I texted you once. No reply.

I thought you are using the other number and your current number is not active.

Try hard to recall the number combination that was once so familiar.

I texted you once again. No reply.

I thought you are not using any number, or your phone is spoiled or something.

The message is clear. I am nothing but just some annoying shit to you.

My heart shattered into broken piece yet again, as if it can be further broken down anymore.

I guess I will never again say that this is the last time you are gonna break my heart. I can only hope. I can only pray that the pain will pass, that I will pull through, that I will find someone worth keeping finally.

This sucks.

I wish I can hate you. I really do. I feel really helpless for being suck a stupid person.

...

It's always so hard to say goodbyes.

After the goodbyes, we will go our own ways and move on with our lives.

And behind those goodbyes, there are lotsa things that will be change, whether we want them to be or not.

I realize it's not the goodbyes that I feared, it's the change after that that is terrifying.

What can I say??

I am scared. Cause there are times when we did not appreciate what we have right in our hands, and when things changed, we finally realized what matters the most to us.

I am real scared. I am afraid of the unknown that lies behind this goodbye. I dread that things will not be the same anymore after I left.

I will miss every single one of you. I will miss our every conversation. I will miss those moments when our life crossed-path, even if it's just an exchange of looks, or a word or two. I will miss having you in my life. I will miss whatever that we once shared.

I am not saying these because I think that this is the end. But simply, this is the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new chapter. We all have to bid goodbye, in one form or another, get on with our life, and continue to cherish these beautiful old memories, and pray hard and hope that when we look back someday, we'll know that everything is still the same, and the friendship is intact and growing strong.

Take care.

The confession of a sinner. Like you. Like me.

Today I went to my church back in kuching, for the last time, before my departure to India, for good.

I think it's kinda funny the fact that most people thought that I have already been in India already because I've been going around bragging telling people about going to India since 2 years ago. and they listened and listened and thinks that I've been already in India for quite some years. Well, i guess i can finally say, that I am going to India, for real. =)

I thank God that he gave me a very strong message.


佳美的脚踪


谁是佳美啊？？ XD

14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”                                                                     ~Romans 10:14,15~


I see the heart of a pastor so desperately trying to reach out to us. I see tears of desperation in his eyes as he mention to us how heathen our hearts are these days to God's calling to repent. For the second time in my life I see a pastor becomes so emotional when he tries to convey his concern and hopes to us, simply because God love us and we deserve this wake up call so the beauty of God's embrace will be revealed to us.

I really look up to these pastors, and I am actually envious. And my prayer is that one day I would have the same fulfilling relationship with God, and I will love him more than anything in the world.

...

I guess I can never be the kind of courageous christian who will boldly declare gospel to people who needs it because I think I am simply too afraid of being rejected. TOO SCARED. I just hope that my daily living will be a reflector of Christ, and perhaps people will see Christ living inside me and be convinced that Christ is the only way.

I hope that people will someday believe, if not at least be encouraged, when they look at me.

Maybe one day when you guys peek into this little blogspot of mine, you will see how God slowly scatter easter eggs here and there in the course of my life, and perhpas you will join the dots and form an incredibly picture, and believe, that there is a beautiful hand behind this life which constantly struggles to live.

=)

I never would be daring enough to say this. But I really hope that everyone I care about will turn to God and believe in him because he is simply too awesome and romantically wonderful. But I am simply too shy. If only they would approach me and ask me about it, I will have lotsa tales to tell.

If only they would.

Conflicted State of Mind

And I started this Blogpost not knowing what am I going to say next. Maybe I've not been expressing myself lately, causing this awful conflicted state of mind.

It's been a long long long while since I last spent sometime for myself, to settle the dust of confusion in my mind. Perhaps I've been giving too much, don't take and in the end, I am drained. Everyday I have to wake up with jumbled mind, and from time to time I feel that things are getting out of my hands, spinning out of control, and frustrating enough, my eyes are not fast enough to catch up with the change.


And it comes down to this sad case of reality. We have expectations.
People become disappointed mainly because they have expectations in the first place.
We tend to have expectations too high on people, the world, on humanity; and in the end we become disappointed because we imagined the world to be a very awesome place. And the truth out there is killing us

And of course there are lotsa misunderstandings layered in between. We saw things just on the outside but we don't see wars been waged on the inside. We say things that make things turn sour, without knowing its full implication. We do things so recklessly, we learnt a lesson so hard it changes who we are.

And so, I guess I am just disappointed.
I am disappointed by the fact that I am starting to have expectation in people once again.

It's just so hard to take the first step again, not knowing what you are gonna be stepping on. Everything feels so insecure, and nothing seem right in this chaotic times. I don't think I am in a good shape to live a normal life again. I think I am still as knockout as ever. I think I am not ready yet, but yet I am forced to face this challenge.

Sometimes I really feel the regret of crossing path with you, giving up myself up and become a really vulnerable being. I regretted abiding in the false hope that you gave me. I regretted putting that immense trust in you, and think that you are the one for me. I regretted being so reliant on you, and I regretted letting myself to fall for you.

I am so angry at myself because I've make such a wrong choice.
I regret this so much I want to have everything back
Every moment
Every single attention
Every caring thoughts
I just hope that I can turn back time, to the time when you are just an ordinary girl.
And I will see you only as an ordinary girl.

I guess you will never know how much you have broke me, cause even I am not sure about It.
But you don't care right?
It's okay.
Afterall, I am not given a choice to say "It's not okay" right?



Will be leaving Malaysia in four days time. Still the feeling doesn't feels real to me. But the dread is slowly grasping me, and making me literally scared.

I am scared. About how the way everything will change yet again when we have to part and start our own life, somewhere out there in the land of spices.

Gawd. I am seriously hating this.
I am blocked. Thank you so much, Cherrybum, and life.

Connection

(more photos)

Bako National Park is a very wonderful place. Well, what can I say?? The invitation came by surprise and I just gladly take it, cause I am going back into the embrace of mother nature. And without preparing much I took my step and joined this two pretty friend of mine and embark on a totally impromptu journey ( for me ).

Things to take note :

1. STRICTLY no food infront of the monkeys, even things that look like food. The monkeys actually robbed make me unwillingly turn over my bag of rubbish, not knowing what will it do if I don't comply. Seeing it chewing the plastic bag and devour it really makes me worried if I've had killed this monkey by "offering" something inedible, which is later denied by professionals over there, stating that they are just merely keeping food in their pouch on both sides of cheek. Still, the monkey successfully make me the ultimate litterer in the national park, spraying my bag of rubbish everywhere in the park compound.

2. I sat down on one random path, switch on my music player on random, and just play with the grass around with the two of them. I simply thinks that the moment is beautiful. I don't think the activities or the places matter, but it's the people and the memories that matters. 

3. Doing all sorts of crazy things during the entire trip. Threw a piece of biscuit toward a bunch of monkeys and run away straight after that, while the monkeys fight to death over the piece of carbohydrate and polysaccharides. Ran like a crazy man when we came to long stretch of straight road. Doing impromptu long jump competition. All that little fun moments simply make the trip memorable. I kinda get the meaning of the wise word " It's not the destination that's important, it's the journey" already. traveling with this kind of people ROX.

Anyways, finally there's picture of my own to post in my wordposts, instead of unoriginal tumblr pics Ha.

...

 

Recently watched this Pacific Rim movie. Rated : 9/10

This is the only movie that make we awed in wonder like a 10-year-old for a very very long time.

Lotsa BOOM and KAPOW in the movie, which makes everything so awesome. The plot, expression, emotion, story, soundtrack, image, twist, surprise are perfect and right in their places. 

One element that intrigued me the most is the drifting of two human minds.

In the film, a Jaeger's neural load is too much for a single pilot to handle alone, meaning they must first be psychically linked to another pilot—a concept called "Drifting". When pilots Drift, they quickly gain intimate knowledge of each other's memories and feelings, and have no choice but to accept them.

Come to think of it, if we really do have the ability to achieve drift with another person, how well can we accept a person as a whole? Often times we are focused on the bright side of a person and oftern neglected his flaws and imperfections, and thus causing real separation when we really start to get to know that person.

So what if from the start we can gain complete understanding of another person, can we go against the norm of this world, stay even though we know that he/she can't be perfect as we thought, or should we just give up that instant, and continue to seek for perfection in the midst of the flawed?

...

We connect with people when we shared a same interest, a same topic of conversation, or a common goal. And once a connection is made, it will form an attachment that clings on your mental flesh, which simply hurts when you tries to break away from this attachment.

Well, I guess what I am trying to say is.

I don't know what should I do for now.

I connected with You and I have to be dead careful now.

History doesn't repeats and teaches us nothing.

I am still trying to put that little ounce of hope in you.

My tiny bits of gambling chip,

all in for you.

Or perhaps I should just draw back and fold, and perhaps lost what I've already put in.

I don't know. Cause you said goodbye. Which is a very honest and heartbreaking thing to do.

and you will never know, how painful is this aching in my heart when I am not sure with what future that I am handling over in YOUR hands

.