Just a Short Post

Sometimes I really have to remind myself that the world is not revolving around me, and that the world is no longer a simple space that I used to know. The people are different. The way of working with people is different. The environment is different. The priorities are different. The relationships is different. Everything is different. Living suddenly become a sad old game of life.

I now see relationships as a very very volatile, intangible, fragile thing.
I think everyone will get to be the Mr Brightside. Getting their hearts broken, Getting their hopes too high. And transformed their very best friend to a familiar stranger.

Before hearts decided to commit again, please bear in mind, that there are things that you can't undone once it happens, and there are people whom you will lose from your life once they got too hurted. As much as I want to open up my heart again, I just don't want to lose anymore friends who means a lot to me.

I hope that, someday, someone deserving will come sometime, and break down my defense, and totally win me over.


Fin.

New Life. New Beginning.

India is really an interesting place.

the moment when I lay my eyes on the red barren land, I am partially shocked to see that there are basically no greenery at all, as compare to Malaysia. and the thing around is really really ugly, dirty and colourful in a very not-calming way. These makes me really depressed and i think that i am falling sick mentally and soon, physically. DX

Food might easily comes second for things that will surprised you immensely. Aside from the shocking price as compare to Malaysian food, the taste is slowly different too. How can a cup of KFC lime soda taste literally like liquid fried chicken?? DX

And they really use a lot of spices, which makes me wonder if this makes me high abit these days.. ><

...

Tune down a bit Joshua.

Just, tune down and be normal.

You don't have to stand out of the crowd to be noticed.

Like seriously.

Please, Joshua.

Goodbye

I texted you once. No reply.

I thought you are using the other number and your current number is not active.

Try hard to recall the number combination that was once so familiar.

I texted you once again. No reply.

I thought you are not using any number, or your phone is spoiled or something.

The message is clear. I am nothing but just some annoying shit to you.

My heart shattered into broken piece yet again, as if it can be further broken down anymore.

I guess I will never again say that this is the last time you are gonna break my heart. I can only hope. I can only pray that the pain will pass, that I will pull through, that I will find someone worth keeping finally.

This sucks.

I wish I can hate you. I really do. I feel really helpless for being suck a stupid person.

...

It's always so hard to say goodbyes.

After the goodbyes, we will go our own ways and move on with our lives.

And behind those goodbyes, there are lotsa things that will be change, whether we want them to be or not.

I realize it's not the goodbyes that I feared, it's the change after that that is terrifying.

What can I say??

I am scared. Cause there are times when we did not appreciate what we have right in our hands, and when things changed, we finally realized what matters the most to us.

I am real scared. I am afraid of the unknown that lies behind this goodbye. I dread that things will not be the same anymore after I left.

I will miss every single one of you. I will miss our every conversation. I will miss those moments when our life crossed-path, even if it's just an exchange of looks, or a word or two. I will miss having you in my life. I will miss whatever that we once shared.

I am not saying these because I think that this is the end. But simply, this is the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new chapter. We all have to bid goodbye, in one form or another, get on with our life, and continue to cherish these beautiful old memories, and pray hard and hope that when we look back someday, we'll know that everything is still the same, and the friendship is intact and growing strong.

Take care.

The confession of a sinner. Like you. Like me.

Today I went to my church back in kuching, for the last time, before my departure to India, for good.

I think it's kinda funny the fact that most people thought that I have already been in India already because I've been going around bragging telling people about going to India since 2 years ago. and they listened and listened and thinks that I've been already in India for quite some years. Well, i guess i can finally say, that I am going to India, for real. =)

I thank God that he gave me a very strong message.


佳美的脚踪


谁是佳美啊？？ XD

14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”                                                                     ~Romans 10:14,15~


I see the heart of a pastor so desperately trying to reach out to us. I see tears of desperation in his eyes as he mention to us how heathen our hearts are these days to God's calling to repent. For the second time in my life I see a pastor becomes so emotional when he tries to convey his concern and hopes to us, simply because God love us and we deserve this wake up call so the beauty of God's embrace will be revealed to us.

I really look up to these pastors, and I am actually envious. And my prayer is that one day I would have the same fulfilling relationship with God, and I will love him more than anything in the world.

...

I guess I can never be the kind of courageous christian who will boldly declare gospel to people who needs it because I think I am simply too afraid of being rejected. TOO SCARED. I just hope that my daily living will be a reflector of Christ, and perhaps people will see Christ living inside me and be convinced that Christ is the only way.

I hope that people will someday believe, if not at least be encouraged, when they look at me.

Maybe one day when you guys peek into this little blogspot of mine, you will see how God slowly scatter easter eggs here and there in the course of my life, and perhpas you will join the dots and form an incredibly picture, and believe, that there is a beautiful hand behind this life which constantly struggles to live.

=)

I never would be daring enough to say this. But I really hope that everyone I care about will turn to God and believe in him because he is simply too awesome and romantically wonderful. But I am simply too shy. If only they would approach me and ask me about it, I will have lotsa tales to tell.

If only they would.

Conflicted State of Mind

And I started this Blogpost not knowing what am I going to say next. Maybe I've not been expressing myself lately, causing this awful conflicted state of mind.

It's been a long long long while since I last spent sometime for myself, to settle the dust of confusion in my mind. Perhaps I've been giving too much, don't take and in the end, I am drained. Everyday I have to wake up with jumbled mind, and from time to time I feel that things are getting out of my hands, spinning out of control, and frustrating enough, my eyes are not fast enough to catch up with the change.


And it comes down to this sad case of reality. We have expectations.
People become disappointed mainly because they have expectations in the first place.
We tend to have expectations too high on people, the world, on humanity; and in the end we become disappointed because we imagined the world to be a very awesome place. And the truth out there is killing us

And of course there are lotsa misunderstandings layered in between. We saw things just on the outside but we don't see wars been waged on the inside. We say things that make things turn sour, without knowing its full implication. We do things so recklessly, we learnt a lesson so hard it changes who we are.

And so, I guess I am just disappointed.
I am disappointed by the fact that I am starting to have expectation in people once again.

It's just so hard to take the first step again, not knowing what you are gonna be stepping on. Everything feels so insecure, and nothing seem right in this chaotic times. I don't think I am in a good shape to live a normal life again. I think I am still as knockout as ever. I think I am not ready yet, but yet I am forced to face this challenge.

Sometimes I really feel the regret of crossing path with you, giving up myself up and become a really vulnerable being. I regretted abiding in the false hope that you gave me. I regretted putting that immense trust in you, and think that you are the one for me. I regretted being so reliant on you, and I regretted letting myself to fall for you.

I am so angry at myself because I've make such a wrong choice.
I regret this so much I want to have everything back
Every moment
Every single attention
Every caring thoughts
I just hope that I can turn back time, to the time when you are just an ordinary girl.
And I will see you only as an ordinary girl.

I guess you will never know how much you have broke me, cause even I am not sure about It.
But you don't care right?
It's okay.
Afterall, I am not given a choice to say "It's not okay" right?



Will be leaving Malaysia in four days time. Still the feeling doesn't feels real to me. But the dread is slowly grasping me, and making me literally scared.

I am scared. About how the way everything will change yet again when we have to part and start our own life, somewhere out there in the land of spices.

Gawd. I am seriously hating this.
I am blocked. Thank you so much, Cherrybum, and life.

Connection

(more photos)

Bako National Park is a very wonderful place. Well, what can I say?? The invitation came by surprise and I just gladly take it, cause I am going back into the embrace of mother nature. And without preparing much I took my step and joined this two pretty friend of mine and embark on a totally impromptu journey ( for me ).

Things to take note :

1. STRICTLY no food infront of the monkeys, even things that look like food. The monkeys actually robbed make me unwillingly turn over my bag of rubbish, not knowing what will it do if I don't comply. Seeing it chewing the plastic bag and devour it really makes me worried if I've had killed this monkey by "offering" something inedible, which is later denied by professionals over there, stating that they are just merely keeping food in their pouch on both sides of cheek. Still, the monkey successfully make me the ultimate litterer in the national park, spraying my bag of rubbish everywhere in the park compound.

2. I sat down on one random path, switch on my music player on random, and just play with the grass around with the two of them. I simply thinks that the moment is beautiful. I don't think the activities or the places matter, but it's the people and the memories that matters. 

3. Doing all sorts of crazy things during the entire trip. Threw a piece of biscuit toward a bunch of monkeys and run away straight after that, while the monkeys fight to death over the piece of carbohydrate and polysaccharides. Ran like a crazy man when we came to long stretch of straight road. Doing impromptu long jump competition. All that little fun moments simply make the trip memorable. I kinda get the meaning of the wise word " It's not the destination that's important, it's the journey" already. traveling with this kind of people ROX.

Anyways, finally there's picture of my own to post in my wordposts, instead of unoriginal tumblr pics Ha.

...

 

Recently watched this Pacific Rim movie. Rated : 9/10

This is the only movie that make we awed in wonder like a 10-year-old for a very very long time.

Lotsa BOOM and KAPOW in the movie, which makes everything so awesome. The plot, expression, emotion, story, soundtrack, image, twist, surprise are perfect and right in their places. 

One element that intrigued me the most is the drifting of two human minds.

In the film, a Jaeger's neural load is too much for a single pilot to handle alone, meaning they must first be psychically linked to another pilot—a concept called "Drifting". When pilots Drift, they quickly gain intimate knowledge of each other's memories and feelings, and have no choice but to accept them.

Come to think of it, if we really do have the ability to achieve drift with another person, how well can we accept a person as a whole? Often times we are focused on the bright side of a person and oftern neglected his flaws and imperfections, and thus causing real separation when we really start to get to know that person.

So what if from the start we can gain complete understanding of another person, can we go against the norm of this world, stay even though we know that he/she can't be perfect as we thought, or should we just give up that instant, and continue to seek for perfection in the midst of the flawed?

...

We connect with people when we shared a same interest, a same topic of conversation, or a common goal. And once a connection is made, it will form an attachment that clings on your mental flesh, which simply hurts when you tries to break away from this attachment.

Well, I guess what I am trying to say is.

I don't know what should I do for now.

I connected with You and I have to be dead careful now.

History doesn't repeats and teaches us nothing.

I am still trying to put that little ounce of hope in you.

My tiny bits of gambling chip,

all in for you.

Or perhaps I should just draw back and fold, and perhaps lost what I've already put in.

I don't know. Cause you said goodbye. Which is a very honest and heartbreaking thing to do.

and you will never know, how painful is this aching in my heart when I am not sure with what future that I am handling over in YOUR hands

.

People Change

Here's a little change of me for the time being....

Before.

The long long long Korean-styled hair

Short and clean.

Credits to my friend Kelvin Tan for taking all this trouble to take this photo and Photoshop-ed so it is viewable. along with a couple of other friends =) I like the name of the album, Grown Up because it really showed how much we have changed down the years.

If I were to take out a photo of mine when I younger and compare it with me now, I don't think i can imagine how can the naive guy in the picture can grow and matured into a guy like me today. There's just too much that I've been put through these years and I believe that, if I have not encountered these, my nature will be far far deviated from who I am today.

If you get what I mean. Heh.

People change.
As we are all subjected to changes somewhere in the road of life, and when the time comes, we will changed into that someone who no one never recognises. I think it sorta explains why some people sometimes thinks that certain person have changed.

So are they aware of the change thenselves? I really hope not.
So if they do have the ability to sense the change, can they stop it? I really hope not.

Cause that way, I would be more comforted by the fact that She changed because she can't help too. I really hope so.

...

Flight date to Mysore, Karnataka, India is confirmed to be on the 25th of July.

The feeling of leaving is so real for me now, and it's really something big to take in.

Leaving for sure will bring up lotsa feelings, cause I for one doesn't love to say goodbye and leave.

Now in this swirling pond of thoughts of mine, I hope I can find the way to express myself better soon.

Love

Finally I have met you....

You are so pretty in a way that I am breathless the first time when I lay my eyes on you.

Your beauty is unmatchable.

And the sound of you smiling seems to brighten up my day.

You are so capable of making things work, even other peers will bow down at your supremacy.

I never knew how big a change can be when I am with you.

So magical
So powerful
So mystical

You changed my life..

LUMIA

GAGS. =)

LUMIA say HI =D

So finally I got the first smart phone of my life, Nokia Lumia 720. It is basically a smartphone with windows 8 as operating system, with LIVE TILES (tm) that updates you basically with everything going on in your life phone at a glance, which is really convenient when you can basically do everything on the same page in the phone.

The interface is kinda cool for me and I simply love the fact that i can customized the live tiles any way i want, not to mention I can generate my own live tiles with its own special function and pictures in it. =) Simply Lovin' it.


The "take meds" is a calendar entry asking me to take typhoid immunisation at a clinic, if you do notice. Real convenient hehe.

And say bye bye to TUmblr PICS pure tumblr pic blogposts. =) manage to take a pic using the so called carls zeiss lens, pretty awesome though.. compare to other phones :

Pretty awesome right? =) LUMIA says : " see you soon! "

Looking through a looking glass

I love this for no apparent reason.
I mean, there's basically no harm done on the turtle right??
Then what is the "Do Not Touch" sign doing over there?? DX

...

Life should be happy. And simple.

At one random instance me and my certain friend talked about out dreams.

My dream is that "the world will be a better place, and everybody will be happy"

And she says that the dream is very Noble.

Wow, is it?

I just don't wish to see bad things happening in this world, as I am born naturally with empathy. I tend to take other's problem as mine, and be stress over it. Looking at people suffer, I can't help but feel like  doing something for them in order to get them out, or else I'll continue to feel bad, silently.

They say that I tend to worry too much for other people, and in the end screw myself over. 

Luckily i made it and manage to pull through and survived.

p.s. Just figuring that I am getting more and more talkative these days and pumped up with Thoughts. DX 

Take a Look. Owh Wait.. I am still in a blur. =/

I think I have come to a point of my life where I am faced with so much choices to be made. Being happy, for one is a choice made as an outcome of all tears shed and all dreams broken in the silence of the night. Somehow I think that this decision is so important for me that I would not want to be that crestfallen anymore, at least for the time being, for the cost for this happiness is just too great.

And also not forget to mention, there's a lot a lot of other choices need to made.

I have doubts, when I have to choose from two different choice, one that makes me happy; while another makes everything okay. I am puzzled and confused, which is the right choice?? And under the mysterious cover of both choices, which one lies the key to a perfect scenario?

I try to take a good look at the problem and perhaps I can suggest a hypothesis to the solution.
But owh wait...
I am still in a blur too.

Alright you got me. Good One.

=/


Two different forces existed and often clashes in this world.
Light and Dark.
Good and Evil.
Depression and Happiness.
The Logical and The Temperamental.
The Mind and The Heart.

Should we succumb to the heart, or the mind??

I do believe though, that both path will be equally winding, leading to a different Next Chapter, and the road not taken, will be left and forgotten, it's content and wonder will not be discovered. Quite a shame actually, that we couldn't rewind time to go back to the fork road that we used to spend so much time pondering on, and regret on our choices. The reality of the world is what that sucks.

Haven't been so stressed for a very long long long time already... I think I am a special creature which deviates from normal human nature, only stressing for things normal people treated lightly on.

...

They say that concept of time is merely a creation of God. 

And we're living in this continuum, and bounded by it.

But God is omnipresent and omnipotent.

He is not bounded by time.

How cool it would be if we could get out of this continuum??

But if one day if human achieved breakfree from time-space continuum.

I don't think we'll be more happy than now.

Random

...

Everyone is struggling

And holding to that last straw that is bound to break

Cause even if you choose to be happy

That doesn't mean the problem will be gone

Sadness lingers and you seem to have lost the right to cry.

Isn't it unfair, a bit?

The Pursuit Of Happiness

Changed my blogspot theme to something lighter and of more radiance. Just simply because I feel that all the constant cryings and self-pitying should be put to stop, and in turn, introduce a sunny element into the picture.

I never thought that I would make it out of this; just like the fact that I never expect people whom we can't leave without abandoned us, and without any remorse expect us to live with it.

That totally sucks, And that's why I need to get up again, because there are simply too much people who hope to see you rise again, and once again, be the one friend who use to smile along with them.

Life is a journey, and we are merely travellers who try to create precious memories in the presence of each other. And for that, I want to thank YOU. for your smile brightens up my Life.


Date of departure to India will be announced soon. Am mentally preparing myself for the new life.
Ciao.


with love,
KUALA LUMPUR INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.
7:35pm

Nostalgia

我要用海水包容你，
不要让你受到伤害，
我要一生一世，
陪着你，
直到老，
直到永远
永远。。。。。
我的白鱼儿


It's one of those nostalgic days again.
When you allow memories to flood in, drown you in, and submerge you with ocean of emotions.

Kinda sadistic wasn't it, to open up your wounds again to see how you've been healing, and in the process hurt yourself once again. If you were me would you just choose to bury all these into the deep, and choose to never look at it again? Would it be better to recount it as bad luck, and move on??

I would love to remember
though it feels stupid
I would love to held on these shards of memories
even though it would cut me up again if i were to hold it again.

It's funny how people choose to believe in hurtful comments given by those whom they care the most, 

But ignore those encouraging ones given by those who care about them.

I was lose in tears when I muster the courage to look into your world of words again.

How I wish the time will turn back, and the world will change back to how it used to be.

But however the world might be out of the course,

It will feels normal again, given enough time,

And when it doesn't hurt anymore, 

It means you are finally liberated.

Finally free.